No, you see, what you do, is you take a radio shack mic, then you stick the instrument in a room (make sure it's square and that there's no sound absoption on the walls so you get lots of standing waves). Then, you set the compression threshold as low as it can go with the fastest attack and the slowest release, with at least a 10:1 compression ratio.
Then, you add lots and lots of eq from your Behringer Eurorack mixer... be sure that the lows are around +10 to +15 gain.. as a matter of fact, do that to all the eq knobs. If you have a different mixer and it has sweepable mids, be sure to get as much of the lower midrange as possible (200-500hz).
After that, add your effects. Lots of them. The more effects the better. Then you run into a digital recorder of some sort. I would recommend "riding the red" on your digital recorder (+1 or +2 gain) to get that nice "digital odd-order harmonic distortion" that adds warmth or something.
Then from there, you just fix it in the mix*!!!!
*may be sarcasm.