"Shattered"

C

Calwood

New member
In an effort to try and write better songs I came up with this tune.

I'm looking for comments on the song writing more than anything else,..but always appreciate input on mixing and whatever. (i need all the help I can get)

I spent more time recording and mixing the acoustic version so that is probably the better mix,..and is the one i personally like more. Theres also a rock version of it as well if ya wanna take a listen.

Thanks for takin' the time and any input.



Take 'er easy,..
Calwood

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/davejam_music.htm

"Shattered (Acoustic)"
 
yep this is "better songwriting". It's great songwriting.

The vocals during "it's all shattered now" were more audible in the effect/acoustic one, so that sounded better in comparison to the rock one, but the guitars' sound during that part in the rock one is among the best I've ever heard.

The snare sounded more like a snare in acoustic. In rock, it thuds more like a tom.

Those two recordings are more full-sounding and have more presence than everything else I've heard from home recording.
 
Nice jam. On the songwriting, I can't understand the vox. Well most of 'em anyhow, don't really know what the song it written about. The arrangement sounds solid.
 
Fuckin' sweet. I think shattered has a good sound to it. It's menacing.

The occasional timing mishaps are the only thing holding this tune back.


-Casey
 
I like it. The chrous has a more vibrant sound than the verse, which is a good contrast. My comment would be that there isn't much happening from 2:58 till the end. So, I'd suggest adding a solo or something to use that space.. or, make the song shorter.. nice work.
 
jdavidb
Thanks for the kind words and for taking time to listen. For the acoustic version I comp'd the snare heavy and mixed it in with the original snare and on the rock version I just used the original snare track.
I had 12 guitar tracks goin' for the rock version. Thanks for the compliment on it.

VSpaceBoy
Yeah i should've posted the lyrics as well. My goal lately is to write about certain topics but to generalize the words enough that they could have other meaning in another context or situation. If that makes any sense. Anyway,..I'll post the lyrics below.

Supercreep
Thanks man. Glad you liked it. I'm still practicing playing to a click track. I never used to do that but I've learned how important timing is. It can make even mediocre tunes(which most of mine are) take on a new light if they are played well and in time.

Bassmusic808
Yeah,..I probably should do something with that space. I'll muck around with it and see what I can come up with. I liked the groove so it didnt bother me that there wasnt much going on there but now that you mention it,..it's starting to bug me. ha ha.

"Shattered"

Your life is a lie and you condem yourself with it
The pain is alive
in you for all to see
If you could only see yourself from outside of it
You would understand now,..how far you've gone

It's all shattered now
Shattered like broken glass
Yeah,..its all shattered now
For all to see

If you've become shattered
shattered beyond everything
I cant help you

Filthy little seed is now your God and you hold it high
and I can only see you
busted and shattered up in pieces on the floor
and I dont wanna come back and say goodbye

It's all shattered now
Shattered like broken glass
Yeah,..its all shattered now
For all to see

It's all shattered now
Shattered like broken glass
Yeah,..its all shattered now
For all to see


Any other comments?

Take 'er easy,...
Calwood
 
cool song, I liked the acoustic version the most, but the rock version was cool as well.
I like the drum sound, quite dry and nice.

The song sort of reminds me of Blacks sabbaths after forever, wich is also a cool song.

keep it up
 
Thanks for the comments. Any comparison to Sabbath is a compliment by anyones standards. Thanks

Take 'er easy,...
Calwood
 
Not bad...not bad...kind of "Tool" sounded but not nearly as good (if it was you wouldn' be hear...you'd be on MTV, ha).

I like the chorus a lot...the verses...eh, they just don't do it for me. Don't really know what to say about them, but it doesn't flow as well as it could I think.

Between the two, the acoustic one is better...but it's certainly not an acoustic track.
 
yeah,..I agree with the verses.
Maybe i should have called it "unplugged" instead of acoustic.
Thanks for the input.

Take 'er easy,..
Calwood
 
I think it's better than Tool. I edited out all my colorful Tool adjectives. Pink Floyd is about the only band I was reminded of, but that was just vocals. The rest of the stuff... you've got your own thing happenin' (in a good way).
 
