anyone one wanna comment on my lyrics (1st song)

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first song iv ever really tryed to write so im curious what ppl think of the lyrics, i know they are a bit abstract but i guess the overall theme would be questioning reality? anyway here they are :o ... the chorus is basicly the one line repeated over ..i think it needs more maybe a catchy phrase behind it ..thanks for the insight :) , chris

verse:
words mean so much less than the feelings they instill
so much is never know and forever never will
so much is ever changing and forever will it still
what we see inside our minds is the only thing thats real

chorus: what is real

verse:
you say thats not the truth but how can you be sure
truth can be a fact if thats the way you feel
our thoughts projected outwards paint the world around
a thought can raise you up or throw you to the ground

chorus: how you feel

bridge:
time seems to pass so endlessly
life flys by its so hard to see
close my eyes to regain sight
how can i be sure whats left outside

verse:
why our thoughts can contradict the things we cannot feel
makes me second guess the things i think are real
 
Hard to evaluate a song when one only sees lyrics, but does not hear the music...

Looks like you started out with lots of power behind the lyrics, but sorta sputtered out as it went on. I base that observation on the changing rhyme scheme:
1-1-1-1 in the first verse (well, almost: "real" is a poor rhyme with the other three words);
1-2-3-3 in second verse;
1-1-2-3 in bridge;
1-1 in last verse (which seems incomplete, having only two lines instead of four like the others. You might make it the bridge, and make the bridge the last verse, if that fits the musical structure of the song. Like I said, I have no idea if it would, not being exposed to anything except the lyrics.)

I agree, the repeated-line chorus probably does not work real well- listen to some other songs about reality for some inspiration. "Good artist borrow. Great artist steal." (attributed to Pablo Picasso.) I would suggest the men - the church of logic sin and love - YouTube (Unitl today, when I watched the vid, did I realize the line "Then they came upon The Thing" referred to the strangest roadside attraction ever, located somewhere in Arizona, off I-10... really, if you ever get there, you just gotta see it, if only to say you did.)

Anyway, you might post a mp3 of you (or someone) playing and singing the song, so we can get the whole experience. Post it in this forum, and if the quality is less than stellar, just say so and ask that people post about the song, not the RECORDING. That might lead to more replies.
 
I'll comment... as one of the 50 viewers.

No-one famous ever did focus groups with strangers on their lyrics. You want to sing those words, put it to a song and make everyone believe they're the greatest words ever written.

Lyrics are meant to be heard in the context of music, not read.
 
For a first attempt, they look interesting. But as has been mentioned, looking at lyrics is a bit like looking at a meal.....it might look great but but when it hits your mouth, you might be wishing it was yesterday......
 
Armistice said:
I'll comment... as one of the 50 viewers.

No-one famous ever did focus groups with strangers on their lyrics...
Click to expand...

Actually, I think CBS did just that with The Monkees songs... or maybe it was NBC. Or maybe The Archies.
 
thanks for the replys guys im not sure what i was going for exactly, but it wasnt a focus group lol thats for sure just what peoples first impressions were of the lyrics. ..maybe in the context of spoken word rather than an entire song ..its just a start for me i do have a basic chord progression and structure in mind although melody is becoming more of an issue. i agree the song sort of falls off near the end the last verse could use a few more lines and playing around with it, maybe the bridge would work better as the chorus who knows till i try it. i realise its difficult to judge a song based on lyrics alone :) im not really sure how the song you linked me to relates to the one im working on though :) would you guys be apposed to me posting my progress through audio it could be interesting for someone looking into songwriting to hear a song come into being bit by bit ....that is if i can manage to complete it :P
 
The rhyming scheme, (and in fact the fact that it changes from verse to verse) could drag the melody down or the melody could really lift the rhymes BUT the ...ill/real thing is a bit of a shudder when read. It may be sold better in the singing.
Thematically a bit existentialsim goes a long way when it starts to get caught up in illogical logic. Mind you, It's an attempt at a Gordian Knot on the nature of truth & perceptions of reality so I applaud that.
It'd be good if you could give a clue to how it will be delivered.
There aren't that many folk around these parts that are interested in reading lyris. Depressing, I know! It's nbothing personal - it's just that most see lyrics are a vehicle for melody rater than as a set of word to inspire a melody etc etc.
They're partially righ too - well in terms of personal taste & popular conceptions anyway. I often bore them with my scribblings too: I know the likely response but I persist.
Work on the words & the rhymes or put them in context as, stricyly speaking/singing, the rhyming & meter aren't very secure or effcetive - BUT you'll probably twist that with the vocals & the point will be moot.
 
back in the stone ages, LMAO... before CDs? You went with your parents to the store, and you bought a CASSETTE of your bands new album. You read the liner notes and all the lyrics before ever hearing a second of the song(s)...

