Jokes!!
- Thread starter elbandito
- Start date
dachay2tnr
One Hit Wonder
A Doctor, on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above: She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look!"
"What is your secret, the Doctor asked?”
She said “I smoke ten cigars a day,” and before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels Whiskey every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don’t exercise at all."
“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”
“Forty,” she replied
BroKen_H
Re-member
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Resurrect
New member
An Australian cargo ship finally came into port in England. The sailors were all given shore leave until midnight. Two of the crew, being good pals, headed off together to find a good bar. After several hours and a few too many drinks, they decided to head back to the ship. Upon exiting the bar, they are confronted by a dense London fog. For two hours, they stumble around drunkenly through the fog, trying fruitlessly to locate the docks. Eventually they bump into a man who, unbeknownst to them, is a highly decorated officer in the Royal Navy. One of the sailors asks him, "Say, ya bloke. Can you tell us where we are?"
The officer, highly affronted, demands, "Do you men know who I am?"
The sailor turns to friend and says, "We're in for it now, mate! We don't know where we are, and this fellow doesn't know who he is!"
The officer, highly affronted, demands, "Do you men know who I am?"
The sailor turns to friend and says, "We're in for it now, mate! We don't know where we are, and this fellow doesn't know who he is!"
Anticleon
Member
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150.”
The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?”
The man replied, “Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead…I just can’t take that chance.”
The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150.”
The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?”
The man replied, “Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead…I just can’t take that chance.”
acidrock
GO PACKERS!
They've got a new "Divorce Barbie", it comes with all of Ken's stuff.
They're also coming out with a transgender G.I.Joe, it's call G.I.Don't know.
BroKen_H
Re-member
A wife takes her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you tonight?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?"
"Honey," replies the husband, "I play football with him."
Inside, they walk up to the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be tonight, Jim?"
"Baby, before you get the wrong idea, he's on my darts team."
Just then one of the strippers walks up and asks, "JIM! Are you craving the special again?"
The wife is furious and drags Jim out and into a taxi.
The taxi driver says, "Evening Jim, the usual hotel?"
Jim's funeral is Thursday...
At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you tonight?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?"
"Honey," replies the husband, "I play football with him."
Inside, they walk up to the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be tonight, Jim?"
"Baby, before you get the wrong idea, he's on my darts team."
Just then one of the strippers walks up and asks, "JIM! Are you craving the special again?"
The wife is furious and drags Jim out and into a taxi.
The taxi driver says, "Evening Jim, the usual hotel?"
Jim's funeral is Thursday...
Resurrect
New member
Muhammad Ali was a passenger on a jet plane. Half way through the flight, the pilot announced that the plane was heading into some moderate turbulence, and would all the passengers buckle their seatbelts, please. This is essentially pilot lingo for, "Prepare to face death." Ali, being the brash, arrogant young man he was, refused. The stewardess asked him to please fasten his seatbelt. Ali replies, "Superman don't need no seatbelt." The stewardess responded, "Yes. And superman don't need no airplane, either."
As far as I know, this is a true story.
As far as I know, this is a true story.
Atkron205
Member
Two cowboys were riding across the desert and one stopped, walked behind his horse, got some horse shit on his fingers and smeared it on his lips. The other cowboy looked on in amazement and said, what are you doing? He said I got chapped lips. They rode awhile and the other cowboy said I believe I will try that. He did and they mounted up and a few miles further he asked, how does this cure them chapped lips? The cowboy said, it doesn't cure them but it dammed sure keeps you from licking them.
