Working on this song.

R

Ronin

New member
I heard this was a good place to get advice and stuff on songs so I figured Id post this one Im working on. Its called "Shannon's Ring" and keep in mind its still being worked on.


Just another, speed bump in the road, just another guy to you
What we did was, special to me, not just some other girl
You'r ethe only one, that I see, when I look into this world
So I slip, this ring around my neck, to remind me of you

(Chorus)
So I see, This ring around my neck, Remeber how it all began
Can't you see, what those guys want from you, cant you tell by thier stares?
The confusion, that comes with this, might be more then I can bare
What is it, that you see, when you're looking at me
I know you're scared, but its time to move on, it time to act like you cared
Can't you see you're falling, why wont you, let me catch you there
(/chorus)

What does it matter, if those guys like you, as long as you're willing to stay
You're too nice, somtimes you gotta say no, you gotta send them away
What is it, that you need to do, before you can be with me?
I promised you, the pale white moon, when we sat all alone
What is it, that I need to do?, I think Ive done enough
To you, a kiss is just casual, doesnt mean a thing
Am I the only one, left in this world, think Im going insane
My mind, is shattered like glass, in it a reflection of pain

maybe this ring, is to remind me of, what it all could be


-Semper Fedelis


I think I should put the chorus in again after "What is it, that I need to do?, I think Ive done enough" What do you guys think? Any comments are apprecaited.
 
Hey Ronin.

Great theme.
Ya know, I'd like to see the ladies face when she hears this.

Anyway.
Welcome to the best recording site on the web.

Ok, about your lyrics. First off, what ever is said in this thread is the opinion of who ever says it. It's up to you to use what is said, try what is said or think the person offering the advice is nuts.
Also, since there are no carved in stone rules in songwriting, every rule you know or hear of can be broken.

~ looks at you ~ OK?

First off.
The title.
Shannon's Ring is never mentioned on the song.
At title should at least have something to do with the song.
The title is one of the most important hooks in a song. A catchy title, and/or a title that is repeaded throughout the song so when the listener finishes listening, they know what the title is. They will know what to ask for when they want to hear it again.

Second, this verse:
/// What does it matter, if those guys like you, as long as you're willing to stay
You're too nice, somtimes you gotta say no, you gotta send them away
What is it, that you need to do, before you can be with me?
I promised you, the pale white moon, when we sat all alone
What is it, that I need to do?, I think Ive done enough
To you, a kiss is just casual, doesnt mean a thing
Am I the only one, left in this world, think Im going insane
My mind, is shattered like glass, in it a reflection of pain. ///

Is this two verses, or is it a verse of a different meter or chord arrangment? I'm guessing that you didn't put a break in between the verses. I'm not sure though. I'm confused. Help me. :D

About your question on the chours.
///I think I should put the chorus in again after "What is it, that I need to do?, I think Ive done enough" What do you guys think? ///

I find that line in the middle of a sentence.
I'm guessing you mean, "I Think I've Done Enough."
Either way, yes, add the chours again, it'll break up the repetion of the two verses. Your verses appear to be lengthy, unless each word telling something, your listeners will become bored. This isn't a song in the class of "The Wreck Of The Edmond Fitzgerld".
It reads like your pouring out your feelings to this girl, Shannon. Give the song some life and breath by adding the chours again, and possibly, taking the most meaninful line of the song, ( your choice) and repeat it while fading at the end.


Over all, I like your lyrics. Some parts I'd redo a bit, polish it up so to speak. A few spots can be redone with words of a stronger meaning, more imaginative.
These lines,,,

1. The confusion, that comes with this, might be more then I can bare
2. What is it, that you see, when you're looking at me
3. My mind, is shattered like glass, in it a reflection of pain

,,, to me are what the song is aiming at. If you decide to rewrite some of the lyrics, I'd focus on these lines and build the song around them.

This line,,,

1. Can't you see you're falling, why wont you, let me catch you there

,,, to me is totally out of place with the rest of the lyrics.


I can see some where your going with it, but without music to compliment the lyics, it's really very hard to give feeling to words.

That's it for now. Just my thoughts.
Good luck Ronin, and again, welcome to HR.
 
wow, thats alot. Im suprised at how fast and how detailed that was. Thanks alot for the help. I think Im gonna rewrite a bit of it tomarrow while Im at work and try to make it into a more structured song with a more cenralized theme. Thanks for those suggestions.

I could make a recording of it but all I ahve is this headset mic and on a BBS like this Id probably get flame for such bad recording techniques :p

also, speaking of seeing her face if I sing it to her. I get really nervous when I sing songs Ive written especially when the subject matter is very personal. Is there any good technique to getting aroudn this or should I just try to relax and pretend that Im by my self?
 
Ronin said:
I could make a recording of it but all I ahve is this headset mic and on a BBS like this Id probably get flame for such bad recording techniques :p
Click to expand...
This is not a recording critiquing forum. No one will say a thing about your recording,

~ hee hee, not to his face anyway ~
Just kidding.

