HOW TO SING THE BLUES
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest
face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot
have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty house
Bad places:
a. first-class restaurants
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
>> a. you're older than dirt
>> b. you're broke
>> c. you shot a man in Memphis
>> d. you're blind
>> No, if:
>> a. you have all your teeth
>> b. the man in Memphis survived.
>> c. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
>> d. you were once blind but now can see
>>
>> 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
>> cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a
> leg
>> up on the blues.
>>
>> 14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other
>> acceptable Blues beverages are muddy water and
black coffee.
>>
>> 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
>> Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is
>> the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down
> cot.
>> You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting
>> liposuction.
>>
>> 16. Some Blues names for women:
>> a. Sadie
>> b. Big Mama
>> c. Bessie
>> d. Fat River Dumpling
>>
>> 17. Some Blues names for men:
>> a. Joe
>> b. Willie
>> c. Little Willie
>> d. Big Willie
>>
>> 18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't
> sing
>> the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
>>
>> 19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
>> name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
>> middle name: choose a fruit (lemon, etc)
>> last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
>> For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
>> (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
>>
>> 20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing
>> the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get
>> out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care
yeap - that's the Blues.
Cheers
