took my love to the liqour store

[nickjc]

got a new song posted - called 'took my love to the liqour store'

any comments are greatly appreciated - mainly looking for stuff on the song itself, and how to improve it (I think it falls off a bit at the end - any suggestions on what to do?)

here is the link:

took my love to the liqour store

(please be patient with the web page, my Host is a load of shit )

here are the lyrics (although you can view them on the site too)

took my love to the liqour store

took my love to the liquor store
traded her for a pack of fours
I wear my heart on my sleeve
do not dry and do not bleach

I’m running out of shirts
and excuses for being hurt
I’m running out of shirts

took my love to the county fair
to the tunnel of love and I left her there
I kissed her under the tree
paint my face and let her see me
I’m running out of coins
and desire for the heat of her loins
I’m running out of coins

 

[mikeh]

You have a couple of clever lines, (the first 2 line of each verse are both clever and biting, with a sense of humor) I like the tie in with the heart on sleeve and dry/bleach (although the sleeve/bleach rhyme is a little forced).

A few of the other lines seem too forced (in particular the coins/loins line).

However, I suspect you have the ability to become a very clever lyricist!!

 

[Garry Sharp]

No problems with your site.

I was thinking just what mikeh said before I read his post, so +1 to his comments. There was a definitely early 60's feel to this, and the lyrics and music fit together well in that sense. (I hope you don't mind me saying the recording / production is not the best, but this is not the Clinic and I'm not best qualified to comment on that anyway )

It's a good start but no more than that, IMHO, both musically and lyrically. I'd like to see another verse at least, and I feel that a song like this needs a conventional structure, with a longer chorus, ideally with a bit more of a hook. As always, my opinion only which you are welcome to ignore

Definitely some potential there though.

 

[nickjc]

hey thanks guys!!!!

yeah I think the song isn't quite there yet - I posted to see if anyone had any ideas of where to take it. the song used to have an end bit where I sing over that instrumental ending "I put on a jacket for the cold, and a smile for you", but I cut it cos it seemed out of place . . .

and yeah mike, I hate that coins/lioins rhyme, but I have yet to come up with anything better.

cheers for the feedback guys - I guess it's back to the drawing board as usual . . .