For my Father

T

timmyp

New member
Here's one of my most recent poems that I've written. Any constructive criticism is welcome, please give reasoning for your thoughts though.

For my father.

Tears flowed as if from the clouds,
My heart strings were plucked by the mighty one.
A tune more beautiful than a freshly picked rose,
Delusions of a perfect world, memories of times gone by,
All darted through my mind,
Cracking the discomfort, that had formed inside of me.

As he’d left, I’d wept as if the world,
Was coming to an end, it wasn’t worth living in.
Nothing left except frayed fragile nerves,
And displaced hearts.
Known as a man of education and religion,
He’d left his eminence in a world where he cannot be.

The curtains closed around his body,
The end of an era, the beginning of a new chapter.
I was left with only my heart and mind,
Everything I tried to clear my head failed, pictures continued to appear,
As if from nowhere, images of a man and a train,
Flashed before me, nothing could rid them from my heart.

Memories became important from that day,
Everything I faced I saw in a different light.
Treasuring the entirety of all that I did,
Appreciating the life and freedom I’d been given.

Precious memories,
Of a simplistic, idyllic world,
Left behind,
For evermore.

Tim Peacock
16/11/05
Copyright ©2005

If you want me to crit any of your work after you've criticised mine, please leave a link

Cheers
Tim
 
TAKE EVERYTHING WITH A GRAIN OF SALT.

1. I think the poem is nice. However, I wonder why you are displaying it in the SONGWRITING forum. Is it, just because this is the only place for poetry or do you want the lyrics to be eventually converted into a song? I ask because as a poem it is nice, but I think it could be edgier. (A few shakes of salt would be most appropriate here) Although I realize that the tone is more reserved--so as is--it works. I guess I just like edgier stuff. I think the similes and comparisons are a less creative, more familiar. (A few shakes of salt would be most appropriate here)

2. Why I made my criticisms?

I think line 1 is rather creative and orginal, but line 3 is cliche. (A few shakes of salt would be most appropriate here) I think there are too many syllables in some of the lines, for the poem to tightly fit a . . . . admittedly preconceived measure in my own head. (A few shakes of salt would be most appropriate here)
 
They could eventually be turned into lyrics but I don't think so. Thanks for the comments, I'll change a few bits now I think.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top