Jokes!!

dachay2tnr said:
I like it. But why does the boobs button have a minus?? :confused: :D
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Smaller boobs can be fun too.
Not to mention....if the boobs you have to deal with are already hanging by the stomach, you can tighten them up with the minus button. :D

Kinda something like this:

 
T
miroslav said:
Smaller boobs can be fun too.
Not to mention....if the boobs you have to deal with are already hanging by the stomach, you can tighten them up with the minus button. :D
Click to expand...

Still seems akin to a penis shrinker to me.

(Although I'm sure a couple of women who have been with me wished they had had one.) :eek: :D
 
"OK...so she's not perfect...but I love her."


bride-as-horse.jpg


Ahhh...no comment.


2015-10-05-07-57-02.jpg


I hope it's at least her dog.


2015-10-05-11-55-54.jpg.png



"Have we met before?"


2015-10-05-07-59-16.jpg
 
miroslav said:
I hope it's at least her dog.


View attachment 94804
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I think it might be the K-9 from when she called the police...
to report someone stole her breasts...

---------- Update ----------

I had a near death experience yesterday afternoon that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things couldn't possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in one of the stirrups...


When this happened I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.


Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart Manager came out and unplugged it!
 
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
 
Two vegetarians decide to forsake their lifestyle.
So they went to the store, bought two large ribeyes, charcoal and a grille.
They came home, lit the charcoal, and as the grill got hot they marinated the steaks in olive oil and seasonings, and slapped those slabs on for 5 minutes a side.
As they sat down to their feast, one turned to the other and said, "So we meat at last."
 
BroKen_H said:
Two vegetarians decide to forsake their lifestyle.
So they went to the store, bought two large ribeyes, charcoal and a grille.
They came home, lit the charcoal, and as the grill got hot they marinated the steaks in olive oil and seasonings, and slapped those slabs on for 5 minutes a side.
As they sat down to their feast, one turned to the other and said, "So we meat at last."
Click to expand...

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to notify a moderator about this post, it may be time to close this thread. :)
 
acidrock said:
I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to notify a moderator about this post, it may be time to close this thread. :)
Click to expand...

No, no, really I can change. :)
Ever had Dijon vu where it seems you are using the same mustard again?
The hotel was haunted by an inn-spectre
See, I can change. :laughings:
If you want to be truly entrenched in your work, become a ditch digger. It's the only occupation where you start at the top...
 
I woke up this morning and flexed my knees...they went, crack.
I raised my hands over my head, and my shoulders went CRACK.
I turned my head, and my neck went CRAAACCKK.
I stretched my back, it it went CraCraCrackackack..
I've decided I'm not old, I'm just crispy...or maybe I'm on crack. :eek:
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. It'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments And asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

561cbbda0f5d8_math.jpg
 
I think I'd like a job cleaning mirrors...that's something I could really see myself doing.

WARNING: Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
 
Pumpkin Pi, anyone?

1374882_601553726554881_317968712_n.jpg
 
A rancher from Idaho and a rancher from Texas were talking. Texas rancher said he could drive his truck all day and not make it across his spread. Idaho rancher replies. "Ya, I've had trucks like that, too "
 
As I get older, I give a little thought to how I want my funeral to go.
I think I'd like to have a closed casket funeral.
Then at the end of the service, I want the organist to play "Pop Goes The Weasel" over and over and over until everyone is looking at the casket in horrified anticipation. :)
 
I've hung a Batman suit in the back of my closet. That should really mess with my mind when I get Alzheimer's...
 
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