Big eyes

[LI_Slim]

The discussions going on in the other threads about formulas and cliches put me in mind of the songs I am currently writing. I'm trying to take some common ideas and kind of turn them on their head (which, hopefully, gets the listener's attention), in describing a particular woman I encountered. I would of course be grateful for your thoughts...


Big Eyes (c) 2003 Larry Kolker


I wore my heart right on my sleeve
I put my tongue right in your cheek
But the one thing I did not forsee
Was you wouldn't want to give it back to me

It isn't really about love
Or sex or power or intrigue
The thing that seems to matter most
Is that you satisfy your greed

Chorus:
You got big eyes, they're trained on me
Big eyes like tractor beams
Big green eyes that cannot see
Big eyes, tellin' lies



One thing that I admire most
In a woman is a sense of irony
What happened to your inner life
When all you think of are the things you need

[Chorus]


There's beauty in the way you kill
There's beauty in the way you weep
There's beauty in your deep green eyes
Beauty that I can no longer see

[Chorus]

 

[Jagular]

Hey man - I took a few reads through this. Here's what struck me:

First line is a cliche right off the bat. Second line is a twisted cliche. As I read through the first verse, I'm not sure they work for me. First, when you say "you wouldn't give it back to me" It sounds like you are talking about your tounge OUCH . Perhaps if you said:

I put my tongue right in your cheek
I wore my heart right on your sleeve
But the one thing I did not forsee
Was you wouldn't want to give it back to me

Then it sounds like she took your heart (yet another cliche, but not by saying it directly (ex. you stole my heart). But I don't know if that is what you were getting at or not.

Second verse has some interesting thoughts. If this actually is a second verse, the first thing that pops out at me is that it is structurally different than the first verse in its rhyme scheme. Typically verses should share a common structure, including rhyme scheme. Take it or leave it as you like .

Chorus - not sure about how strong of a hook you have here. Can't probably tell without the music. However, when I get to this point, I just don't know what you are trying to say in the song. It seems to me that the first two verses do not lead me into the chorus where your main idea needs to be expressed. Now, using what you have, perhaps you could go a direction of that she stole your heart in the first verse, you determine that she does this as something of a greedy hobby in the second verse and maybe something about big green eyes collecting hearts in the chorus. I don't know...just random thoughts...maybe not even that good .

The last verses, just seem to go off on tangents to me. They don't seem to support the chorus to me. When I get done reading this I am left feeling that I have just read a collection of fragments rather than a cohesive story/idea.

But then again, I've been accused of being pretty thick before so maybe it'sjust me not getting it.

I think you may have some workable ideas in here. Take my amature ramblings for what they are worth. Keep at it and have fun man.

 

[bdbdbuck]

I don't really look at a song on a line by line basis. I always look for an overall feel. I like this one, I could almost imagine the music. The cliche seems intentional which is a good thing I think. It's not like the tune is laced with stuff like that...It's one line fer chrissake! Hard to dance to though without music.....

......that's all I have to say about that.


bd

 

[terocious]

LI_Slim,

I thought she wanted to keep your tongue as well but that was ok because it began the song on a strange note and did get my attention .

"There's beauty in the way you kill
There's beauty in the way you weep
There's beauty in your deep green eyes
Beauty that I can no longer see"

I really like this Idea that beauty is not fixed in the eye of the beholder but is mutable by the mind.

Tractor beam brought some welcome fun to a heavy vibe.

The ideas seem to ramble a bit. Almost like a memory. I could stand to know more but without hearing the music I am reluctant to suggest that more is needed.

-b

 

[LI_Slim]

Thanks guys for your reactions, which are all very valuable to me.

Yes, I did mean what you thought I said rather than one one might expect I would say. The song is about a woman who I never loved and who, I think, wanted to devour me, metaphorically speaking. Big eyes representing someone who wants a lot.

I do think it could use more focus (especially in the second verse), even while being lyrical, so to speak, which I like to do as long as it's not too obtuse.

 

[LI_Slim]

new second verse

Replace current second verse (one stanza) with the following two stanzas:



I must admit you had me fooled
By your sense of irony
You said my silver hair was cool
Appealing to my sense of vanity

But I know it is not me
But your reflection that you see
That and my bank account and car
Financial opportunies