This forum is for songwriting and any recording is welcome here.
 
Ronin said:
wow, thats alot. Im suprised at how fast and how detailed that was. Thanks alot for the help. I think Im gonna rewrite a bit of it tomarrow while Im at work and try to make it into a more structured song with a more cenralized theme. Thanks for those suggestions.

I could make a recording of it but all I ahve is this headset mic and on a BBS like this Id probably get flame for such bad recording techniques :p

also, speaking of seeing her face if I sing it to her. I get really nervous when I sing songs Ive written especially when the subject matter is very personal. Is there any good technique to getting aroudn this or should I just try to relax and pretend that Im by my self?
Click to expand...

I'm no expert on songwriting, but I do pretty well with girls...
I would probably never sing this song to this girl. Let me guess, you're friends with this girl, but you want more. She doesn't see you as someone she wants to date, she normally goes for guys that you think are idiots?

You're probably a nice guy, and you wonder what's keeping her from being with you?

Am I accurate here, or way off. If I am, I can tell you the solution.

Let me know,

Ben
 
no. we're kinda dating right now but the big problem is that shes a huge flirt and that she flirts alot with guys that like her. So it makes me wonder if what she does with me is what she does with alot of guys. I dont know, I think she may just like being chased and if thats the case I dont know how much chase I have left in me.
 
Ronin said:
no. we're kinda dating right now but the big problem is that shes a huge flirt and that she flirts alot with guys that like her. So it makes me wonder if what she does with me is what she does with alot of guys. I dont know, I think she may just like being chased and if thats the case I dont know how much chase I have left in me.
Click to expand...

yeah I know the type...makes for good song subject matter :)

good luck
 
haha, yeah it does, Ive written so many songs since I started dating her.


Anyway, Shannons Ring V 1.3

Just another, Speed bump in the road, just another guy to you
What we did, was special to me, not just some other girl
You're the only one that I see, when I look into this world
So I slip, this ring around my neck, to remind me of you

(chorus)
Cant you see, what those guys want from you, cant you tell by thier stares
Always said, I wasnt the jealous type, turns out I was wrong
The confusion, that comes with this, might be more then I can bare
I know you're scared, but its time to move on, its time to act like you cared
(/chorus)

What does it matter, if those guys like you, as long as you're willing to stay
You're too nice, sometimes you gotta say no, you gotta send them away
What is it, that you need to do, before you can be with me?
What is it, that I need to do, I thnk Ive tried long enough

(Chorus)
So I see, shannons ring around my neck, remember how it all began
all that excitement, and all that hope, now mixed up in pain
What is it, that you see, when you're looking at me?
I know you're scared, but its time to move on, its time to act like you cared
(/chorus)

I promised you, the pale white moon, when we sat all alone
But to you, that kiss was just casual, it didnt mean a thing
Am I the only one, left in this world, think Im going insane
Now my mind, is shattered like glass, in it a reflection of pain

Maybe this ring, is to remind me of, what it all could have been

-Semper Fedelis
 
Whats with the Semper Fidelis? Are you a mrine or something? Do you say that at the end of the song?

Anyway. I tend to keep the chorus lyrics pretty simple and somewhat repetative. But don't get too repetative. I also make the chorus the "Catchy" part of the song when I'm deciding what chords to put with it. I also only use rhyming scheme's in the chorus.

That way people remember the chorus easier. In most songs, the chorus also says/repeats the song title. I do like the song title, and I think it would work well in the chorus.

That's all from me.
 
what so I like semper fedelis! So what! In fact I really like everything in latin just sayd "Semper fedelis" its awesome. And the marines usually say Semper Fi instead of saying the full sumper fedelis.
 
Semper Fi is short for Semper Fidelis which means "Always Faithful"

:)

All the songs I write I say were written by "Semper Fedelis" cause its like...my band name...if I had band.

What my brother was refering to is that Semper Fi is the marines motto. I fould out about it because my dad was a marine and when a marine sees another marine he usually says "Semper Fi"

:)
 
It's like football players slapping eachothers butts kinda.

You really wanna tell everyone your my brother? You're sure to get hazed....
 
sorry, I guess I should keep it quiet. I didnt really think about it thats just how I talk.

If you're still embarrased like you were when we were kids Ill pretend I dont know you :p
 
Bad Gas

Ronin,

I think you are fortunate to have gotten such a well structured critique from the "Lord of the Gas Jam."

Bad Gas,

I would really appreciate having your input on my work someday.


Keep the faith (both of you).........Ozlee :cool:
 
okay, I just did a recording using my headset mic, Im gonna see if MY BROTHER NILBOG, will clean it up for me and then Ill post it.

keep in mind when you hear it that Ive onlyl been playing guitar for 5 months and that I know how bady I messed up this song but I really dont feel like reocording it again.

oh and also, I think I need singing lessons, any one else agree?
 
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