I think I figured it out.
I found a program that turns wav files into midi. I think it has something to do with looking for the frequencies and turning those into the corresponding pitches. Cheap little free program. Anyway, here's my plan:
1. Take the original snare/drum track.
2. Gate it.
3. Get rid of bleeding notes/noise in between.
4. find the quietest hit, set that as threshold, then compress the living hell out of it.
5. Gate again with almost no attack and release time, leaving as short of a representation of the hit as possible.
6. EQ like crazy in an area that would be the corresponding pitch (say, 440hz) so that the notes it reads are in the ballpark of eachother and not all over the place
7. Run the converter program
8. Open the midi in cakewalk. Get rid of excess notes until they are all one note on one track.
9. Choose Soundfont bank/patch. Then transpose notes to the sound I want.
10. Play and record using the "what you hear" record setting.
11. Import wav into mix.
12. Shoot myself.
13. Fail suicide attempt, analyzed as just a desperate attempt to get attention; live another day to do it all over again.
I'll let everyone know how it works out.
If someone has a program that can analyze a wav file to a single midi event that are triggered at a certain level threshold, PLEASE let me know.