Comments on some lyrics....

  • Thread starter Thread starter WATYF
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WATYF

WATYF

...happier than you.
Hello...

I almost never post here.. :p (I'm always in the MP3 clinic.) But I just wanted to get some feedback on these lyrics. This is one of my few songs that is kind of a "storytelling" song, so I figured I'd see what kind of critique I would get on them.

If you want to listen to the song itself, you can check it out on my NWR site. The song is called "Roll".


Roll (copyright © 2002)


He rolls out the door.
Never looks to see the things that he has left behind.
She's sitting on the floor.
Afriad that she may never get it right.

He lights on the wind.
Never sells his heart to anything, or anyone.
So she hopes for the rain.
To wash away the rocks that tumble in his heart.

It's a sad sad song.
"But someone has to sing", he says.
It's bad bad low.
And I fear it's here to stay.

She lights in her eyes.
Sees visions that the future holds, she hopes unfold.
So He rolls out desire.
To show that he will never leave. He won't concede his life.
So she rolls out a prayer.

It's a tragic song.
But lies will only mask the pain.
It's a bad bad glow.
And there's nothing left to gain.

Where is my ladder to the sky.
Where are my wings so I can fly.
Where has my love's life gone.
Tell me what have I done.

He rolls out a chord.
To try to quench the never ending storyline.
She holds out a song.
The hand he needs, the word we seek,
For a broken world in need.





I actually wrote this a number of years ago and the words get rather simplistic at certain points ("wings so I can fly" etc.) But I believe it was my first attempt at writing this type of song, so I'm curious to see what other people's impressions of it are.


WATYF
 
WATYF,

I'm impressed to see such an intelligent mind dropping by the songwriter's forum. Always enjoy reading your posts. Seeing as I'm more of a storyteller than an engineer myself, I appreciate when regulars to the cave cruise over here too.

I'm giving a precursory listen to "Roll" now but I'll save comments for after dinner.

again, good to see ya.

Stone
 
WATYF,

Listened to the song. Amazing guitar work, really beautiful stuff. Love your voice as well.

I'm not a professional songwriter or musician, so take whatever comments I make in stride.

Lyrically it all works. You mentioned simple lyrics, and while you're right, there are enough interesting and original ideas to easily overlook them.

As for the performance, it's great. And here are just a couple of ideas to ponder. (just if you wanted to try different things).
_______________________

Try going right into the second verse at 48 seconds without the instrumental gap.
_______________________
Never sells his heart to anything, or anyone

....try singing "anyone" exactly like when you sing "anything". I think it will add a little something to the song. I'd also do this for the other lines that mirror this.
_______________________

To show that he will never leave. He won't concede his life.
So she rolls out a prayer.

....might take out "his life" just to see what happens. Also, "She rolls out a prayer" I don't know if it's needed. Both things work very well, just wondering out loud what would happen if you did take them out.
_______________________

I'd really like you to double up the second chorus right away. It just lends itself to building the song up even more. It would be the part that everyone who listens to it will be singing out loud at the top of their lungs.
_______________________

Well, like I said, I think this is amazing, and the above are just things to try if you want to.
 
he lights the wind???

are you talking about farting on a lighter??????

:eek:
 
i like this, watyf. simple, perhaps, with a little cliche, but cliche has a value in songwriting that it does not in poetry, because certain phrases strike most people universally. i also like donkeyzone's ideas, here. i've nothing to contribute on top of that.
 
WATYF said:
It's a sad sad song.
"But someone has to sing", he says.

I typically hate lyrics that refers to music, but that was actually really nice. :)
Click to expand...
 
Sorry I haven't been around. I was oat of town for the weekend.


Anyway,... thanks loads for all the comments. I'll try out all the suggestions to see how they sound. (except,... "she rolls out a prayer" is my favorite line of the song, so that's gonna stay.. ;) :D)


Donkey... actually... the first time I recorded this, I think I cut that instrumental before the 2nd verse out (or at least shortened it) but this time just happened to "come out" different. :p And what do you mean by "double up" the second chorus... oh yeah... and what do you consider the "2nd chorus"? :p (I'm kinda vague on what parts are what in this song... I wrote the dumb thing, and even I don't know what to consider the verse and what to consider the chorus.) :p

WATYF
 
As soon as you're done singing this part, just go right back into it without hesitation:

It's a tragic song.
But lies will only mask the pain.
It's a bad bad glow.
And there's nothing left to gain.

Sing it with a little more power behind it, because it is where the climax should be. then go into the next part of the song.
 
Haven’t gotten a chance to listen yet.

Bumporoonie for when I get home :D
 
Do I hear an RNP on that guitar and voice?

Liked the song and lyrics by the way.
 
Actually those are the stock pres on my digi001. I'm relatively satisfied with them.


WATYF
 
Ok...out with it. How did you record the rythmn guitar? Details please. Is it two tracks, one left and one right played slightly differently? This what I was talking about in a thread the other day. This is how I want my guitars to sound..you know that nice interplay betwen the left and right that sounds so full.

If you answer my question I may consider giving you more feedback on the song :p :D

(j/k) I've downloaded but I need to get to bed I'm too tired to critically study it (especially the lyrics) right now. It is easy to listen to though. Voice sounds good. Good recording.
 
Actually... this was my 1.5 project for the clinic, so I kinda just recorded the gits on the fly. Basically, you're right. It's two gits played different.

The git on the left is tuned to DADGAD and played with a kapo at the 5th fret, the git on the right is in standard tuning and played with no kapo. (or something like that). Anyway, each git is stereo mic'ed using an MC012 and a C-1. Then they're hard panned in opposite directions. That's about it. The panning changes throughout the song, but for the most part they're pretty hard panned when they're both playing.

WATYF
 
:cool:

Thanks for the info. I thought they sounded quite good and it gives me some ideas on how to try to record guits in the future when there is not a lot of other instrumentation going on. Very useful.

Except I need to buy at least one more mic to do it properly :mad:

Oh well, another item on the wish list :D
 
First, have you ever heard of Cat Stevens :D... Dead ringer in some spots. (I happen to like that )

Second, excellent sound and overall for listening I really like the song. I thought there were some very thoughtfully put ideas in there. Nice work. Another in my Keeper folder :D.

Just out of curiosity, did you improve the recording since the 1.5 challenge? If not, holy s***. If you did, it's still a great recording :p.

Here are just a few things that wandered in my mind as I listened:

I would take out some of the space between the first and second verse. I seemed to kind of take a little of the momentum out of the song for me.

I lose a little of the story line after the first chorus(?). I follow the first two verses into the chorus just fine, but then in the third verse, "She lights in her eyes..." I can't tell if we are talking about the same two folks as in the first two verses or a new couple. If it's the same couple, it seems to contradict the first two verses to an exent. And the "She rolls out a prayer" part kind of sticks out a little, as not fitting. I like the sentiment though :D.

Very nice work. :cool:
 
well.. you're probably only the fifty billionth person to tell me that I sound like cat stevens.. :D

Oddly enough, I wouldn't know one of his songs if I heard it... I'm never even sure I've ever heard him before.

As for the tune... yeah... I was mentioning earlier that originally I didn't have so much space between the first and second verse... I'll prolly take a few measures out when I do the "real" version. And that is the original 1.5 file... I have't even opened the ProTools session since I posted that.

As far as the story line... I dunno... I didn't see too much dettachment between the 2nd and 3rd verse. It's still talking about the same two people, but now instead of talking about their actions, it's talking about their thoughts (kind of).

And for the last time... "She rolls oat a prayer" is staying... :p ;)


WATYF
 
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