Senseless Touch (Looking for suggestions)

[nickg]

So I've been working on a few songs and I thought id try my first post in this catagory...

Its unfinished, and in worktape/concept form. I use guitar for songwriting purposes, I can't play to click! and yes.. I know it's out of tune and sucks

"Senseless Touch"

(Verse1)
I woke up this morning
and I looked up to the mirror
When I opened my eyes,
I saw, I saw no reflection
I have spoken to you,
but your eyes just see right through me
Reach out to me hand, you can touch,
but you can not feel me

(Pre-Chorus)
I've been waiting for days
I've been counting them minutes and hours
Each moment that passes I can feel out souls growing further

(Chorus)
Where have we gone
I miss you but you know I can't stay
Can you see me?
My reflection is lost,
My soul's fading away.

Corny, slow, too common of storyline? I'm down for any suggestions on the lyrics or vocals. Comments, suggestions, & snide remarks are welcome!

 

[Chili]

I have a few comments, but they may not move the songwriting further down the road.

Through the 1st verse, pre-chorus and chorus, you didn't mention the title of the song. You don't have to but it's more conventional. Listeners look for those hooks and prominent lines to make the song more memorable.

I'd be interested to hear the two vocal parts switched making the higher register part the lead and filling in with the lower part.

Seriously de-ess. eh, I know, it's a work tape. I'm sure you'll take care of it when you cut the song for real.

 

[gecko zzed]

The lyrics are okay. There are a few 'mirror on the wall' songs around. I don't think this is any better nor any worse than the others.

I listened to the MP3. I realise that it is a quick draft, but I get the feeling that you are not quite sure in which direction to go with it. For example, in the verse there are two voices; the lower, Leonard Cohen-ish vocal, and the higher, David Bowie-ish vocal. You would need to pick one and run with it.

The chorus swells nicely with the harmonies . . . you could make something interesting from that.

 

[Rhone]

(verse 1)
The mirror woke up this morning
Well before me
My girl was already out whoring
Just to provoke me
If my eyes are not open
Doesn't mean you can't touch me
I don't see my reflection
In anything I see
I may or may not of spoken to you
Why, what did you hear.

(Pre chorus)
Apparently some time has passed
I tried counting time but lost focus
And you can't even pretend the nihlism that I've seen

(Chorus)
Nothings gone nowhere
I would like to stay but I don't know where to go
Why, what did you see.
None of this has taken us anywhere
And my reflection probably has very little to do with my soul.