Word for abuse, not use :)

O

ONEsnowRIDER

New member
Please let me know what you think of these words. Sorry for the overtones ... or maybe I'm not.


Bird or Beast

I stepped out of this life the other day
Told the beast he couldn't stay
He just stood their in the muddy sand
feasting on us, he wouldn't understand

I could tell the beast had no hart
Not alone in the field but spread apart
All the beasts would run and play
He just made sure they followed his way

Because we're just a drop of water in a deep deep ocean
the choices we make will show our devotion
Just a small stone on a mountainous shore
The chances we take cause motion in doors
Chances we take cause motion in Doors
Bird or Beast Famine or Feast


I believe in this life we're not alone
Here for a test, its not our home
Just like the beast in the muddy sand
behind the white vale, we can't understand

Because we're just a drop of water in a deep deep ocean
the choices we make will show our devotion
Just a small stone on a mountainous shore
The chances we take cause motion in doors
Chances we take cause motion in Doors
Bird or Beast Famine or Feast


I stepped out of this life the other day
Asked the white bird if he would stay
Softly he said, can you follow my plan
I told him yes, and he gave me his hands

Often he taught without a sound
With the feeling of love all around
All that did listen would come and say
I feel the bird in my soul today

Because we're just a drop of water in a deep deep ocean
the choices we make will show our devotion
Just a small stone on a mountainous shore
The chances we take cause motion in doors
Chances we take cause motion in Doors
Bird or Beast Famine or Feast

I believe in this life we're not alone
Here for a test, not our home
Just like the bird and his glorious plan
We to can fly but first we must stand

Because we're just a drop of water in a deep deep ocean
the choices we make will show our devotion
Just a small stone on a mountainous shore
The chances we take cause motion in doors
Chances we take cause motion in Doors
Bird or Beast Famine or Feast


Does it sound like a song or a poem?

Thanks for the input
 
It is definately a song, to which you need music! Excellent lyrics!
Pick up the guitar and write that music man! That is if you haven't already. If you have music for it, I'd like to hear it.


bd
 
i personally feel that the words "bird" and "beast" are overkill. is there any way you could allude to the ideas without using them so much outside of the chorus? i just think it's too much.

the message is good.

i'm not sure about the flow without hearing it to music.
 
bdbdbuck said:
It is definately a song, to which you need music! Excellent lyrics!
Pick up the guitar and write that music man! That is if you haven't already. If you have music for it, I'd like to hear it.


bd
Click to expand...

Thanks for the input dbdb. I'm TRYING to put it to music, almost their ...almost their ...oh that sounds like crap, start over ...do you know what I mean?
 
zer0sig said:
i personally feel that the words "bird" and "beast" are overkill. is there any way you could allude to the ideas without using them so much outside of the chorus? i just think it's too much.

the message is good.

i'm not sure about the flow without hearing it to music.
Click to expand...

Zer0sig I'm kinda feeling the same way about the layout as I've tried to put it to music, I've started over now 3 times. When I first started this song the music was a bit differet, now the I've started over the flow just isn't right.



Might put this one on the back burner until my fingers can feel the lyrics.
 
Lyrics are very nice.

Only line I have a problem with is "Bird or Beast Famine or Feast" - just doesn't sound right, a bit corny but everything else is great.

When u manage to get music done let me know I wanna see how this turns out.
 
I agree with zer0sig. I would have prefer EVERY occurance of "beast" outside of the chorus be replaced with he/him (she/her?).

The listeners will understand who he is. Don't beat them over the head with it.
 
I think its a bit long for a song IMHO.

It could make an excellent lyric if you cut out the dead wood and condensed everything by ruthlessly cutting all but the best lines and like the others said, cut out the repetition.
 
You know I'm really starting to like this BBS. All honest opinions and no BS. Thanks for the input all.

OK, this is my second take on the lyrics (my fingers found the words last night). Also, to my surprise, some of you were thinking along the same lines this morning. Have another look and please give me you brutally honest opinions--

Bird or Beast

I stepped out of this life the other day
Told the beast he couldn't stay
He just stood their in the muddy sand
feasting on us, he wouldn't understand

I could tell the beast had no hart
Not alone in the field but spread apart
All the beasts would run and play
He just made sure they followed his way

I believe in this life we're not alone
Here for a test, its not our home
Just like the beast in the muddy sand
behind the white vale, we can't understand

Because we're just a drop of water in a deep deep ocean
the choices we make will show our devotion
Just a small stone on a mountainous shore
The chances we take cause motion in doors

I stepped out of this life the other day
Asked the white bird if he would stay
Softly he said, can you follow my plan
I told him yes, and he gave me his hands

Often he taught without a sound
With the feeling of love all around
All that did listen would come and say
I feel the bird in my soul today

I believe in this life we're not alone
Here for a test, not our home
Just like the bird and his glorious plan
We to can fly but first we must stand

Because we're just a drop of water in a deep deep ocean
the choices we make will show our devotion
Just a small stone on a mountainous shore
The chances we take cause motion in doors
I believe in this life we're not alone
Here for a test, its not our home
Just like the beast in the muddy sand
behind the white vale, we can't understand

Because we're just a drop of water in a deep deep ocean
the choices we make will show our devotion
Just a small stone on a mountainous shore
The chances we take cause motion in doors

I stepped out of this life the other day
Asked the white bird if he would stay
Softly he said, can you follow my plan
I told him yes, and he gave me his hands

Often he taught without a sound
With the feeling of love all around
All that did listen would come and say
I feel the bird in my soul today

I believe in this life we're not alone
Here for a test, not our home
Just like the bird and his glorious plan
We to can fly but first we must stand

Because we're just a drop of water in a deep deep ocean
the choices we make will show our devotion
Just a small stone on a mountainous shore
The chances we take cause motion in doors

Thanks again...

