Girlfriend of two years dumped me, again!

FattMusiek

FattMusiek

New member
Hey guys and gals. I'm pretty bored at the moment so I figured I'd make this post. My girlfriend of two years and three months left me again a week ago saying things like "I don't think I can be happy with you in the future" and similar things. I'm 21 and she is 20. Some back story for you:

Back in late January she broke up with me during a period of stagnation in our relationship. I was unemployed, smoking a lot of weed, playing an online game entirely too much. It took my by surprise; for some reason I had it in my head that our relationship was so special to both of us that she'd never leave me. In addition to me basically wasting away, she had another guy interested in her which helped the process along.

During this time I attempted to be her friend but after a short time I decided I couldn't handle the pain of calling her when she was with this guy so I cut off all contact with her and began to get on with my life. I went to her house and told her what was up--later sister.

One week later she puts a burned CD on my car with "Please call me" on it and prints out the lyrics. The jist of the songs was "I miss you." It really moved me. During the time we were broken up I thought all I wanted was another chance to do "everything right that I did wrong to cause this break up."

I rushed over to her place and caved in (took her back), even after she told me she hooked up with the aforementioned guy shortly after we broke up. We got back together and things were pretty good between us. I had my chance to NOT do all the things that she did not like about our prior relationship as well as had my chance to be with her romantically again. During this time I knew that after three months she'd be going to Boston for an unpaid internship while rooming with her best friend. Still, I felt the relationship was renewed and I had just gotten my trust for her back when...

She broke up with me again (back together starting early March till the end of July). On June 1st she left for the Boston internship (was to be there until August 1st). The entire summer I've been dreaming about the moment she'd come back to me; it was the theme of the whole summer. So imagine my surprise when ten days before she was to come back she dumps me...

I haven't talked to her since the phone call where she broke up with me a week and two days ago. I gave her mom back her stuff (except a book I'm still reading) and can't really justify speaking to her until I am in a place where I feel better off without her.

The thing I don't quite understand is she knew she was coming home after two months. I wonder if this was a rash decision on her part. Unless she has found some new guy to have ready for her when she comes back, she's going to be lonely because she doesn't have many friends in the area. I guess sex really isn't as important to women as it is to guys after all. How does a woman walk away from a consistent (and good) sexual relationship for the prospect of something better in the future?

Sorry for the novel! As I said I'm kinda bored. It would be cool for this to be the newest, happening thread on this forum :D.
 
Sigh.. I hate to be blunt, but either grow up, clean up, quite playing games and realize that if you're in love then there is no room for kiddie games BS and get serious about each other


OR


Move on and save yourself the heartache that lies down the road. If she's dumped you more than once there's a huge chance it will happen again. Mind games are not good. You're either in - or out!







Trust me on this.
 
Cut your losses dude. Calling you with ten days to go was low. Keep the book, don't call her, don't take her calls. Go out with your friends and have a few beers, cut loose and enjoy yourself. I kinda went through something similar last year - you'll miss her and want to call her but that'll go away after a while.
 
FattMusiek said:
I guess sex really isn't as important to women as it is to guys after all. How does a woman walk away from a consistent (and good) sexual relationship for the prospect of something better in the future?
Click to expand...

Truth of matter ..most women don't think sex is as important as men. They seek security and safety...ironic as it is, many get into unfruitful and dangerous relationships. A woman needs nurturing in a different way from a man. She is wired for "hearing" love..and can be sweet talked into just about anything....where as a man is wired for "seeing" love....he sees his dinner on the table...he sees his woman looking at him as he tells her of his day...he sees her taking care of her health, so she will be able to take care of him, when those party years catch up to him!!!:D...he sees his clothes clean and pressed hanging in the closet...he sees his woman in bed wanting to please him(although, I gotta say...if she is what he considers to be a "looker", he can be had for just about anything himself, even if she has a low sex drive and no caretaker skills...because of what his little retarded head gets excited about..;))

There are, however, women who do love sex just as much as men and still be all those other *womanly* things too...then again...you may wind up with a nympho testosterone'd slob!..:eek::D

You talk about unemployment, smoking weed, playing games...basically copping out on the responsibilities of life...so I am assuming THAT is why she left you in the first place...that shouldn't have taken you by surprize...that would be like saying you caught her with that guy and left her....and she was surprized you left...I mean, come on ..some things are obvious!

