Dreams: please let me know what you think about this

[Backer]

Dreams
can you tell me about my dreams
all these faces that i have seen
planes falling from the sky
all these people do they have to die

I tried to tell you about the train
but you just said i'm going insain
but when you saw the news next day
you didn't have that much to say.

can you tell me what i'm suppose to do
they won't believe me but I know its true
when i see these things in my head
the next day someone winds up dead

this is the first time ive showed these lyrics to anyone before so please give me some feedback no offence will be taken its all about learning. So go ahead and carve it up thanks. Backer

 

[Cosmic]

Becker,

I think you could craft a nice, quiet, intense ballad out of this.
You have 3 verses. You don't have a chorus or a bridge, if you want to be conventional about it.
In terms of writing, the only place you step off the rhyming is 'dreams/seen'
How about 'all these faces, all these screams'? (just an idea)

You don't necessarily need a bridge, but I think a chorus kicking this home would make it quite effective.

Some imaginative arranging could make this quite nice. Do you have a melody for it?

CC

 

[Backer]

Thanks very much for your response i really appreciate the comment.
I'm having a bit of trouble with the arrangement. I recored guitar the other night to what i want it to sound like. Its hard its alittle bit depressing i,m trying to get a similar sound to the Mike oldfield Tubular bells. along those lines and i,m working on that at the moment. I,m trying to make it into a haunting little track. its an inspired song. when i get a rough copy finished i will try and post it for you to listen i'm using cool edit pro version2.1 still coming to terms with it. Thanks for the Dreams/ screams I will certainly take that into account.
Backer