OsR
 
WOW that was it, now its twice as long

doh, I guess I should re-read my post before posting it. This is how it should have looked...

Bird or Beast

I stepped out of this life the other day
Told the beast he couldn't stay
He just stood their in the muddy sand
feasting on us, he wouldn't understand

I could tell the beast had no hart
Not alone in the field but spread apart
All the beasts would run and play
He just made sure they followed his way

I believe in this life we're not alone
Here for a test, its not our home
Just like the beast in the muddy sand
behind the white vale, we can't understand

Because we're just a drop of water in a deep deep ocean
the choices we make will show our devotion
Just a small stone on a mountainous shore
The chances we take cause motion in doors

I stepped out of this life the other day
Asked the white bird if he would stay
Softly he said, can you follow my plan
I told him yes, and he gave me his hands

Often he taught without a sound
With the feeling of love all around
All that did listen would come and say
I feel the bird in my soul today

I believe in this life we're not alone
Here for a test, not our home
Just like the bird and his glorious plan
We to can fly but first we must stand

Because we're just a drop of water in a deep deep ocean
the choices we make will show our devotion
Just a small stone on a mountainous shore
The chances we take cause motion in doors


LOL
 
I like it.
I agree with Glynb, the length will have a lot to do with anyone listening to it, again. Unless, the music is killer.

But if your doing it for you, go for it with gusto.
Post it when you get it near done, 'k?
 
OK it's shorter now, so that's an improvement IMO.

However, you still need to do a thorough examination of every line and every phrase to look for what i would term as logical inconsistencies. Ask yourself does that line really make sense with the others?

For example...

I stepped out of this life the other day
Asked the white bird if he would stay
Softly he said, can you follow my plan
I told him yes, and he gave me his hands - birds don't have hands, they have wings and feet, I know I have a pet parrot!

Seriously, this line sounds silly. Now i appreciate that the bird may be a metaphor for Jesus or god or something who might have hands, but the line sounds silly and thats the bottom line.

You need to go through a harsh revision process on the whole lyric/poem (reads more like a poem to me BTW) - it is a hard process it's not fast and it can be frustrating when you cannot find an alternative word or phrase. But in the end you end up with a lyric that stands up to examination and sounds good. - I assume thats' what you want to achieve?

BTW I'm no expert so take what I say accordingly.
 
glynb said:


BTW I'm no expert so take what I say accordingly.
Click to expand...

None of us are. Some are by far better at constructing as song than others. But that's what adds flavor. That's why we ask, that's why we all give our ideas, opinions and thoughts.

We/You, are the listeners of the world. It's our comments and opinions that gives the person asking the question an idea of what others hear, or read, when listening to or reading the lyrics of a song.

What we all say here is as important as an experts advice. Your an expert in what trips your trigger, as we all are. It's what you like or don't like that can make a dramatic change in a song if the person can fix it.


It's been my observation that when an 'expert' does drop by here, it's not to help anyone who is beginning to write songs, or is having a problem with a part of a song they just can't work out. These 'experts' freely leave their URLs and a few paragraphs of hype, then are gone to some other forum.
They usually charge for a membership in their frat. The bottom line of these 'experts' is gimme your $, and I'll tell you what you want to hear, blah, blah....

I've learnt a ton of stuff from this forum. I feel it's improved my songwriting ten fold. The people who offered their suggestions are not experts, but other people, like you and me, who share what they know, ask of others what they don't know. When I was new here, they were experts. They still are.

In my book, glynb, your as much as an expert as anyone on this forum. You say what you think, offering what you know and your likes and dislikes and bringing out some damn good points. That is what the person asking wants.
That's what matters,
~ laying the feathered tip of my quill upon your shoulder ~
Expert Glynb.

Then, who am I to lay my quill upon your shoulder? :eek:

I've yet to come across one of your songs. Do you have one posted here?
 
glynb said:
OK it's shorter now, so that's an improvement IMO.

However, you still need to do a thorough examination of every line and every phrase to look for what i would term as logical inconsistencies. Ask yourself does that line really make sense with the others?

For example...

I stepped out of this life the other day
Asked the white bird if he would stay
Softly he said, can you follow my plan
I told him yes, and he gave me his hands - birds don't have hands, they have wings and feet, I know I have a pet parrot!

Seriously, this line sounds silly. Now i appreciate that the bird may be a metaphor for Jesus or god or something who might have hands, but the line sounds silly and thats the bottom line.

You need to go through a harsh revision process on the whole lyric/poem (reads more like a poem to me BTW) - it is a hard process it's not fast and it can be frustrating when you cannot find an alternative word or phrase. But in the end you end up with a lyric that stands up to examination and sounds good. - I assume thats' what you want to achieve?

BTW I'm no expert so take what I say accordingly.
Click to expand...



Yes, absolutely this is what I'm trying to achieve. And do appreciate the input. The hardest thing I've found about writing lyrics, is I personally like lyrics that are open to your own interpretation. I understand not everyone is the same in this regard, and shouldn't be. I belive that by making your words so cut and dry that the masses will understand exactly what your trying to say isn't being true to yourself (or in my case, myself). IMHO words that have multiple meanings in lyrics is the best way for people to understand themselves, by their own interpretation. As well as giving them a different perspective, possibly, on what they think the writer is trying to say.

Ok, now that I've gotten a little to deep, ahum ...I will however give this line some more thought. I did think the words sounded more like a poem at first, until I was able to get music to them. I'll post this song as soon as I have my studio up and can get it recorded. So much to do so little time!!!

Some of the lyricists I enjoy are Neal Pert and David Gilmore and the likes.. hey that might make a good post.

OsN
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top