Attempt at a song - "Forgetful thinking"

[Kieferzilla]

I have a few songs that I've written, or tried
But i dont mind this one.. it would be a very short song if actually used how it is now.. but whatever xD
i tried, and thats another reason im bringing it here :]
So i can get some input and advice!

"Forgetful Thinking"

Now see, here i go again, I've got myself thinking
its probably no different, but lets see what itll bring

what would i be like if i could choose to forget
if i could just live life without becoming upset
all those thoughts that bring me so far down
they wouldnt pull me under, so i wouldnt drown.

now i wonder if i really had the choice
would the same things still bring me the same joys
could i really convince myself to lose it all
would my back want to leave this wall

alright, so i had some time, and i sat i thought
and i showed you, i showed you what it brought

But see, im at it again, ive got more on my mind.
ill share, ive learned.. tell all, ive got nothing to hide

thinking of how to forget seems a bit strange
it seems ive forgot how to think, with all this change
ive got the same things going through my head
this disarray, it seems, has begun to spread.

now that i know this confusion is setting in
the only question i have is when did it begin?
so if i get out of the water and thats answered
someday ill live a dream, high above, like a bird.

There you have it, i sat and i thought
moral of the story?..umm.. oh sh*t.. i forgot..​

 

[up-fiddler]

I have a few songs that I've written, or tried
But i dont mind this one.. it would be a very short song if actually used how it is now.. but whatever xD
i tried, and thats another reason im bringing it here :]
So i can get some input and advice!

"Forgetful Thinking"

Now see, here i go again, I've got myself thinking
its probably no different, but lets see what itll bring

what would i be like if i could choose to forget
if i could just live life without becoming upset
all those thoughts that bring me so far down
they wouldnt pull me under, so i wouldnt drown.

now i wonder if i really had the choice
would the same things still bring me the same joys
could i really convince myself to lose it all
would my back want to leave this wall

alright, so i had some time, and i sat i thought
and i showed you, i showed you what it brought

But see, im at it again, ive got more on my mind.
ill share, ive learned.. tell all, ive got nothing to hide

thinking of how to forget seems a bit strange
it seems ive forgot how to think, with all this change
ive got the same things going through my head
this disarray, it seems, has begun to spread.

now that i know this confusion is setting in
the only question i have is when did it begin?
so if i get out of the water and thats answered
someday ill live a dream, high above, like a bird.

There you have it, i sat and i thought
moral of the story?..umm.. oh sh*t.. i forgot..​

Unique and clever storyline. I especially like the way you show the listener your 'process' for forgetting. A few of the lines are a bit cumbersome for me. (Red highlights) They could be rewritten to manage your syllable count a bit better. Joys, Choice, Answered, and Bird are clever end of line rhymes. The ending which connects the listener back to the title and the storyline is powerful and funny at the same time. All in all, a nice effort imo. Dave aka up-fiddler

BTW - Welcome to the forum. You'll find that, by and large, the folks here are honest and helpful.

 

[Kieferzilla]

Hey thanks a lot for the input :]
One thing i do want to say about that is..
The first line that you suggested i may change has to do with being in the water, drowning..
and the lines "so if i get out of the water and thats answered
someday ill live a dream, high above, like a bird." tie in with that..
so if i did completely change the one line, id probably have to change those too... Maybe...
But at any rate thank you again for the input
i know it does need work
and i feel like it needs more..
it just seems like a little poem to me right now, not a song D:
xD