Rest in Pieces - SONG - critique?

Z

zrockisaddictin

New member
when the sun goes down,
let the cool air rush in.

lying here on my bed,
considering sin.

it wasen't your fault,
it wasen't your time.
time has seperated us.
[seperated us]
i'm having trouble to breathe.
I can't close my eyes,
but give in and cry,

too many times,
I've been out of my league,
and i ended up worse than you,
perhaps,
I'll rest in pieces...

hold me in heaven,
as I rest in pieces.
oh oh oh
don't let me go,
as I rest in pieces...

for every time i,
breathe every breath,
and remember your eyes,

i stand my ground,
pale,
still,
petrified.

a phone call from you,
ripped apart my soul.
i heard your voice die away.
as you slowly let go.

hold me in heaven,
as I rest in pieces.
oh oh oh
don't let me go,
as I rest in pieces...

i need you to kiss me,
cleanse me of depression,
fix me,
pull me together,
While I rest in pieces.




it sounds along the lines of a trapt/creed kind of thing, a bit weird but are the vocals good? they're sung really slow haha with a very depressed voice
 
I really like the overall mood of these lyrics. The actual words "rest in pieces" sounds a bit over-the-top to me, but I suspect it would work quite a bit better in the context of music.

One thing does bug me, though:

"it wasn't your time.
time has seperated us."

I have a personal aversion to using a word multiple times close together, and one use right after the other drives me nuts. That could just be me...

I love the opening two lines and:
"i heard your voice die away.
as you slowly let go."

Finally, wearing my grammar police hat, this needs rewording:
i'm having trouble to breathe.

Properly, it could be:
i'm having trouble breathing
OR
...trouble trying to breathe

Really, though, "having trouble trying..." is a weak statement. Saying you "can't breathe" or you "try, but can't breathe" would be much more effective.

Of course, feel free to ignore me - its your baby. I really hope you flesh out a song with this, though - I really like it.
 
thx man yeah ill change it to ...trouble to breathe, but yeah, i got inspired when my friends relative died near her ion the hospital, ill try to wrie out a guitar part and post that, after aligning it with my vocals and the band soon, as an mp3, thx
 
k reedited

zrockisaddictin said:
when the sun goes down,
let the cool air rush in.

lying here on my bed,
considering sin.

it wasen't your fault,
it wasen't your decision.
time has seperated us.
[seperated us]
...trouble to breathe.
I can't close my eyes,
but give in and cry,

too many times,
I've been out of my league,
and i ended up worse than you,
perhaps,
I'll rest in pieces...

hold me in heaven,
as I rest in pieces.
oh oh oh
don't let me go,
as I rest in pieces...

for every time i,
breathe every breath,
and remember your eyes,

i stand my ground,
pale,
still,
petrified.

a phone call from you,
ripped apart my soul.
i heard your voice die away.
as you slowly let go.

hold me in heaven,
as I rest in pieces.
oh oh oh
don't let me go,
as I rest in pieces...

i need you to kiss me,
cleanse me of depression,
fix me,
pull me together,
While I rest in pieces.
Click to expand...

yeah thats the updated part
 
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