a new one...

[cello_pudding]

her eyes hid behind
a furrowed face where
where both fiction
and facts, displace

your face it,
looks so familiar
its like mine,
just less peculiar

i had a dream and
you kissed so awkward
i am sorry if
i seem forward

its like a love and
i want to prove it
the more we gain
the less we'll lose it

so let's start now
before we're calloused
to what it's like to
drink from a chalice

nothing is real
til action defeats doubt
nothing is felt
until hands reach out

sat by a woman
from your hometown
didn't know your name
didn't write hers down

a verse was written
but not in english
it had your name in it
i feel so foolish

its like a love and
i want to prove it
the more we gain
the less we'll lose it

so let's start now
before we're calloused
to what it's like to
drink from a chalice

nothing is real
til action defeats doubt
nothing is felt
until hands reach out

 

[cello_pudding]

i changed a bit of the wording and structure.

i'm thinking the chalice part can be cut completely. it's supposed to be a symbol for being part of something that's unified. like a communion cup. i don't know if that's identifiable. i guess it might be with her, and that's all that really matters. i'm not going to get a grammy or anything.


it's about a guy that likes a girl that feels so dorky because he keeps a crush to a distance. so he feels like shortening it.

 

[Whatmysay]

The chalice is a bit catholic (or C of E)– I get it cause I’m ex-tyke, but maybe does not carry same symbolic weight for all listeners.

My concern is there are a lot of verses and no chorus – is that the way you want it? As a reader/listener I want a Chorus to bring me in and summarise the central issue.

I really enjoy the imagery of all the Vs and think you have something that is slightly melancholy that’s deserves a Ch to connected with the nervous tongue tied lover in us all.

Never say it won't win a Grammy! I do not think anyone who has won a Grammy ever wrote to win one or even thought that they would - they just crafted their emotins and some notes into something that resonated with others - and this song could do this too.

 

[cello_pudding]

i just bolded the chorus-y part. the verses are sorta like the shy kid, the chorus is like the 'let's grab the situation by the reigns'


chalice is in a lot of churches. anglican, methodist, catholic...at least i've been in each one of those services and they've had one or 2 cups everyone went to.

i think i want to structure it different. like...only sing the first part of the chorus the first time...and then the second time do all three stanzas...hmmm...

 

[valuehorse]

Sounds good, I wish I could hear it with music.

Some constructivie criticism, though....I'm not sure what kind of song this is, but everything seems to be perfectly consistent. Maybe you meant to do this, but you may want to try shifting to a different rhyme scheme, rhythms, etc. during the chorus, or try using varied sentence lengths and structures. Still, that's dependent on your goals with the song.

I do like how you emphasize the change of moods between the verses and chorus. It works wonderfully. If you get it recorded you should post a link to it.

 

[Whatmysay]

Sorry Cello must have had my beer goggles on last time I looked!

There is some summation in the Ch, but it doesn’t stand out from the other stanzas in structure and I am not getting a ‘hook’ from it ( If that is what you want).

I love the verses, but why the use of the 3rd person in the first stanza? (Why not change her to your) I particularly like the straight out description of ‘nothing’ events in the 4 & 5 stanzas in creates a lovely melancholy for me – a bit like the Vs in ‘Life in a Northern Town’ by Dream Academy.

The more I look at it the more the Ch is ajar with the feel of the Vs. – I think it would work with just a single line repeated or something much more simple. So much is going on in the head of the insecure narrator in the Vs that I am not convinced by the forthrightness of the Ch. Perhaps something that still shows he is not given to action (Think bridge in ‘Every little thing she does is magic' Police) – and another Vs telling us what happens when he confronts the girl

HTH