I know your heart must ache...but I think it will be a good thing in the end...you have learned a lesson I hope, in responsibility and not taking love for granted to the point of abusing it. Your girlfriend is obviously confused about her heart...and obviously does not love you in the forever kind of love you have to work at to keep it growing and alive....the best to you in your future relationships....

...but don't mind me, I'm just the HR babbling idiot...
 
Thanks for the responses...Knowing she'd be coming back home to our little town, I decided to go to Richmond and be with some friends. Despite the fact that I knew she would not contact me upon returning home (because we have not been talking at all), I was still hoping she would. Just anything that would show me that she cares about me. No such thing was received. On the way back home from Richmond I felt the sudden urge to call her- no answer. I left a message basically saying "I'd like to catch up." I know most of you will regard this as a mistake...I do too really. I was weak and caved in to what I know to be the only solution: staying the hell away from this girl.

"She's hooked up with or is getting ready to hook up with a guy in Boston..." I would not put this past her. I don't understand how someone can be that insensitive though. What good is a relationship if you always break up to fuck some random guy? The fortification of a relationship is meaningless if it is a curtain that can be taken down at will for such a low cause...

Honestly though, I can see this being the case. I know what to do, but everything feels extremely difficult. I can't concentrate on anything because every five seconds I think of her.

I am doubting that she will call me back even though I believe her to be a sweet girl to me (all things considering). Some of my friends said "Don't take her back" the first time...at this point, I'm wishing I listened.
 
Dude, be sure you're not making her into something that is only in your head and not reality. I suggest you look up and read on Jung's belief in the anima and aminus. Basically, we create a mental image of our perfect mate and project that onto another person hoping that they will become that projection. It does not work. It never does. Please, try to see the reality. ONLY the reality. Do not make her into something she is not. Be aware of the signs and don't go into denial. You will only be preparing pain for yourself if you ignore this.

Trust me. I've been down that road. It leads to pain.
 
I have a tendency to do that (make her into some perfect being). She, like everyone else, is not perfect. At my age (21), I don't know what the hell I'm talking about when I say "the one." That's a conclusion I've come to- I have not had enough female mates to say something like that.

In any case, she called me and left a voice message but I have not called back. I don't know if I should bother or not. I want to see her but it cannot possibly lead to what I want (being back together with none of this taken place at all). I just know she's gonna look great and I'm going to hurt knowing that she's moved on.

I think in the back of my mind I am interested in still having sex with her, which might explain this dilemma of back and forth, back and forth...Not that it's really an option but if I can, I wonder if I should...

Thanks for the replies.
 
STOP.


She is mentally and emotionally clearing her calendar in the least painful way she knows how.


You should do the same. She's gone.

If she were to come back to you, it would be a mistake for both of you and it wouldn't take long for that realization to sink in. It would be temporary and awkward.

You guys had two good years. Move on.
 
FattMusiek said:
I have a tendency to do that (make her into some perfect being). She, like everyone else, is not perfect. At my age (21), I don't know what the hell I'm talking about when I say "the one." That's a conclusion I've come to- I have not had enough female mates to say something like that.

In any case, she called me and left a voice message but I have not called back. I don't know if I should bother or not. I want to see her but it cannot possibly lead to what I want (being back together with none of this taken place at all). I just know she's gonna look great and I'm going to hurt knowing that she's moved on.

I think in the back of my mind I am interested in still having sex with her, which might explain this dilemma of back and forth, back and forth...Not that it's really an option but if I can, I wonder if I should...

Thanks for the replies.
Click to expand...
Now I understand....
 
Supercreep said:
STOP.


She is mentally and emotionally clearing her calendar in the least painful way she knows how.


You should do the same. She's gone.

If she were to come back to you, it would be a mistake for both of you and it wouldn't take long for that realization to sink in. It would be temporary and awkward.

You guys had two good years. Move on.
Click to expand...

Ditto. Don't even bother calling her. You know what she's going to do and at least pre-empting it will make it feel like it was your choice.

Move on.

Don't look back.
 
Supercreep said:
STOP.


