What very interesting and useful feedback. Thanks, all of you.
Rushfan - I think you're right about the bass. I'll cut it a bit.
M. Brane - the strings are new, and I don't use a pick. It's the fingernails. The synth is a preset in Fruity - I have *no* idea about working with synths - I need loads of help in this area. Thanks.
Sluice - thanks also. I need to work on synth sounds. Forties? Cool. The lyrics are some of the most disturbing on the album, so I decided to mask them with 'beautiful' music. I like the idea of someone humming absent-mindedly to this while they're making their coffee or something, not paying any real attention to the words, everything apparently peaceful and harmonious all the while the song's going on about one of the central tragedies of human existence.
B Sabbath - encouraging, thanks. If it made you feel gay, that's good. I wasn't trying to sound gay, and I'm not gay, and the song isn't really a serenade, but if it affected you that way ('whoa - this is kinda disturbing!), then it was as successful as I was trying to make it. Among others, I was raised on Lou Reed and Bryan Ferry. One of the things I love about their vocal delivery is how they sounded just that little bit twisted.
Eric O - thanks. See comments to B Sabbath.
David - "The song is good, but IMHO needs some development. I would bring the synths in sooner, and add a greater amount of patches. The theme and variations trick would work wonders here."
Well, this starts to get to the heart of the matter. I wanted a minimalist approach on this tune and on the album generally, but I know what you're saying. I need a George Martin. Where's my George Martin? (I've thought of writing a song called exactly that - Where's My George Martin?). I thought of bringing the synth in sooner, but other songs on the album developed more quickly, and I wanted a gentle, step-wise development on this one. But you're probably right - I still lack the altitude I need to see the big picture when I'm arranging. You're definitely right about the synth sound. I need to do some homework. Theme and variations? I'd need to hear it to know. Show me. LOL
Gidge - cheers. If you don't nitpick, then I know I've probably got it *approximately* right. lol
Sydfan - no, I'm not a Christian, but I've got a Christian friend. Does that count? I used two good condensers, one large, one small, on the guitar, and the large diaphragm of course on the voice. Close-miked everything, and put a taste less reverb on the vocals than on the instruments. I wanted it to sound like you're sitting in my living room, which is about 12' X 20', listening to three guys playing and singing. Room for about four listeners.
I'm really grateful for this feedback - mostly because it makes some future directions clearer. Thanks. I'm not gonna change the way I sing, though. Not if it makes B Sabbath feel gay.