Am I doing this right?

[David Katauskas]

Ok...where do I start...? I believe that this is my first post under the "Songwriting" forum. I'm basically a one man band, and can't write/rehearse songs with a band. So I basically draft songs on my DAW...once I'm comfortable with the composition, I retrack everything.

This is where I'm at right now...I have a rough draft of a song and I have a few concerns/questions. The first is that it is 7:20 long...maybe that's ok...not sure.

As mentioned, this song will be completely retracked and the vocals are VERY clumsy...still working them out.

Here is my proposal...anyone willing to listen and provide feedback regarding the composition will get both rep points AND 100 'Thank you' recognition entries in this thread. With all of that and $.50, you can buy some coffee.

Seriously, here are some spots I'm looking at:
3:50 - is this change ok?
4:30 - is this part too long?
5:05 - is this re-entry awkward?
6:05 - is the harmony during the chorus more appropriate
6:40 - is the song too long? Is this point a candidate for shortening?

This song has some meaning to me since it was inspired by a true event from many years ago.

If the above link becomes broken, you can also find it here under "I Hold Your Secret"
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/1/davidkatauskas_music.htm

 

[David Katauskas]

btw - here are the lyrics if you have any better ideas:

0:23 [rhythm]
Nobody knows
And I still care
Wanton soul
Dying eyes

Take another breath my friend
I will stay with you, until the very end
0:55


1:12 [rhythm]
Years gone by
I understand
Scathed and torn
Won’t make a stand

See you on the other side
You’re secret’s safe, with me, where it will die


1:44 [Chorus]
I know your secret
You cannot hide, hide from everything
Second chance, won’t get this time
A time gone by, a wound that would not mend


2:32 [rhythm]
Driving hard
Out of control
Riding high
There’s no way home

Take care, to you my friend
We will be, together in the end


3:04 [Chorus]
I hold your secret
You cannot hide, hide from everything
Take time to see my face
Look around you, as you leave this place

----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Riff change]
3:52
Time can’t hold the reigns
There’s no one here to blame
Loosing site of good what’s right, cannot come back again

Looking up above
Or looking down below
Destination, spin the wheel, now it’s off you go

Will not see the past
But I can
Having no regrets
But I do
Say good-bye, with one last cry, this journey’s at its end


------------------------------------------------------------
4:40 [SOLO ?]
---------------------------------------------------------------------


4:55 [Chorus]
I know your secret
You cannot hide, hide from everything
Second chance, won’t get this time
Take care, I hope we meet again


5:44 [rhythm]
Nobody knows
But I still care
Flightless soul
Gazing eyes

No more breathe for you my friend
A time gone by, a wound that did not mend


6:16 [Chorus]
I hold your secret
Secret (echo)
You cannot hide, hide from everything
Second chance, won’t get this time
This time (echo)
We will all be, together in the end


[Chorus]
I hold your secret
Secret (echo)
You cannot hide, hide from everything
Why can’t you see this time
This time (echo)
Take care, I hope we’ll meet again

[FADE]

 

[Jack Real]

Hi

What type of microphone are you using ? I think it's limiting the quality of your vocals. The sound of the snare is weird, try to brighten it a bit. I like the tones of your electric guitar, keyboard/acoustic guitar and bass. 7:20 minutes is a bit long but if you feel that's what the song should be, then what's wrong with it ? Overall a good song, nice work.

/Jack Real.

 

[David Katauskas]

Jack Real, thanks for the reply.

The problem I'm fighting right now is room treatment. I think it's creating a bunch of problems for me.

The mic is the MXL990...not the best vocal mic for me. I'm going to use the 991 for the vox re-track. It suites my voice much better.

The accoustic parts are actually accoustic. They're the only things that actually turn out pretty good for a draft track. It's 3 individual tracks:
Track 1 : 6 string hard left
Track 2 : 6 string hard right
Track 3 : 12 string dead center

I'll have to listen to it a few more times to see if there are any awkward sections that can use some rework.

Thanks again for the feedback!

 

[Megaman]

Seriously, here are some spots I'm looking at:
3:50 - is this change ok?
4:30 - is this part too long?
5:05 - is this re-entry awkward?
6:05 - is the harmony during the chorus more appropriate
6:40 - is the song too long? Is this point a candidate for shortening?

1. The change is good, I like it just rough.
2. Didn't seem too long to me, gave it a Pink Floyd feel imo
3. Seemed to work but again rough
4. I would ditch the harmony on the main chorus
5. I never worry about a song's length. If it calls for 7:20 then that's cool. Just matters what you think on that one

I think the only thing really killing this song is the drum beat didn't sound like it fit with the chorus at all and in other spots...And it seems it needs a drum fill before your main changes which made them rough to me.