sad song with a story ????

[yiordanaki]

Ok this is the first time i've posted any lyrics.... this is merely a work in progress - remember that.....

The song is set to mostly piano and violin and is mainly minor chords. SO its a little depressing i spose.... tell me what you think.


THE FALL

A pale iridescent glow,
A cheap and nasty show,
You get what you pay for.

Headline : The hottest thing around,
Nobody made a sound,
Its over.

(CHORUS)
We coulda been anything or anyone,
We mighta been something else.
I could see fame and fortune,
I could see wisdom and wealth.
We setup for the fall.

(Instrumental interlude)

The moonlight flickered on the drops on the windscreen,
The last thing i ever wanted was to be seen,
Alone at last, We're in the past.

(CHORUS)

(BRIDGEYTHING)
And When I thought it could never end,
Thats when i lost it all around the bend,
I'm gone
I'm gone

(Instrumental until END)



I have some sorta eerie vocal harmonies lined up for it.
Let me know what you think if you like.

Thankyou kindly

yiordanaki

 

[Rodeo]

Hey Yiordanki (whoever you are ) -

Well done. The best thing going for these lyrics is the space: what's not said. Saying less takes more effort, and here the effort has paid off.

I look forward to hearing this song at the mp3 mixing clinic some time soon. Who's doing the keys?


I don't have much to offer you in terms of criticism. Although you say its a work in progress (which is the best attitude to have you'd probably agree; rather than clinging on to half-baked inspirations), it seems pretty well worked out.

The one thing that grates on me is the second line of the so-called 'bridgey thing'. The "round the bend" stands out like a tired cliche, hence it has a sort of weakness to it instead of the potency you probably intended for it.

And When I thought it could never end,
Thats when i lost it all. I fall and then,
I'm gone
I'm gone

(Instrumental until END)

Probabaly even further out from what you intended, but its there if it works for you.

 

[Jagular]

A pale iridescent glow, (A)
A cheap and nasty show, (A)
You get what you pay for. (B)

Headline : The hottest thing around, (C)
Nobody made a sound, (C)
Its over. (B)

(CHORUS)
We coulda been anything or anyone, (A)
We mighta been something else. (B)
I could see fame and fortune, (A)
I could see wisdom and wealth. (B)
We setup for the fall. (C)

(Instrumental interlude)

The moonlight flickered on the drops on the windscreen, (A)
The last thing i ever wanted was to be seen, (A)
Alone at last, We're in the past. (B)

(CHORUS)

(BRIDGEYTHING)
And When I thought it could never end,
Thats when i lost it all around the bend,
I'm gone
I'm gone

(Instrumental until END)

I see some nice images in here.

I see a reasonable structure as well. A couple nit picks on the structure. The verse after the instrumental interlude seems incomplete to me. I diagramed the rhyme scheme above.

As you can see
I’m finding a hanging “B”

(sorry, couldn’t resist)

Also in the chorus your hook line doesn’t rhyme with anything. You can typically find a non-rhyming tag line in a Verse, Verse, Verse, Verse structure where the tag line is typically the last line of each verse. Usually in a Verse, Chorus, Verse, Chorus structure the hook line should rhyme with something. But it’s just a general rule and they can be broken

In general I am feeling that the point of the song is not gotten to. Typically in a Verse, Chorus type set up the first verse would give you information that leads up to the main point of the song in the Chorus. Then the second verse would expand on the main point or twist it somehow. (second verses are the hardest to write usually)

There is a lot of great imagery here. I’m just not sure what the song is telling me as it seems the story line doesn’t develop (although the first verse made me think of a stripper ).

I think this has a lot of potential. Since you stated it was a work in progress I wanted to give you some things to think about. I too would be anxious to hear music put to this.


P.S. – forgive my harping on structure, I’m in Nashville and it’s been drilled into me from my own writing efforts

 

[yiordanaki]

Thanks for the critique guys!!

very informative!

Well done. The best thing going for these lyrics is the space: what's not said

Thats it joe, I had other words lined up but i sorta thought Less is more (just for this song anyway).

Its only experimental cos i dont usually write songs with a vivid storyline as such.

The one thing that grates on me is the second line of the so-called 'bridgey thing'. The "round the bend" stands out like a tired cliche, hence it has a sort of weakness to it instead of the potency you probably intended for it

I know exactly what you mean, but to answer this I'll tell the story in a nutshell..
Its about a struggling band who have been getting poor reviews and doing cheap, poor quality gigs. Then after their last shocking gig, the band has a "difficult" break-up. The lead singer and driving-force behind the band is then depressed by that and other things so he gets in his car and (it's raining) almost semi-purposely "loses it around the bend" and dies.

Its not biographical, no, its just sorta an extension of when you have a really bad night and almost feel like crashing your car on purpose...........That sounds pretty stupid but.............

As you can see the story isnt really fully told - which is what i wanted to do - because you can relate it to different things.
That also shows why i used that "tired cliche" - because theres another m,eaning behind it......but still..............i'm not quite sure yet.

The verse after the instrumental interlude seems incomplete to me

I'm not sure what you mean - each verse end in a B and after the second and third there is the chorus.

Also in the chorus your hook line doesn’t rhyme with anything.

When the music is put to it - it doesnt stick out so much..... sort of like, " I've said what i want to, so i'll just leave you with a final sentence." Its designed to make the listener want more - whereas the lines "i'm gone, I'm gone" shows the listener it (as well as the character's life) is over.

Thankyou both for your time!!!
disagree with me on anything please! - constructive criticism is what i need!

yiordanaki

 

[Rodeo]

You think the road is straight but then
You lose control around the bend
I'm gone
I'm gone


Sort of saying 'We all think the path to/along fame and fortune must be easy but it's so easy to spin out from the momentum', as well as the particular story of the crash. I couldn't resist using the second person pronoun, sort of like a proverb!