Jokes!!
- Thread starter elbandito
- Start date
arcadeko
Illuminatius Overlordious
He would have been in some serious trouble if she used the Hutzler 571 on him... they would have never got it back on!
I was in a bar the other night and there were a few burly woman sitting down at the end of the bar.
By the sound of their accents they were from northern Ireland or close by.
So I strolled over and asked * Are you all from Scotland*?
The largest of the woman spoke right up and said *It's Wales, You idiot*!
I was taken back and said * My mistake. My apologies. Are you whales from Scotland*?
By the sound of their accents they were from northern Ireland or close by.
So I strolled over and asked * Are you all from Scotland*?
The largest of the woman spoke right up and said *It's Wales, You idiot*!
I was taken back and said * My mistake. My apologies. Are you whales from Scotland*?
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
I love that one. been a while since I heard it. Always makes me chuckle.
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
"In my family," the Scotsman said, "we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the goddamn egg."
"In my family," the Scotsman said, "we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the goddamn egg."
Steenamaroo
...
El Cleano has found his calling!
Keep up the good work, Pal.
Keep up the good work, Pal.
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
An Irish man with a crooked back walks into a coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner reading the paper. He tells the waitress, "Please send Jesus a cup of coffee, on me." So the waitress takes Jesus a cup of coffee.
Then an Arabic man with arthritis walks into the coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner. He says to the waitress "Send Jesus a muffin, on me." So the waitress sends Jesus a muffin.
Finally an American man in a wheelchair rolls into the coffee shop and sees Jesus in the corner. He says to the waitress, "Tell Jesus I'll cover his bill." So the waitress tells Jesus.
As Jesus was leaving the coffee house he says to the Irish man, "Thank you for the free coffee. Be healed!" Jesus touches the man's shoulder, and he was miraculously healed.
Then Jesus went over to the Arabic man and said, "Thank you for the free muffin. Be healed!" Jesus lightly tapped the man's shoulder, and he was healed.
Then Jesus went over to the American man and said, "Thank you for covering my bill. Be healed!"
As Jesus leaned over to touch him, the man yelled, "Don't touch me man! I'm on workers comp!!"
Then an Arabic man with arthritis walks into the coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner. He says to the waitress "Send Jesus a muffin, on me." So the waitress sends Jesus a muffin.
Finally an American man in a wheelchair rolls into the coffee shop and sees Jesus in the corner. He says to the waitress, "Tell Jesus I'll cover his bill." So the waitress tells Jesus.
As Jesus was leaving the coffee house he says to the Irish man, "Thank you for the free coffee. Be healed!" Jesus touches the man's shoulder, and he was miraculously healed.
Then Jesus went over to the Arabic man and said, "Thank you for the free muffin. Be healed!" Jesus lightly tapped the man's shoulder, and he was healed.
Then Jesus went over to the American man and said, "Thank you for covering my bill. Be healed!"
As Jesus leaned over to touch him, the man yelled, "Don't touch me man! I'm on workers comp!!"
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
Hahaha! My wife is a teacher!
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
Hahaha! My wife is a teacher!
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter in bed with a vibrator. She screams at her, "What are you doing?"
The daughter says, "Mom, I'm 40 years old, I'm not married and I don't have a date. Give me a break!"
The mother shakes her head and leaves.
The next day, the father walks in on the daughter and finds the same thing. He screams, "What's going on here?"
The daughter says the same thing to him, he shakes his head and leaves.
That night, the mother comes into the kitchen and finds the father sitting at the table, a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says, "What on earth are you doing with that?"
The father sits back and replies, "Hey, leave me alone, can't a guy have a beer with his son-in-law?"
The daughter says, "Mom, I'm 40 years old, I'm not married and I don't have a date. Give me a break!"
The mother shakes her head and leaves.
The next day, the father walks in on the daughter and finds the same thing. He screams, "What's going on here?"
The daughter says the same thing to him, he shakes his head and leaves.
That night, the mother comes into the kitchen and finds the father sitting at the table, a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says, "What on earth are you doing with that?"
The father sits back and replies, "Hey, leave me alone, can't a guy have a beer with his son-in-law?"
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
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An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."
So the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
==========================================================================
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
==========================================================================
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."
So the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one that a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments. Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...
Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Father: Go ahead, son.
Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.
Father: Is that so?
Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I changed my mind.
Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"
Man: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!
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A guy says, "Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I'm getting smaller!"
Doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Father: Go ahead, son.
Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.
Father: Is that so?
Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I changed my mind.
Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"
Man: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!
==========================================================================================
A guy says, "Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I'm getting smaller!"
Doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
Mr Clean
AKA Teddy Wong
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.
After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.
"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me!"
"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"
"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. And, she said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!"
After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.
"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me!"
"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"
"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. And, she said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!"
Doctorsusony
New member
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"