Some new lyrics: Flowers in the Sun, Forever

D

drummerboy_04AP

New member
These were inspired by a pretty depressing topic on a social forum. The topic was about how the TC wanted to commit suicide. He said it wasnt because he was depressed or had any family or relationship troubles, but because he just really didnt feel at peace with the world, he kept saying how he envied flowers, how they get to just sit in the sun all day in peace, only feeling bees land on them. idk, for some reason it inspired me to write this song

Flowers in the Sun, Forever

Flowers in the Sun, Forever

Got in my car and drove off real slow,
im in no hurry, got nowhere to go.
drove til i ran her straight out of gas,
was able to pull off and park in the grass.

I just want the peace,
that I find in the poppies,
sprout roots at my knees,
and lay right beside them

Got no problems, not even the blues,
not lovesick or heartbroke, wasnt abused
But Im tired of the rambling,
and all of the pointless sleeping.

I just want the peace,
that I find in the poppies,
sprout roots at my knees,
and lay right beside them

Flyin around theres birds in the air,
the most amazing sunset stole my stare,
all that I want, right before my eyes,
oh what Id give to be one with the skys...

I just want the peace,
that I find in the poppies,
sprout roots at my knees,
and lay right beside them




Any comments/criticism/advice is deeply appreciated!

Thanks,

Alex
 
I like the lyrics.

I find them refreshingly interesting.

The chorus in particular is wonderful, made so by just one line: "sprout roots at my knees"! This is highly original.

You captured a feeling of quiet desperation very nicely.

The third verse I reckon could do with a bit more work. It's not bad, but just not as powerful and as 'right' as the first two. I get the impression (which I don't with the rest of the lyrics) that it might have been cobbled together through not having the same level of inspiration as the others. For example, the second verse flows so well and is such a neat way of expressing that sense of desolation.
 
Hey, thanks a lot Gecko, always appreciate your input!

I think I am in agreement with your criticism. The sunset and the birds part came from a story he was saying, about how he was all alone driving, and got out of his car because he heard birds chirping, and saw a sunset that he just found to be so beautiful. But Ill see what I can do to spice it up a bit.

Alex
 
Im at work, so just postin these to save em somewhere..


Theres birds outside that don't feel like me,
chirpin and hootin, they know their right place.
theres a sunset off on the horizon,
its going down, and will come back around with or without me.

thats the idea i wanna convey... need to find a way to form it like the rest of the verses, with the syllable count and rhyming and what not. Ill have to work on it after i get outta this dreaded job..
 
Theres birds outside that don't feel like me,
chirpin, "I know what I was born to be!"
theres a sunset on the horizon,
It'll come around, with or without me.

I know the rhyme scheme is different than the others... but I think this is better anyway. With the proper music treatment, I think it could work. Whats your opinion?
 
Both versions have their merits.

I don't know how the music is intended to go, so it's hard to see how they will fit into a rhythm.

I'd be inclined to go with:

There's birds outside that don't feel like me,
Singin', they know their right place.
Theres a sunset on the horizon,
It'll come around, with or without me.

I'd prefer to use a word like "singing", rather than "Chirpin'", or even "Chirpin' and hootin'". While probably accurate, those words sound a bit too cartoon-like to me.

I like the short, snappier last line, rather than the longer one you had.

Just ideas.
 
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