I really don't like these lyrics

[andyhix]

This is a song I wrote for a band I was in about 10 years ago. It was a sorta punky noise band, and this was our obligitory ballad. I decided to revive it for the current band, and I'm really not happy with the lyrics, but I can't seem to make any headway on a rewrite. I just find them boring, repetitive and transparent, and a little cliche. I would just scrap them entirely, but they do work very well melodically with the music, so I'd like to try to massage it into something a little stronger. If I remember correctly, it's basically about some neighbor I had when I lived in an apartment, that seemed majorly stuck in a depressing routine of work, eat, sleep, repeat.

I'd be eternally grateful for any suggestions:

Verse1:
It’s kind of a shame
To wake up just to stay awake
It’s kind of a shame
To go home to stay at home
It’s kind of a shame
To buy your time by killing time
There’s not much to gain
When no one knows your name

Chorus:
What would it matter,
If they gave a damn about you?
Would your life shatter
And would the lies come true?

Verse2:
It’s kind of a waste
Don’t you think? Don’t you ever think?
It’s kind of a waste
To take them home; there’s no one home.
It’s kind of a waste
To buy your love, to try to love
Or try to escape,
When no one knows your name

Repeat Chorus

 

[Whatmysay]

Don’t rewrite – new write. 10 years on and every cell in your body is different. Go to the main theme (your own great lyrical hook - “work, eat, sleep repeat”) and build around that. If the monotony was bad 10 years ago – what broke it? Or did you just flow into a new monotony with a few spikes of excitement to stave off suicide?

With material this old it is better to respond to it – like a diary entry - (particularly as you don’t seem to like it too much) then to try to bring it back to life. Better the son of Frankenstein than Frankenstein in flares, or converse or what ever the fashion was 10 years ago! I lost track after '92

 

[mjr]

This is a song I wrote for a band I was in about 10 years ago. It was a sorta punky noise band, and this was our obligitory ballad. I decided to revive it for the current band, and I'm really not happy with the lyrics, but I can't seem to make any headway on a rewrite. I just find them boring, repetitive and transparent, and a little cliche. I would just scrap them entirely, but they do work very well melodically with the music, so I'd like to try to massage it into something a little stronger. If I remember correctly, it's basically about some neighbor I had when I lived in an apartment, that seemed majorly stuck in a depressing routine of work, eat, sleep, repeat.

I'd be eternally grateful for any suggestions:

Verse1:
It’s kind of a shame
To wake up just to stay awake
It’s kind of a shame
To go home to stay at home
It’s kind of a shame
To buy your time by killing time
There’s not much to gain
When no one knows your name

Chorus:
What would it matter,
If they gave a damn about you?
Would your life shatter
And would the lies come true?

Verse2:
It’s kind of a waste
Don’t you think? Don’t you ever think?
It’s kind of a waste
To take them home; there’s no one home.
It’s kind of a waste
To buy your love, to try to love
Or try to escape,
When no one knows your name

Repeat Chorus

I don't really have a problem with the overall message or the story in the lyrics. The lines "it's kind of a shame", and "it's kind of a waste", seem repetitive.

Maybe consider:

To wake up just to stay awake
To go home to stay at home
To buy your time by killing time
It’s kind of a shame
There’s not much to gain
When no one knows your name

or

It’s kind of a shame
To wake up just to stay awake
To go home to stay at home
To buy your time by killing time
There’s not much to gain
When no one knows your name

and maybe the same thing with "it's kind of a waste"

 

[andyhix]

I don't really have a problem with the overall message or the story in the lyrics. The lines "it's kind of a shame", and "it's kind of a waste", seem repetitive.

Maybe consider:

To wake up just to stay awake
To go home to stay at home
To buy your time by killing time
It’s kind of a shame
There’s not much to gain
When no one knows your name

or

It’s kind of a shame
To wake up just to stay awake
To go home to stay at home
To buy your time by killing time
There’s not much to gain
When no one knows your name

and maybe the same thing with "it's kind of a waste"

Perhaps surpisingly, the "kind of a shame/waste" repetition doesn't bother me so much as the filler in between - that's what, to me, actually makes it too repetitive. (probably need to hear it in the context of the music) I think if I can just rewrite or replace about 25% of the lines, I can be happy with it. Or, conversely, I do like the idea of surmising about the current day condition of the subject of the song and buiding it anew from there. Same theme, different perspective.

Thanks to both of ya. You've both got me thinking about the lyrics a bit differently, which, ultimately is what I needed.