*shrugs*

some "read" great, but I didnt like them when I heard them. OR, something "read" badly to me anyhoo... but the SONG was awesome. Never got much out of reading the lyrics w/o music playing...
 
Try to shorten some of those long lines
Keep the rhythm pattern of the words consistent verse to verse (e.g. 2nd line in vse 1 has 11 Syllables, vse 2 has 13)
Keep consistent rhyme patterns vse to vrse
Talk in ordinary English (re:"so much is never know and forever never will" - maybe "So much is never known...)
What is the title & punch - just one line for the chorus?

Some starting suggestions

OldBob
 
I think it's important to start with a clear idea of what you want to say with your lyrics. Why are you writing the song? Get to the heart of that, and original ideas will flow. In my opinion, you should be able to tell someone in a short sentence what the song is about. This idea is not too different from an essay's topic sentence.
One approach to lyric writing and rhyme-scheme is to write a verse, and then let it be the template for the others. This will bring a cohesive quality to the lyrics. It will also help the listener's ear to discern the lyrics. Changing the rhyme scheme with every verse will trick the listener's ear and have them questioning if they heard right, IMO. Songwriting books I've read back me up on this.
For a change up, one technique is to use a different rhyme scheme in your choruses or bridge from your verses. This reinforces the contrast that should be inherent in the different musical sections.

I hope I've mentioned something you can use, and keep writing! A common adage about songwriting is "you have to write 10 songs before you come up with anything good," so don't stop! Like anything else, you'll get better with practice:)
 
Any book by Sheila Davis is a great resource for the craft of lyric writing. Her book "Successful Lyric Writing" was the text for a commercial songwriting course I took in college, and it's easy to read. Costs $18-24 on Amazon. It also is recommended by the Nashville Songwriter's Association International.
 
I like your lyrics, especially the first verse. I think it is abstract, but it works for me. There are a lot of words to each line, though, and you might find that you need to cut some out to put the lyrics to a good melody.

One suggestion to take (or leave) :). Since the verse is abstract, make the bridge more concrete. I generally do the opposite (concrete verse, abstract bridge), but I find it gives the listener more than one way to connect with the song.

David
 
Sorry to go against the grain here - but I still think you can do a lot with lyrics, before or without music. A solid lyric bed/cloud will serve the right piece of music as much as the music serves solid lyrics

The trick is that if you write the words then you need to be a skilled musician to write a strong melody post lyric or alternatively you approach the music with a level of flexibility regarding lyrics (line length, rhyming scheme, etc)

What I would say is that this reads like a 'voice over' on an education video for Psych 101. You need to write like the movie it is talking over or perhap the person who is questioning reality. Nearly everone of your lines is an abstraction/concept when lyrics are about action & image.

That said nearly everyone of your lines (apart from the chorus) would be a great premiss for another song.


words mean so much less than the feelings they instill
Careless words - a song about how a girl a guy (secretly)loves talks about other guys and it hurts

so much is never know and forever never will
To the Edge - about taking a leap of faith into a relationship, because if we don't we'll never know

so much is ever changing and forever will it still
The Only Thing - the only thing that doesn't change is my love for you

what we see inside our minds is the only thing thats real
Little Somethings - about a guy who suspects his love is unfaithful, but wonders is it just in his mind

you say thats not the truth but how can you be sure
Do you love him - confronting partner about feelings she denies about someone else

There you are . . . now see the movies that go with those stories and start writing songs not public service announcements. Use more lyrical devices

Good luck
Burt
 
I need to ask something here. Is this song for your own pleasure, or will you be trying to market it? I agree, it would be nice to hear as well as see? Hey, that rhymes!
 
"Is this song for your own pleasure, or will you be trying to market it?"
WOW, such cynicism! Does it have to be one or the other? Couldn't it be a song for its own sake? A song that someone else may like? I doubt that the OP is after an assessment of the niche market demographics?
 
It has potential but it does seem a bit wordy. I suggest pruning a few words per verse and tightening the whole thing up a bit.
Other than that, it seems wonderful.
 
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