A song about a lost loved one

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jimistone

jimistone

long standing member
This is a lyric that was inspired by a good friend of mine who lost his wife in childbirth.


1st)
When the day fades into night,
I get a real bad pain,
way down deep inside,
since you left me here behind,
im just about to lose my mind.
I love you baby,
and God knows I miss you so much,
I miss you sweet smile,
and your warm and tender touch.

(refrain)
I pray Lord call me home,
my angel's all alone.

2nd)
I think back on better days,
before the good Lord called you home,
and took you away.
When we were hand in hand.
Now its just pictures and your golden wedding band,
and some old letters,
that I read everynight,
then the tears start to fallin',
oh Lord it just don't seem right.

I pray Lord call me home,
my angel's all alone

(bridge)
spread your angel wings and fly
right back here by my side
Lord won't you hear my plea
please bring my baby back to me.

3rd)
You're gone, im all alone,
but you're always on my mind,
and I try to carry on.
I know that in the end,
We'll finally be together once again,
I'll be there,
no need to pretend,
We'll fall in love,
all over again.

I pray Lord call me home,
myangel's all alone
 
yes...

I do like that. I wonder how many peeps on here are thinking its aload of cheese? I think its honest and heartfelt. Love the refrain - "i pray lord call me home, my angels all alone". Angel as in MY angel and shes up in heaven, and angels come from heaven etc... must be and angel up there now - double meaning. Simple and direct lyrics. No cryptic shit about them. You putting it to a melody?
 
yeah, I have a melody. Im going to post the song when I finish it.
 
jimistone said:
This is a lyric that was inspired by a good friend of mine who lost his wife in childbirth.
Click to expand...

I just saw this. I don't know how long ago that happened - but I am so sorry for your freind and both thier families. So many people don't realize how risky childbirth actually is. If you go to graveyards that date back to the 20's and before, you will be astonished by the number of young women buried there - usually with the words 'beloved wife and mother' Modern medicine has reduced the risk and awful lot. Its really awful that this happened to your friends wife. I'm so sorry.


Layla
 
It's almost impossible to give you an honest opinion about the song after knowing the tragedy behind it. I've lost a loved one in a tragic accident as well, and I know what greiving is all about.

But if you can seperate your feelings for your friend and his wife from your lyrics, I'll tell you what I honestly think:

The idea of the lonely angel is a good one. You should elaborate more on that. However, there are big issues in the verses, IMO. First off, they are full of cliches, and old cliches are are like poison to any song. Just a few by line: "day fades into night", "about to lose my mind", "I miss you so much", "angel spread your wings", etc.... Secondly, the verses are rehashing the same info each time: he misses her. Each verse should tell a new part of the story and cover new ground that hasn't been talked about before. It's the chorus' job to do the restating each time it comes around.
The best part of the verses was the part about him finding the pictures, the letter, and the wedding band. If this were my song, I'd focus on that exclusively. Make that the story. Have verse 1 maybe talk about him finally having the courage to pack her things away and finding the letters, or better yet maybe a diary that he didn't know about. Verse 2 could talk about a specific passage or photo. Then the bridge could have the plot twist of him deciding to never pack up the stuff, or have him determined to pack it up and move on but never forget about his lonely angel until they meet again. I would probably drop the third verse entirely. A third verse can make a song really drag unless there is substantial new info that is really important to the story.

Oh.... oh...oh!!! Here's an idea: the best choruses always have a double meaning, and the best verses always put a little different spin on the chorus every time it comes around.... so how about this: in verse 1 he is putting away her things, find the letter or whatever, and the verse leads you to believe that the lonely angel in the chorus is her. Then the second verse talks about the new baby she left behind, and in chorus 2 the lonely angel is the child.
Then... the bridge could talk about the day when these two lonely angels will be together again.

I know that kind of excludes the man in the story, even though it is being told through his eyes. You could portray his emotion, though, by talking about them both being his angels, and how happy it will make him for them to be together with him.

Anyway, I hope this little brainstorm doesn't hurt anyone. I'm just answereing because you asked. Time heals everything... and sometimes writing a song about it does too....


Aaron
 
thanks for the suggestions aron,

one thing I should have stated to begin with is that this song is in the blues genre. I realize that i used old cliches in the verses, but, you just about have to in that style of music
(If I had a nickle for every blues song that started out with "woke up this morning" I could retire in style).

While it is poison to overuse cliches in most genres of music, blues is a genre that pretty much calls for that. If you get too brainy and try to put unusual rhymes and phrases in blues....alot of times it comes accross as "white boy" blues cause you are using words and lines that don't really fit the vocabulary of a "blues man".

every musical style has a language that is unique to that style and blues is pretty cliche oriented.

with that said.... I agree that the 2nd verse pretty much sums up what the 1st verse has already said. Im probably going to rewrite it.

IMO the most glaring mistake and obstical is in the bridge....
the theme of the song is (in a nutshell) the mans wife has died...he misses her..and he's ready for the lord to call him home to be with her.
Then, in the bridge, I have him saying he wants God to let her take her angel wings and fly back to earth and land right by his side.

I have to decide if he wants to go be with her or wants her to come back to him.

the bridge is inconsistent with the verse....I have thought about how to change that to make it work, but I can't seem to come up with the right lyrics for the bridge.

I would just do away with the bridge all together but the bridge builds energy for the lead guitar ride and then the whole song breaks down leading into the 3rd verse.
it creates some very powerful dynamics for that part of the song.

Cutting the bridge out is almost like cutting the songs nuts off...so I have to keep it.
any ideas on the bridge?
 
Last edited:
Aaron Cheney said:
Oh.... oh...oh!!! Here's an idea: the best choruses always have a double meaning, and the best verses always put a little different spin on the chorus every time it comes around.... so how about this: in verse 1 he is putting away her things, find the letter or whatever, and the verse leads you to believe that the lonely angel in the chorus is her. Then the second verse talks about the new baby she left behind, and in chorus 2 the lonely angel is the child.
Then... the bridge could talk about the day when these two lonely angels will be together again.

I know that kind of excludes the man in the story, even though it is being told through his eyes. You could portray his emotion, though, by talking about them both being his angels, and how happy it will make him for them to be together with him.

Anyway, I hope this little brainstorm doesn't hurt anyone. I'm just answereing because you asked. Time heals everything... and sometimes writing a song about it does too....


Aaron [/B]
Click to expand...



Nah man, thats making it too specific, there is no room for the listeners interpretation.
 
Benreturns said:
Nah man, thats making it too specific, there is no room for the listeners interpretation.
Click to expand...

I think it depends on what kind of song you're trying to write. The songs I tend to write are stories, and the musical world is full of successful story songs... especially the country genre. j0s1ah said it sounds like a slow country song, and that is exactly how I heard it too.

I think a song should always be relateable , but doesn't necessarily have to be left open for interpretation, although there are many great songs written that way as well, Stairway to Heaven being a prime example.


got mojo?
www.voodoovibe.com
 
j0s1ah said:
sounds like a slow counrty song.
Click to expand...

exactly what i thought, i could sing it and actually have a ryythm with it, i like it. good lyrics man.
 
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