Worth a chuckle...

Dogbreath

Dogbreath

Im an ex-spurt
So a man and woman were coming up on their 25th wedding anniversary.

Husband magnanimously says to the wife, "To celebrate our anniversary, I figured a trip to China would be pretty close to perfect."

The wife, flabergasted and excited at the same time says, "Oh that's so wonderful! Imagine, China! The history, the culture not to mention The Great Wall...If you're doing something like this for our 25th, what could possibly be for our 50th?"

"That's when I pick you up."

:D
 
Hahaha :)

I once heard one that stuck in my brain...I'll try to type it from memory.



An older man and his friend loved going out to hunt in the woods. This was a regular part of their schedule, and they would often talk as they waited in their tree stands to pass the time. When they would sit in their regular trees, they could see a road far off in the distance, and would sometimes watch the cars going by as they waited for their prey. Both of them loved hunting, and did everything they could in order to never miss these trips.

One day, as the two men were resting in the tree stands, the friend noticed a hearse going along the far off road. Behind this hearse was the usual caravan of cars. Noticing movement in the other tree stand, the friend looked over at the his buddy. His buddy was standing up in his tree stand. He had taken his typical neon-orange cap off and was solemnly holding it across his heart. He remained this way, motionless, until the last car in the caravan had passed.

Moved by this stunning display of respect and love for a random funeral procession, the friend commented, "Wow man, that's really cool that you would take the time to pay your respects to a dead person like that."

Without blinking, his buddy replied: "It was the least I could do, really. After all, we were married for nearly thirty-five years!!"
 
nice....:D

So a man and wife were celebrating their 50th. (dunno why these are the only jokes I remember :) )

And a reporter was there to see how they stayed married so long.

The husband says..."Son, I'll tell ya."
"On our honeymoon, we decided to tour the Grand Canyon. We start off down the trail on the backs of our mules and I noticed the mule my wife was riding stumbled. She leaned her head down and told the mule..."That's once."

A little later the mule stumbled again and my wife leaned her head down again and said, "That's twice."

A bit later the mule stumbled again and my wife opened her bag, pulled out her 357 and shot the mule in the head, killing it.

I was stunned! "Honey! What the hell are you doing?!? That's just wrong on so many levels!"

She looked at me and said, "That's once."


:)
 
Found this one.....

A man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff.
His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday. "Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill replied, pleased.
So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch.
Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro.
" My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked.
"Sure, why not?" Bill replied.
At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom.
Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers.
Bill just sat there...


naked.


:D
 
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!'

:facepalm:

:D
 
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."


:)
 
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.

When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied that there were six.

The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’



:laughings:
 
A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them.' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'


:D
 
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."


:)
 
What is foreplay?

The loving before the shoving.
The petting before the getting.
The licking before the pricking.
The stroking before the poking.
The lingering and the fingering.




Totally unnecessary with barn animals. :cool:


:D
 
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."


:)
 
An elderly couple from Maine was on their way to FLA. and was stopped in New Jersey for driving to slow.

The officer asked the gent where are you going and he said FLA. his wife being a bit hard of hearing asked her husband, what did he say? And he told her.

Then the officer asked where are you from? The gent said Maine and again his wife asked, What did he say? so he told his wife.

Then the officer said, the worst piece of ass I ever got was in Maine. The wife asked What did he say? What did he say? Her husband said, He says he Knows you.
 
guitaristic said:
Hahaha :)

I once heard one that stuck in my brain...I'll try to type it from memory.



An older man and his friend loved going out to hunt in the woods. This was a regular part of their schedule, and they would often talk as they waited in their tree stands to pass the time. When they would sit in their regular trees, they could see a road far off in the distance, and would sometimes watch the cars going by as they waited for their prey. Both of them loved hunting, and did everything they could in order to never miss these trips.

One day, as the two men were resting in the tree stands, the friend noticed a hearse going along the far off road. Behind this hearse was the usual caravan of cars. Noticing movement in the other tree stand, the friend looked over at the his buddy. His buddy was standing up in his tree stand. He had taken his typical neon-orange cap off and was solemnly holding it across his heart. He remained this way, motionless, until the last car in the caravan had passed.

Moved by this stunning display of respect and love for a random funeral procession, the friend commented, "Wow man, that's really cool that you would take the time to pay your respects to a dead person like that."

Without blinking, his buddy replied: "It was the least I could do, really. After all, we were married for nearly thirty-five years!!"
Click to expand...

lol. winning!
 
Guy walks into the doctor's office for a medical examination.

After a while the doctor tells him: "I'm sorry, but you'll have to stop masturbating."

So the guy asks: "Why?"

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to perform a medical examination."
 
This guy is walking down the street when he is passed slowly by the weirdest funeral procession he's ever seen. It's made up of two hearses, followed by a guy walking a pit bull, followed by a trail of 50 guys.

Overcome with curiosity, he approaches the guy walking the pit bull.

"Sorry for your loss sir, but I don't think I've ever seen a funeral procession quite like this. Did you know the deceased?"

The guy with the pit bull says, "Yep. My wife is in the first hearse. She was killed by my dog Charlie here. The second hearse is my mother-in-law. Charlie killed her when she tried to intervene."

"Wow....", says the first guy, "So can I borrow your dog?"

The guy with the dog points back over his shoulder. "Get in line."
 
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