She is mentally and emotionally clearing her calendar in the least painful way she knows how.


You should do the same. She's gone.

If she were to come back to you, it would be a mistake for both of you and it wouldn't take long for that realization to sink in. It would be temporary and awkward.

You guys had two good years. Move on.
Click to expand...

Nothing to add. This is enough. But if you don't follow the above quoted wisdom, I just want my voice counted among those you'll have to ignore.
 
My useless pearl of bitter misanthropic non-wisdom is that you should just learn to hate her. It won't hurt so much. Then, let the hate eat away at you until you are so numb that it's impossible for anyone to ever hurt you again. Just make sure you don't throw your humanity, empathy and compassion out the window at the same time. Go see your family, get a pet..stuff you can love without being kicked in the ass. Concentrate on that. Fuck the rest.
 
If shes 21, too, you should find some totally hot 18 (to keep it legal) year old girl to flaunt around her. Let her know you're not into "old chicks" any more. Thats much more fun than feeling bad about it. You're young, Have fun.

Hey... better yet, 2 18 year old chicks!

H2H
(who married a girl 7 years younger...yeah baby!)
 
Instead of doing her best friend or finding someone younger to "get back at her" just learn to let it go.
Wether she hurt you or not, thats no reason to loose your personal integrity and act like an ass.
Count up the 2 years as a great time in your life and learning experience. We all have those. Im 20 and a similar thing happened to me awhile back too. We had been together for 2 years and now its over.
But you know what, it was great having another person for those 2 years. She helped me through a lotta stuff and vice versa, she taught me a lot and I taught her a lot too. Now that its over, it feels a little empty, but thats life man.
If you must, go out and have coffee with her and TALK about what happened. Let her know you appreciated her friendship and her love through these years but that you think you should both move on.
Forget about sex, no meaningfull relationship has even been built solely on sex. And if thats the only reason you want to get back together with her than I cant help you, but I can tell you that theres a good chance it wont last.
Move on, chalk it up as experience, get out there and have fun without feeling presured. Youre 21 dude, you wont believe how many girls you have met by the time you turn 25.
Just my 2 cents.

Mike
 
Nightfire said:
If you must, go out and have coffee with her and TALK about what happened. Let her know you appreciated her friendship and her love through these years but that you think you should both move on.
Click to expand...



Don't do this ^^^^^^^

If years go by and she calls you up, then maybe. For her, this ^^^ looks like desperation.

There's nothing more pathetic than a desparate guy.


Just STOP. Meet some other girls. And when that happens, DO NOT TALK ABOUT THIS GIRL, PERIOD.

Girls want you to be captivated by their personality, not provide comfort for your loss of the girl you REALLY wanted.

Just call it a day, man.
 
Hey everyone. I really appreciate your comments and experiences. They've definitely been helping.

So I met up with her to talk under the most insanely random circumstances. After a night of smoking with my friend, I drove to her house. I honestly cannot understand what I was thinking, but I went into her backyard like a straight-up weirdo and waved my cell phone around hoping to get her attention through her window ten feet off the ground - it was an old school, rock-thrown-at-window kind of thing.

I couldn't see a damn thing in the pitch black. I heard a soft female voice and the glow of an electronic device; it was her. Not only did I randomly end up at her house on a whim at 2 am, she was already outside lying down in the grass. There was a meteor shower occurring at this very moment and she had been watching it since shortly before I arrived.

We talked. It was very strange. It was as if our relationship had been cut in half by the sharpest of scalpels. I felt like I didn't even know her anymore. Despite that, I was still able to recognize why I loved her in the first place. I still think she is a wonderful person. Her mannerisms were so different though, but in a subtle way. She truly doesn't need me anymore but this is alright. Two months in Boston living with her best friend with no parents, being active and engaged in what she is truly interested in changed her totally. I guess this is what is known as...growing and maturing. My turn!

She answered a lot of questions I had. This to me has formed a foundation, or a footing, to start moving on. Our relationship was important and meaningful to me so I required this kind of ending to get on my way. The obscure, emotional, and desperate last phone call we had when she broke up with me is not sufficient to ME.

I'm sad, but I'm less confused. By the way, to those who believed there was another guy- hate to say it but you were wrong.
 
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