"strawberries and cream" please critique

V

virgoanmethod

New member
Hi guys

this is my first song of the blues genre. it is a medium tempo, very swung song. It will be sung in a jazzy male voice.

Strawberries and Cream

When the devils come out to play
And they're pouring on your parade
Just close your eyes and say
I remember the better days

When all's not well in your fairytale
There ain't no happy ending in sight
Lay back and remember those days in December
And summers where the sky was full of kites

When the devils come out to play
And they're pouring on your parade
Just close your eyes and say
I remember the better days

When your walls are closing in
You're breathing the remains of your life
Just remember those who love you
And step away from that knife

When the devils come out to play
And they're pouring on your parade
Just close your eyes and say
I remember the better days

When you're swimming in your own sorrows
And tomorrow is just a dream
Just remember what your old friend told you
Life ain't all strawberries and cream

When the devils come out to play
And they're pouring on your parade
Just close your eyes and say
I remember the better days

When the devils come out to play
And they're pouring on your parade
Just close your eyes and say
I remember the better days


(c) 2003 Virgoan Method Music

Thanks guys!
Any feedback is very welcome.
 
I don't have any experience in blues lyrics but I do have an opinion on your song. I could offer some advise if the song isn't finished. But if the words are in their final version, I'll just say, "I like it."

Let me know if you want suggestions on changes in the lyric and title.

Don
 
Suggestions would be great!

Actually, the words are not in their final version. I rewrote the second verse (4th stanza if you include choruses)

When your walls are closing in
And you can't sleep at night
Just remember that I love you
And step away from the light

I think it makes the song feel more intimate by saying "i love you" instead of "those who love you", and the knife part was corny.
 
Let me start by saying there are dozens of ways to approach any song; one is as good as another. My perspective may be too foriegn to your vision of what you're going for in this song. If you think it is, then just keep heading in the same direction till you get what you want. Finally, let me say that free advise is often over-priced.

The only reason I offer to help is because I see promise in what you have started with. I only have a few minutes right now so I'll offer just a few thoughts now and maybe more later after you respond.

I am assuming this is your chorus because of the repeats:

"When the devils come out to play
And they're pouring on your parade
Just close your eyes and say
I remember the better days"

I believe your title should appear in the chorus and the line with the most punch is the last line in this case. I suggest you shorten it to:"I Remember Better Days" and let that be your title.

The way you have written it, the song sounds like you are offering advise (some would call it preaching). You can stop preaching and make it more personal by changing it to read:

Chorus:
When the devils come out to play
And they're pouring down on my parade
I just close my eyes and say
I remember better days

The next four lines are your first verse (I assume) and it is by far the best part of the song. The near-rhyme of "well" and "fairytale" in the first line and "remember" and "December" in the third line make this verse wonderful. Those lines really sing. I don't care for the last line. If you don't have a problem with warming up the song a little, I suggest a different line like the one I have below. I have rewritten the verse in a more personal way using mostly your words.

Verse 1:
All is not well in this fairytale
And there ain't no happy ending in sight
So I just lay back and remember those sweet days in December
Or lying in your arms on a warm summer night.

(repeat the title twice here to lead back into the chorus)
I remember better days
I remember better days

Obviously, this changes the song completely. You may not want to go this route. If you do, each line in the next verse(s) should be close to identical in rhyme structure, number of syllables, and accent on syllables as the same line in verse 1. In other words, the first line in verse 2 should have nine syllables (just like line one in verse 1). Syllable four should rhyme (or nearly-rhyme) syllable nine, also. Lines two, three and four in verse two should match lines two, three, and four from verse one in the same fashion (syllables and rhymes.)

It will take a lot of effort and might be quite difficult to get a good second verse under these restrictions. The second verse will need to be an additional personal recollection of "better days".

If you decide to try this, I suggest you compete the new second verse and post it - then wait for my response before going further.

Don't worry if you don't want to follow my suggestions. I enjoyed thinking it thru anyway. If you have questions, let me know and I'll answer as best I can.

Don
 
Last edited:
TaoManna Don said:


I believe your title should appear in the chorus and the line with the most punch is the last line in this case. I suggest you shorten it to:"I Remember Better Days" and let that be your title.

The way you have written it, the song sounds like you are offering advise (some would call it preaching). You can stop preaching...

Don
Click to expand...


Couldn't agree more with Don. Don't talk directly to the listener; it rarely works.

A person should know the title of your song after having read the lyrics once.


A
www.aaroncheney.com
 
I think this could be very good. Agree with Don.

Just one thing (don't mean to sound negative, but trying to be helpful in pointing out possible improvements) - I really don't care for this verse:

When you're swimming in your own sorrows
And tomorrow is just a dream
Just remember what your old friend told you
Life ain't all strawberries and cream

Why?

First line's a cliche
Tomorrow's more likely to be a nightmare than a dream for somebody in a mess
The last two lines are pretty unhelpful advice!:D

Anyway this is very subjective and you must ignore me if it's your favourite part.

I'd like to hear it recorded.
 
Garry Sharp said:


When you're swimming in your own sorrows
And tomorrow is just a dream
Just remember what your old friend told you
Life ain't all strawberries and cream

Tomorrow's more likely to be a nightmare than a dream for somebody in a mess
The last two lines are pretty unhelpful advice!:D

Click to expand...

I understand how you're interpreting the song, and I guess I need to tweak a bit to make more obvious: the song is partially about suicide, so tomorrow would be a dream for somebody whose made up their mind about killing themself.

I chose the title "strawberries and cream" just because I thought it was a little more fun in a sarcastic way......I'll definately consider changing it!

Thank you guys so much for having faith in my song!!!
 
Hey guys: here's an update on this song.

I rewrote two of the stanzas, I think they're currently too corny.

When all's not well in your fairytale
There ain't no happy ending in sight
Lay back and remember those days in December
And staring at starry summer night skies

When your walls are closing in
And you can't sleep at night
Just remember that I love you
and walk away from the light



Thank you guys so much for having faith in my song!
 
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