The Gathering Crowd

YellowDwarf

YellowDwarf

Dismember
So I wrote this song about a war vet (I'm a Canadian, this guy is American, but it fit) and I'd like you guys to give it a listen and critique, please and thanks. You may have noticed that I'm not the greatest vocalist, but I do try.



Thanks,
Timbo

i was pushin my shopping cart one day - everybody in a suit but me
they all seemed so tall and i felt so small - that i worried somebody'd step on me
they worked up in the towers - you know the ones that touch the clouds
the higher you get, the smaller we look - hard choices are easy in the clouds


the hard choices are easy in the clouds - them hard choices are easy in the clouds


i live here on the ground floor - rarely get more than a little high
i breathe beaucoo exhaust n diesel fumes - but i still believe in the man in the sky
sometimes i sleep in graveyards - sometimes i sleep in tents
but whereever i sleep, when i awake - i know i'm not the president


a lady-girl was pushing her stroller that day - tinny music fizzed in her ears
i glimpsed a shadow, heard a safety snick - an angry man pulled a gun on her
he shouted "nobody better fuckin move" - but they scattered n screamed n scrammed
time stood still and jungle heat beat down - and a huey lit up the sky


i heard a huey light up the sky - a good old huey lit the sky


always knew my life was worthless - they took my leg off at the 91st
jeeps slammed their brakes n boots hit the ground - i was caught in a strange sideshow
with beehive rounds rippin through my mind - i stepped towards the crazy man
he had a beretta on the lady, army boot on her stroller and eyes that didn't quite understand


he and i usta be brothers in arms - he was my LT in viet nam
but sometimes your life tastes so sweet an others its a clusterfuck
i saw there waren't no baby in the stroller - just gun oil and jungle sweat
time recommenced as i snapped a salute - n he swung towards me and fired


he swung twards me and fired - on full automatic, he swung and fired


i knew my good momma was right all along - and i's a special child
a bullet ricocheted off my metal plate - deja vu 40 years behind
i tried to catch the young lady-girl but she'd taken a nap right there
LT saved his last bullet for hisself - never much liked that asshole anyway


so i rummaged thru the stroller - helped myself to a nice bottle a wine
rotors were beatin, orders were shouted - and american blood pooled on the road
i thanked the young lady for her sweet sweet grapes - but she didn't hear a word
i found my pack n gave my foot a shove - n pushed my way into the gathering crowd


i pushed my way into the reeds - i pushed my way back back into the reeds
 
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Hm, tough one. Really sad story and song. As for the recording, the words don't completely jive with the music and it often feels like you're rushing to fit the lyrics in. I think your tone and timber are good, and this is an arrangement issue.. but I thought it was significant enough to warrant mention. I think because you have this modern glitchy-sounding percussion going on.. sets up my "this is going to be slick and modern" expectation. Without that, the vocals might work better as "quirky folk".
 
Thanks for taking the time, fat_fleet.

It is on purpose that I made some of the lines awkward, and it's for the same reason that I stopped rhyming. I introduced the Viet Nam vet to the listener through the word "beaucoo", and was trying to show that the singer was suffering from untreated PTSD by way of letting them know that he was homeless and had lost some sense of the use of the English language. But I guess if you didn't realize that, then most listeners won't either and I'd have to redo this somehow.

The glitchy percussion was to mix things up a bit and take the listener to a place that was unexpected.

Thanks for taking the time and I'll be curious to see how others take it,
Timbo
 
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Well, this one is quite original. I'm not sure what to think honestly. I figured upon first listening there was intent behind the odd phrasing of some lines and the lack of rhyming, but I don't know that I understood it in as specific a way as you intended. Not sure it's necessary though for the listener to pick up on all of that and still be effective on some level?

I quite liked the glitch drums myself for this. A suitably unusual choice.

I did think that the way you tracked and/or processed your voice left it a little harsh in the upper mids somewhere.

This was somewhat challenging to listen to, but I listened twice and definitely appreciate the unique approach you took.
 
Thanks heatmiser,

I'm beginning to wonder if I overcooked it with the lyrics and rhyme. Thanks for pointing out the upper mids, I will definitely listen to the vocals more closely.

Timbo
 
YellowDwarf said:
I [...] was trying to show that the singer was suffering from untreated PTSD by way of letting them know that he was homeless and had lost some sense of the use of the English language. But I guess if you didn't realize that, then most listeners won't either and I'd have to redo this somehow.
Click to expand...

Hey, I don't think me not realizing your intent necessarily implies either of those things..
 
I like this. Its awkward and uncomfortable but in a good way. Your voice suits the track too.

A few points:
There's a lot of hiss in the intro. Can you gate this?
The balance of the acoustic and vocal at the start is odd - they sound like they're in a different space - a reverb issue maybe?
The distorted electric on the left is too quiet - I think it should balance out the acoustic on the right - the mix still feels "lopsided" even when the electric comes in.
The lead that comes in at 2:36 is centred - but the left guitar seems to drop out, why not hit some powerchords with the left guitar to keep this section balanced L/R.

On the arrangement - I like the quirkly lyrics and stuff that get more disjointed as the song goes on - I think it could do with a hook though. Something like a repeating line to accompany the single lines like "the hard choices are easy in the clouds - them hard choices are easy in the clouds" so that these bits feel almost, but not quite like a chorus. This song really doesn't need a normal "chorus" though.

EDIT: I actually really like the lyrics - there's a very strange choices in there that aren't very lyrical - but I think if you removed them it might sound more like a normal folky protest song and not the ramblings of a mental case.

EDIT: Stylistically it reminds me of O'Malley's Bar by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
 
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Thanks JDOD, this is very helpful. Didn't notice the hiss and have thoughts on the balance.

Yr wyf yn gwerthfawrogi eich cymorth,
Timbo
 
Vocal has good clarity. But it's a little thin. Nice vocal performance. Vocal is a bit far in front of the guitar.

Little plosive on the word "up" in the line "they worked up in the towers).

Cool transition when the drums and bass come in.

The acoustic guitar is a little boxy sounding, but I thought it worked well in this tune.

When the distorted guitar comes in on the left side, the mix gets a little left-side heavy.
 
I noticed some of the same things as JDOD - the vocal and acoustic in very different places (using a reverb bus would fix that). Also the electric on the left could come up in volume a little.
The 'too many words/syllables' was only really noticeable in the first verses before the electric comes in. Same problem with the drums, just a little off until tha tpoint. I understand your purpose (as stated above), but it doesn't give that impression to the listener who doesn't know what you intend.
 
Wow, you guys are good! Everybody heard it but me: only now did I notice that there was no verb at all on the acoustic.

Thanks!
 
YellowDwarf said:
Wow, you guys are good! Everybody heard it but me: only now did I notice that there was no verb at all on the acoustic.

Thanks!
Click to expand...

I always think of it like this:

Imagine a bloke standing playing the guitar, close your eyes and listen to it... fuck me, that guitarist has a freakishly shaped body or a really long neck stretching way away from his body.

Following on from my and MJB's comments on the disjointedness of the lyrics - I don't think it matters if the listener realised what you intend (I didn't until I was told) but it had desired effect anyway - as a listener you notice that something is going wrong with the narrator.
 
Ha, I never think like that - only because I can't play and sing at the same time, therefore there have to be two people in my imagination!
 
I think your voice fits in with the track perfectly...the mix sounded good to me, i liked the build up.

Nit picks would be that some of it sounded a little rushed at parts vocal wise, and it was just a little too long, or maybe a little too many lyrics, going out on an instrumental part wouldve been nice.

Good story though and solid tune
 
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