Jokes!!

A man asked his wife if it was, perhaps, time for a little between-the-sheets bump-n-grind action."No," said the wife. "I have a gyno appointment tomorrow."

"Hmm," said her husband. "You don't have a dentist's appointment, do you?"
 
My favourite joke/funny ever.

A Jamaican's First Snow Flakes

October 8th
Yes! We have arrived in NEW YORK , N.Y. !!! Finally!!! This marks a new
chapter in our lives. It’s very nice here. It’s a little cool, but who
needs all that HOT weather in Jamaica ? This is perfect… not too hot,
not too cold.
..
October 15th
It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some nice
sweaters today and went for a short walk.. Loving AMERICA !!! This is what
life’s all about...

October 30th
The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut, so
cold air cannot creep in… Outside may be cold, but it feels like Jamaica
in this house. Ahhhh!

..

November 11th
The news reports say snow is on the way… we cannot wait!!! We have never
seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first time.
Wow! We just cannot wait!

..

November 14th
Guess what? Started snowing! The first of the season and the first real
snow we have ever seen. The wife made some Grata Cake and we sat by the
window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering
the ground. Could never do anything like this in Jamaica .. IT WAS A
BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!!

..

November 15th
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape.
What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a beautiful
white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it.. I did both
our driveway and sidewalk. Later, the city snow plow came along and
accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street.
The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shoveled again.
Americans are so friendly!!!

..November 18th
It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the
temperature has dropped to around minus eight degrees. The cold weather is
not so bad….we can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined. Several
limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow.
I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow came by
and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

..

November 19th
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became
ice again. Bought snow tires for both the cars. I slipped and fell on my
“ass” in the driveway, paid $150 for the chiropractor, but fortunately
nothing was broken. More snow and ice is expected .. hmmmm.

November 20th
Still cold. Sold my wife’s BMW and bought a 4×4 in order to get to work.
(Suck Teet)

November 21st
On my way to work, de damn 4×4 skidded into the rass guardrail and did
considerable damage to the right fender. Then we had another 15 inches of
dat white sh*t last night. The vehicle is now covered in salt and crud.
More shoveling in store for me today.. Di damn snowplow man clear di
friggin’ street an’ cover up mi rass driveway for the last time. Watch me
an’ him blood claat nex time.

November 22nd
Kiss mi neck… the first heating bill jus’ a come! A how the hell it come
to so much ???

November 30th
A minus 30 frigging degrees out a door! And more rahtid snow de pon de
way. Not a tree or shrub ina di yawd whe no get damage. De power off most
of the blood claat night. Wi try fe keep from freezing to death wid
candles and kerosene heater, but the heater tip over an’ nearly bun dung
the rassclaat
house. Mi manage to put out de flames dem, but end up wid second degree
burns pon mi hands, bun off mi yeyebrow and yeyelash dem. Den wha’ yuh
tink’ happen. De rass car nuh slide on the white shit (again!) on the way
to de hospital and wi haffi write it off. (suck teet)

December 5th
Rahtid… dis snow nuh out fi stop??? Di ting keep coming down! Mi affi
put on all a di clothes wey mi own just fi go out to di damn mailbox. If I
ever catch de frigga wey drive di rahtid snowplow yuh see, I gwine light
him up wid some bitch lick. Yuh know wha’ mi really tink? Mi bet sey ‘im
hide round di corner and wait ’til me finish shovel, den come down the
street fast fast and cover up mi driveway again. Him wicked nuh blow
wow!!!

December 10th
A wha’ kinda sh*t is dis? The power still off. The toilette freeze up,
some part a di roof look like it out fi cave in. But a wha a de blood
claat a gwan yah suh?!?!

December 19th
Eleven more rass claat inches a snow an’ ice!!!!!!!!!! Jah
know…dis nuh right. Ah give de snow plow driva one bumba-claat bitch lick
crass him head back wid de snow shovel … ‘im run whey and scream sey ‘im
a ago press charges …. (suck teet)

December 21st
But is wha’ dis …. de wife run whey and leave mi! Bout she too cold!!

December 22nd
The pu**y claat car won’t start and mi tink mi ah go snow-blind. Mi caan
feel mi toe dem and mi nuh see the bloodclaat sun fi weeks!!!! An’ guess
wha? The weatherman ah predict more snow!!!!!!!! Good fi rass him.
The wind chill is 30 pu**yclaat degrees below zero !!

December 25th
Merry Bumba Claat Christmas … mi backside! Mi a move back to sweet,
sweet HOT HOT Jamaica teday ’cause dis place yah a go kill mi!!!! ‘Farin’
a nuh fi everybody!!!!
 
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
 
I like this old Freudian slip joke:

I accidentally said to my wife, 'I hate you. You have ruined my life and I want a divorce!' Of course, what I meant was, 'Pass the salt, dear.'
 
"I've really had it with my dog," said the first guy to his neighbour. "He'll chase anyone on a bicycle"

"Hmmm, that is a problem," said the neighbour. "What are you thinking of doing about it?"

"Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!"

That's all I got. But I love this thread!!
 
A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day.The clerk warns that the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language.

The housewife doesn't mind and brings the parrot home. When she uncovers the cage, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Madam. Hello Madam."When her three daughters come home from school, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls."

Finally, her husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner.When he walks past the parrot, the parrot says, "Brawkk! Hi Phil!"
 
A gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the offering basket is passed, he drops in a big wad of bills.
When the basket gets back to the minister, he notices the wad of money and announces: "Someone here was very generous in the offering today. I would like to ask the person who gave this large amount of money to please stand."
The gay man stood up.
The minister continued, "Well, sir, we certainly do appreciate your generosity. And to show our appreciation, I'm going to let you select your three favorite hymns."
"Okay," the gay man replied, "I'll take him, him and him!"
 
There was this guy that went to the doctor to get is sperm counted.The lady behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He says, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then."Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar. She says, "Nothing's in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happend. I called my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand. Nothing still happend. Well, we called our neighbor and she came over, and she tried with her right hand ans she tried with her left hand, and still nothing happened.And the woman behind the counter looked stunned and asked, "You asked your neighbor over to help you!?" And he says, "Yeah, we couldn't get the jar open."
 
A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.
Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.
When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!"


morningafter.jpg
 
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.

After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''
 
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