Another opinion
I liked the way the guitars tracked against each other--when there was something going on with both tracks! When one guitar would drop out its VERY distracting and it takes away from the song. I would give up a little of the separation to make sure there is always something in both channels. The playing is nice--a couple of timing errors in the picking a few times but it's a heck of lot better than I can do. That is some nice pickin'.
Now to the vocals. Your voice is nice, but you do more talking than singing. I think the piece might benefit from blending the mix a little more and using a little more melodic flowing in the vocals. Take it from a story piece to a singing piece--just another way to think about doing it.