I'm not an expert by any means, but I like this so I'll give you my thoughts.
All the layers from 3:58 on fit well together, it's kind of the superstructure of the whole song so if it sounds good that's good news. That's where you left the lower tones out so my advice is to take another look at your lows. If I'm not mistaken there's a sub-bass in there, which goes right past my eardrums and makes my brain wobble. Whether that's good or not I'll leave in the middle, but I'm missing some "normal" bass sounds. There's a couple of them, like 0:25-0:26, and they sound good but then they're gone and my brain starts vibrating again.
0:11 introduces the beat but it's sooo quiet, almost doesn't belong. That part comes back a couple of times and it's always too quiet. Other than that, the snare sound you're using misses some punch, bit of a sissy snare. As for the vocals: the rhythm, the pace, the rhymes, they're all solid. The sound of your voice is very sharp which can be jarring at times. I'm guessing part of it is the voice in se but probably also some eqing. Keep going, you've got something. Let me know when you get to the green and whether it's worth it.
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