any thoughts on this one?

[daveskey69]

hi there. first time posting on this part of the board. below is a song called Light Of Your Love. I am a 25 year old singer songwriter from London UK. Am in a band as well, and we play regularly. Anyways, dont think this will feature in our live set..its more of a personal song. Just me searching for answers and what not. anyhoo..any thoughts on it.?..thanx in advance for any feedback. much appreciated.
DAVE

THE LIGHT OF YOUR LOVE


We are what we are
Little flecks of dust in a jar
And how we came this far
Only one man knows

Wash away my sins
Show me the way to begin
I’m new to this game
But I’ve said all the right prayers, I’ll be there in the light of your love

Men are gonna let you down
And women are gonna do the same
I’ll be sticking around
I’ve got myself strapped in

I’m on the road to redemption
I’m calling out your name
I’m fighting every temptation
To take a step back, what I lack is the light of your love


So let it shine, Let it fall to the earth
The time is now to get your money’s worth, the universe, the devil’s curse

Can’t touch me now
I’m ready to receive
I made it here somehow
Everybody needs a little guidance

Well I guess I was lost
But I know who to blame
But you carried the cross
So we could be totally free in the light of your love

You needn’t ask me again
I think I know what the answer be
I’m taking the strain
I think my heart is letting me see

I don’t need no drugs
I don’t need a cure
I don’t need sheepskin rugs
All I need I am sure is the light of your love

 

[Hugo H]

Here's my thoughts, but remember you're writing for you, not critics. I'm only mentioning the things I see that might need a bit of work to make it a better song in my eyes.

The overall flow of the song seems somewhat random. Put it this way, what changes if you move a verse from one place to another? It's usually helpful to have some meaningful progression of thoughts from beginning to end, not in the sense necessarily of a story. Just a flow from universal truths, as you start with, to personal details, back to universal (for example) would do. Or you can go with what was, to what is, to what will be, or could be.

Another thing you might consider is the action sequences you describe. You say "I’ll be sticking around, I’ve got myself strapped in" followed by "I’m on the road to redemption". Ok, that's possible but it's not necessarily the imagery to go with. You basically saying you're here but working on redeeming yourself. Yes, you're having a hard time moving forward, but the images clash on reading them. To put it simply, "sticking around" and being "on the road" don't go so well together.

I don't understand the part about "let it shine" followed by the whole phrase starting with "get your money's worth". You need a bit of clarity there.

I hope this helps a bit more than a simple pat on the back. You deserve that too, but I'm trying to help you write it a bit better

Nice work,
-Hugo

 

[ido1957]

Good start - I got right away what your light represented....The rhyming scheme is not consistent which might help a bit...seems to change up a bit with every other verse. I found myself stumbling when I expected a rhyming word. Other than that I found it inspiring......which is good for this type of song...

Edit - just listened to your tune : "What do I know".
Dylan - type vocal range with much better pitch! Catchy - I like the chord changes in the chorus especially. Good mix. Nice one......