Check out my songs

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Douhgy

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Hey everyone, I could use some feedback on my bands songs... You can check them out at http://www.mp3.com/glikk
I would love any kind of feedback on the songs, recording, etc. Thanks!
 
doughy,

if you want people to check out your songs for songwriting discussion, please pick one. It makes it much easier for the rest of us if you have narrowed the field. Discussing your entire songwriting prowess in one thread is a lot to ask someone.

I'll add two cents if you focus the discussion towards something more specific.

stone
 
well...

ok. I listened to Outer Space. posted below are approximate lyrics.

Stay here.
Let this rain keep you insane
There’ll be no fire to keep you warm
If I’ve seen rain, I’ve seen your pride
There’s a tide
In this landslide of our life

I’ll be here, just ahead and to your right.
There’s a stop sign down the road
There are friends and there are foes
In this ocean of a land

I’ll find myself on the other side of the world
In a land like outer space
I’ll come around
Without changing what I am

Cause I’ve been where the people in their dreams
Where’s one’s backyard is another world
Where my best friend writes me every week
From his own land just like mine

Rage, you not allowed to state your mind
Of what you think and where you’re from
Throw away these hardened times
For the purer sense inside

All learn of the things that they must have
Thirteen months without a view
And if you never leave, when will you come home
Cause in another twelve I’ll be with you

I’ll find myself on the other side of the world
In a land like outer space
I’ll come around
Without changed enough to be
what I think I am

Don't mean much to me, quite honestly. That doesn't mean it's a bad song, but in terms of lyric, I'm not reading or hearing anything particularly compelling. I'm hearing lonely, isolated, longing then playful, escapist and daydreaming. All very vague and a bit cliche as well. "landslide of our life..." "ocean of a land..." "other side of the world..." "land like outer space..."

Here's my tip. A good lyric is not a collection of emotive catch phrases. You need to develop a consistent point of view for the voice. You need describe a situation and hopefully use concrete events to show how the voice feels. Either that, or use that voice to tell the story of characters in a story format. OR, you whine like Kurt Cobain about Pennyroyal Tea and people pay you big bucks to not understand what the hell you're trying to say. Ahem. Sorry about that...back to the topic.

The vocal performance also doesn't particularly elicit any sympathy from me as a listener. If things are so tough, why does it *feel* like the singer is reading of a lyric sheet? Maybe that's just me, though...

One last criticism, this song takes FOREVER to develop. Five minutes plus is a long time to spout of quotes from Chicken Soup for the Poet's Soul.

Ok. That was harsh. I apologize. I'm just trying to be honest so you can grow as a writer. Trust me, I've been embarrassed in front of throngs of classmates with much worse....And, because I had to give you the bad stuff, I will also add that there were good things about this. The lo-fi echo is always a good trick and it's used well here. The production certainly wasn't bad. The instrumental performances were good.

If anyone else would like to comment on the lyrics provided, maybe someone can share their insight with me. Doughy, if you'd like to ask an extremely honest person any questions about how they arrived at these opinions, I'll reply to whatever you post.

In the end, a good effort. Pouring out ideas and emotions is what keeps most of us at the Songwriter's Discussion living sane. Just need to clean up what you're trying to say and how you're doing it.

One man's opinion.

Stone
 
Stone, I appriciate your comments on the lyrics. The lyrics are a bit "melancholy," but I don't expect you to be able to understand exactly what they mean. This song is actually about 2 years that I spent away from home in the interior of Brazil, while having no contact from home. I hope that puts it into perspective somewhat. Anyway, thanks for the comments.
 
Doughy,

it sounds like you had an adventure. Certainly worth writing about. I get the imagery a little better but unfortunately you can only preface your songs when you play them live. I do like the let this rain keep you insane line. If I made any significant errors in lyrics, you might want to post those for others.

Stone
 
I made the mistake of reading Stonepiano’s post before I posted. I can’t listen to the song at work, but I will give it a listen when I get home.

I have to agree with SP about the lyrics. There is a lot of imagery there, but they don’t ever seem coalesce into a useable message. It just seems like a bunch of disjointed images to me. I kind of look at this writing like looking at art. Some artists are incredible at painting a picture that is easy to interpret. These images are usually familiar to most everyone, like a girl on a swing. Other artists get into the abstract realm where they splash colors all over the place and find some meaning in it. I would put your lyrics in the abstract realm. If that is what you were after, then :cool:. My personal preference is for lyrics that paint the “familiar” picture.

The song structure is again not of the “familiar” sort. The rhyme scheme is loose to non existent. There doesn’t seem to be a clear hook in there, in other words, I’m not really sure what you are trying to say in the song. I can’t see a clear verse, chorus… structure. Common song structures are used because they are listener friendly. There really is an art to trying to say what you want to say within a given structure. There have been some that have been successful without using typical songwriting rules and structures, but they are not common. Again, if you were going for a more free style, then :cool:

It all comes down to what you want out of this song. If this is just kind of a therapy for you and you needed to write this, then that is valid. I think all writers do that to some extent In fact the song I am working on now may have little interest to people here as it a very personal song that I had to write because it wouldn’t go out of my head (but I’ll probably post it anyway :D). If you wrote the song for others to enjoy, you may want to reign in the style a little, consider what you want the song to say and then try to clearly convey your message. Sounds easy, I know, but it ain’t :D.

Like I said before you have some good images here. I will listen to the music when I get a chance. Keep writing.
 
Stone did a pretty good job of posting the lyrics, but here are the actual words... the fixed words are in CAPS

Stay here.
Let this rain keep you INSIDE
There’ll be no fire to keep you warm
If I’ve seen rain, I’ve seen your pride
There’s a tide
In this landslide of A life

I’ll be here, just ahead and to your right.
There’s a stop sign down the road
There are friends and there are foes
In this ocean of a land

I’ll find myself on the other side of the world
In a land like outer space
I’ll come around
WHEN I'VE CHANGED ENOUGH TO BE WHO I THINK I AM

Cause I’ve been where the people in their dreams
Where’s one’s backyard is another world
Where my best friend writes me every week
From his own land just like mine

WAIT, you not allowed to state your mind
Of what you think and where you’re from
Throw away these HARD EARNED DIMES
For the PARASITES inside

All learn of the things that they DONT have
Thirteen months without a view
And if you never leave, when will you come home
Cause in another twelve I’ll be with you

I’ll find myself on the other side of the world
In a land like outer space
I’ll come around
WHEN I'VE CHANGED ENOUGH TO BE
WHO I THINK I AM



This song is about being in a place that is very unfamiliar and surreal. It definately has some abstract elements in the lyrics, but it is one of those songs that the lyrics are my own way of expressing my feelings, not necessarily for others to understand all of the lyrics. I believe that abstract lyrics like these are harder to understand and interpret in the beginning, but grow and become more interesting as one becomes familiar. Songs that are very direct in their message often become less interesting with each listen, but appeal more at first glance. It's like a movie that you have to watch a few times to catch everything. Thanks for the feedback, it always helps. Also, I would love some feedback on the musical aspect of it too.
 
Note on the music:

I actually like it. It sounds pretty good. The melody is good, although...somehow familiar sounding....

Intro is too long for commercial music. You generally need to grab the listeners withing about 20 seconds as a rule. Otherwise you could lose some of them.

Song is too long to be commercially viable. Again this is a general rule. If you're not after commercial viability, then it doesn't matter.

I like the actual changes, melody, singing... I think this could be turned into something really good if you took one of the ideas in your lyrics and developed it more. I know that's not what you are after necessarily, but I'm just trying to give you some ideas if you want to develop this more. :)
 
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