What becomes of it all?

[jimmiebananas]

Ok, I wrote this in one shot so it's not necessarily done yet. Chalk it up as a protest song I suppose. It's about war. I've got music for it and hope to have it recorded in a week or two.
Tell me what you think of the lyrics, thanks.

What becomes of it all?

I see we’ve won another battle
Heard we fought it fair, and won it clean
Forgive me, but I’m having trouble (I’m a bit confused)
Understanding what that means

So what becomes of the ones without a side?
The one’s who’ve never fought, who’ve never tried?
The innocents caught in the firing line?

We’ll know one day but now is not the time
We’ll know one day but now is not the time

A wife is standing in her kitchen
Alone she works, her chores undone
Her weeping smears her husband’s postcard (and it reads)
“I want to leave, this isn’t fun”

So what becomes of the ones who stand and watch?
The ones whose eyes are fixed upon the clock?
The one’s who hope their loved ones land on top?

But hoping they are well is just a thought
But hoping they are well is just a thought

A child curls up on the sofa
The evening news it fills his gaze
Says “mama, tell me why we’re fighting” (she replies)
“Because my son, it’s the only way”

So what becomes of the ones too young to know?
The ones that learn to accept it as they grow?
The ones who think that stones were meant to throw?

The blood it dries, but there’s still more to flow
The blood it dries, but there’s still more to flow

The deaths out in the fields are slowing
Though thousands died, we’re almost done
Forgive me, but I’m having trouble (I’m a bit confused)
Understanding how we’ve won

So what becomes of the final stone that’s cast?
When the final gun gives off its final blast?
Shall I dry my eyes and welcome in the laughs?

This war is over; it’s finally in the past
This war is over; it’s finally in the past
But I’ll cry some more, I know it’s not our last

 

[mikeh]

The flow from one innocent non combatant to the next is very good, the concept and message are potent. You do create some good images (wife in the kitchen, child on the couch)

For a songwriting technique view, some of the rhymes seem a little forced (undone/fun, clock/top, blast/laughs) and could benefit from song re-writes (I know you indicated this is a first pass - so I suspect you already recognize this). I have a little trouble clearly defining what is a verse vs. a chorus and/or bridge (I'm guessing the "what becomes" is the "chorus"). While I understand this is a message song and perhaps you choose not to establish the "hook" I always look for a "hook" in a song.

I though this was a good first pass, and lyrically you have the potential for a fine message song.