Work in Progress; four verses

C

Cosmic

Active member
Hi All,

I finally got back to writing again, and this one came to me yesterday after dropping someone off at the airport. No chorus or such yet, four verses that came down pretty much as you see them for now.
Any input appreciated as always,

TERMINAL.
"I pull your bag behind me
You clutch your ticket tight
We know we just can’t end like this
We also know we might
To Paris, then to Cairo
To places that you know,
To silence in my empty rooms
To pain that won‘t let go.

We say I should go home now,
No need to wait around,
Three hours left for us to talk
But I can’t make a sound
The bar is right behind us,
But I don’t touch that stuff
Until the plane is off the ground
Then I can’t get enough.

A love that won’t be done with
For reasons we don’t know
More than 20 years of leaving
Without us letting go
We’re each so many versions
Of things we’ve never had
That losing the illusion
Is worse than going mad.

I strain to see the checkpoint
You make it through ok
We wave one time and then you’re gone
And I get on my way,
The headlights cut the darkness
My vision blurs again
You’re drinking tea and waiting
I’m drifting back to then."


@2009 C. Harding.
 
Your lyrics are excellent - it's going to be a very good song when you are done.

Saying goodbye at the airport must be one of those "universal themes" for songs, like writing about love! Last fall, I saw a TV commercial about two lifelong friends saying goodbye at the airport...the imagery from the ad, and the imagined feelings caused me to write this song.

I think your lyrics are a lot better, BTW ;)


GOODBYE MY FRIEND

Standing by the jetway
Staring at our feet
It's a snowy Sunday - and time's standing still

I've known you for forever and a day
The things we did were never halfway

Goodbye my friend, you'll be gone a long time
Goodbye my friend, I'll see you some day
Goodbye my friend, it'll seem like a lifetime
But we'll be OK

It seems like only yesterday
We talked of what moves us
Now we're in this cafe - in a strange lonely space

I've known you for forever and a day
And now you're going so far away...

Goodbye my friend, you'll be gone a long time
Goodbye my friend, you're going away
Goodbye my friend, it'll seem like a lifetime
But we'll be OK

[Bridge]
Diminished, unfinished
Loose ends abound
If and when you come back
I'll still be around

Now they're calling your number
And you're walking away
Memories tumble - you look back one last time

I've known you for forever it seems
Now here you go and you're livin' your dreams

Goodbye my friend, you'll be gone a long time
Goodbye my friend, we'll meet up some day
Goodbye my friend, it'll seem like a lifetime
But we'll be OK, OK
Goodbye my friend, you'll be gone a long time
So long my friend, as you're turning away
Farewell my friend, it'll seem like a lifetime, mm-hmm
But we'll be OK

© 2008 by Mike Pilling
 
Thanks for your words :) I'll keep plugging away.

I like how yours is filled with 'goodbyes' and yet is anchored by the hope that 'we'll be OK'. I can take that to mean that they may get back together, or that even if they don't, they will be ok without each other. Did you record a demo of it?

I hear solo piano, or, at most, piano, brushed snare and a quiet bass, with yours.

Best,
C.
 
Yes, I do have a demo...and yes, it's piano-based. However, I made it a mid-tempo tune, since the subject matter was kinda sad.

All of the backing is JamStudio, I never actually played on this one, although I certainly could have. Lazy I guess!

Click on the Soundclick link in my signature, and look for "Goodbye My Friend".
 
Cosmic said:
The headlights cut the darkness
My vision blurs again
You’re drinking tea and waiting
I’m drifting back to then."


@2009 C. Harding.
Click to expand...

Four verses . . . and they show considerable promise. I think you have captured the poignant point of departure exceedingly well!. I particularly like "you clutch your ticket tight" and the last, desolate four lines:

"The headlights cut the darkness
My vision blurs again
You’re drinking tea and waiting
I’m drifting back to then"

This is very fine writing, and I look forward to hearing how this all turns out.
 
Gecko,

Thank you very much; I feel inspired by your comments as this one just 'fell on me' when I came home and I am usually someone who ponders and edits when I write.

I need a chorus (I think) and a bridge.
I think I can in fact live without a chorus.

C.
 
I also forgot to mention that I really like your very clever title: "Terminal" . . . a point of departure, and the end of a relationship!
 
This is excellent stuff.

I am not convinced by the bar quartet of lines.

The bar is right behind us,
But I don’t touch that stuff
Until the plane is off the ground
Then I can’t get enough.

It just doesn't seem as richly packed as the rest of the song. I'd delete them replace with the quartet from the start of the 4th verse.

I strain to see the checkpoint
You make it through ok
We wave one time and then you’re gone
And I get on my way,

This makes the 3rd verse then a reflection after she has left and perhaps makes it more poignant. Then you would have

The headlights cut the darkness
My vision blurs again
You’re drinking tea and waiting
I’m drifting back to then."

As a killer bridge.

The Ch needs to appeal to the universal aspects of separation at a more symbolic level then the straight forwardness of the narrative in the verses.

Is the love requited but work separates them?
Is the job more important then the love?
Are both unwilling to compromise?

This is really well written and clearly under the influence of the 'muse' so you have to reverse engineer and really ask your self what aspect of the human condition of separation of love are you trying to comment on? Then I think you'll find your Ch.

Burt
 
Burt,

I like it! I'll have to try that, including using the 'headlights' as a bridge. Now it comes down to the chorus and what the melody wants to do.

I really appreciate your input; those are good ideas.

C.
 
I think that your lyrics are very well crafted and agree with others that the double entente of Terminal is the perfect title. Personally I would like to hear the song with a simple bridge before you start adding much in the way of choruses. You tell a great story here and the repetition of a chorus, unless very well done, may well lead the listener away from the storyline in my opinion. The story is strong and absent of cliche' and succinct. I wish I had written it and I say that in a most complimentary manner.
 
fiddler,

Thank you so much.

I have been leaning towards the 'no chorus' idea myself, both for the reasons you cite, and for the fact that I have really not been able to come up with any repeatable lines that live up to the power of the verses.

One way, based on Burt's idea of extracting the 'headlight' lines as a bridge, could be to use them as a small chorus instead.
Let's see what works.....

C.
 
I think you have an excellent set of lyrics, Cosmic.

I especially like the verse...

Cosmic said:
A love that won’t be done with
For reasons we don’t know
More than 20 years of leaving
Without us letting go
We’re each so many versions
Of things we’ve never had
That losing the illusion
Is worse than going mad.
Click to expand...

Great stuff!

Cheers,
Joseph
 
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