Dark hard rock

[Calwood]

I'd really appreciate some comments on the writing for this tune. It's something I've been playing with for a couple weeks. Not too concerned about the mix at this point,...really would like to know what anyone thinks of the writing.
The vocs are only junk tracks,..still trying to map it out,..also there are some edits that need fixin'.I may end up jostling things around a bit. Anyway,..would appreciate any and all comments.
The vocs may be a bit buried in this tune and hard to follow so I'll post them as well,...Thanks!

The tune is,..Who Am I(edit1)

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/davejammusic.htm

VERSE
Feel alone and be adored
He don't love them now
you wont win,..you wont win
I'm always in your nightmare
He dont love any at all
who am I
They dont wanna know

CHORUS
I'm always in your nightmare

Now the end is near
Whats up there
Should I even worry
Should i care
I dont know right now,..i dont know

VERSE
Feel alone and feel adored
Who am I
He's your lover now
He's alone and he adores
Free to love back all

CHORUS
I'm always in your nightmare

BRIDGE
An orphan
at the onset
He'd often do what I'd pen
In life and beyond,....

I realize now
I wanted
To be us and do your nothing
I wont win,..only you win
I'm always in your nightmare
You set me up
I dont really wanna jump now

I realize now
It's too late
Follow me and you'll be free

Probably should've posted this in the songwriting forum. Anyway,...the tune is about a guy battling his inner demon( thats who "he" refers to in the lyrics),..the guy ends up losing the battle and commits suicide. Happy tune eh?

Take 'er easy,...
Calwood

 

[producerkid]

i really like the idea of the song and i think the lyrics fit the tune well. but i would seriously consider re recording the whole tune to a click track. there is some serious timing issues with the drums. however, if you tighten up the playing a bit on this you've got yourself a real cool tune on your hands. its got a real ambient feel to it witch i like. some of the riffage really reminds me of earlier CKY, while the whole feel of the song kind of reminds me of Swirl 360. lol. good writing, IMHO, very trippy. the recording needs work but other than that, keep it up.

 

[Calwood]

Thanks for the reply and comments. I think youre right brother. I need to re-do the drums to a click. I had trouble playing the kick parts so I tracked the drums seperately,..snare,..kick,..cymbals. Anytime I do that,..I can never get the timing right. Besides the fact that I'm a guitar player pretending to be a singer,..drummer,..bass player,..etc. ha ha.

Thanks most for your comments on the writing. Thats really what i'm lookin' for with this post.
Thanks again.

Anyone else?

Take 'er easy,..
Calwood