Been listening to this a lot but couldn't decide what I wanted to say about it. I like the "rock" version better because of the guitar lines throughout and the ending it has. Perfect EQ and arrangement balance generally IMO. But I think the arrangement would be a little better without the guitar intro... if it just started where the vocal begins, but had the bass there too. The arr sounds naked and kind of midrange-y to me until the bass comes in. I usually like arrangements to build in intensity a little at a time, but not this time. Maybe the more sparse effect at the intro could be effective as a contrasting phrase somewhere within the piece. Rhythmically, it gets me (in a good way) every time those extra two beats are put in.

I continue to be amazed at the quality of music here.

Tim
 
this is an ok song but i think the lyrics are pretty weak, kind of cliche alternarock. try to come up with some better words and the song would improve, when the lyrics are weak the singer's conviction doesn't come through that much.
 
47ronin
Thanks for the listen. I'm still pretty green in lyric writing. Maybe I generalized too much in these lyrics. I dont want to get too specific in my lyrics but being too vague is also a bad thing. Thanks for speakin' your mind.

Tim
Thanks for putting alot of thought in your post. Your input is much appreciated. Those extra beats were really screwin' me up doing the drum tracks. I'm no drummer and it took ALOT of re-takes,..and i still get off time. But I didnt want to change the guitar part. Thanks again man.

jdavidb
Thanks alot man. I'm really glad you dig the sound. Thanks!

Take 'er easy,...
Calwood
 
47ronin said:
this is an ok song but i think the lyrics are pretty weak, kind of cliche alternarock. try to come up with some better words and the song would improve, when the lyrics are weak the singer's conviction doesn't come through that much.
Click to expand...

Yeah...THAT's why I don't like the verses. It is very "cliche"...the lyrics remind me of...that little blonde-boy...crap...spiky hair, dates that Simpson chick (the young one)...I can't remember...anyway...

Words that seem cliche:

Breathe: "Hard to Breathe", "I can't breath", "My balls are soggy because they can't breath", etc.

Want and Need: "I'm not what you wanted, I'm not what you needed". "You're all I've wanted, you're all I've needed", "I want you, I need you"

There's more...but you used one of the most overused words in pop-rock music. :)
 
Calwood said:
In an effort to try and write better songs I came up with this tune.

I'm looking for comments on the song writing more than anything else,..but always appreciate input on mixing and whatever. (i need all the help I can get)

I spent more time recording and mixing the acoustic version so that is probably the better mix,..and is the one i personally like more. Theres also a rock version of it as well if ya wanna take a listen.

Thanks for takin' the time and any input.



Take 'er easy,..
Calwood

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/davejam_music.htm

"Shattered (Acoustic)"
Click to expand...

Dude, listened to the rock version, and I really like it. I happen to be a big fan of modern rock, so it was right up my alley. Didn't listen to the acoustic one yet, but will. Just wanted to comment on this one.
Ed
 
Just listened to the acoustic version. Very cool song also. I don't dig into lyrics too much, so won't comment on them. I write shit lyrics, just because not everything I do should be an instrumental. The lyrics fit into the song well, toneally. (is that real?) What I mean, is they didn't stick out like a sore thumb, and since I'm not a great songwriter, That doesn't mean much. Loved both version though.
Ed
 
Nutdotnet
Thanks for contributing more. I think you and 47ronin are right. I'm not sure if I agree that they are cliche'. But I think they may be too vague. Although there is probably a fine line between the 2 and it could be arguable either way.
Thanks guys for tryin' to help me write better lyrics. I appreciate it VERY much.

Dogman
Thanks for takin' a listen. Glad you like the tune. I'm still a newb at writing lyrics,..but i'm finding that the more I delve into songwriting and structure,..lyrics etc. my love for music grows. Besides the fact that I'm not proficient enough on any instrument to be an instrumentalist. ha ha

Take 'er easy,...
Calwood
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top