Please provide feedback on my song...

J

JeffreyC

New member
Hi all - thought I'd share a song I wrote and recorded with a friend of mine to get some feedback....thanks!



Lyrics:

PARTICLES © Jeffrey Henderson 2008
Looking at you from a satellite
Weird specs in a field
A cloud of dust floating in the white
Subatomic particles

You're tied up like a bug
In a moment held like Zen
The trees swaying with a shrug
At the spiders web

How can you feel this way?
I thought I heard someone say
Circumstantial opportunity
Outrageous display

There's a wrinkle above your eyebrow
Like lightening across the sky
A new shade in your soul
From where the sleeping dogs lie

We can choose to believe in anything
Does anything believe in you?
Transmissions in the night
Might find something new

How can you think that way?
I thought I heard someone say
Meaningless mediocrity
Bewildering array
 
Last edited:
JeffreyC said:
Hi all - thought I'd share a song I wrote and recorded with a friend of mine to get some feedback....thanks!



Lyrics:

PARTICLES
Looking at you from a satellite
Weird specs in a field
A cloud of dust floating in the white
Subatomic particles

You're tied up like a bug
In a moment held like Zen
The trees swaying with a shrug
At the spiders web

How can you feel this way?
I thought I heard someone say
Circumstantial opportunity
Outrageous display

There's a wrinkle above your eyebrow
Like lightening across the sky
A new shade in your soul
From where the sleeping dogs lie

We can choose to believe in anything
Does anything believe in you?
Transmissions in the night
Might find something new

How can you think that way?
I thought I heard someone say
Meaningless mediocrity
Bewildering array
Click to expand...

Different from REINCARN....much more musical and complex in the beginning and grooves well in the sung portion. The drums that come in just before the vocals are okay but not my fave....a bit repetitive. I'm getting some Neil Young in the chord pattern/vocal arrangement...especially that minor chord.
I downloaded this one and it cut out in the guitar solo section:confused: Anyway, good arrangment and use of sounds and well as song writing....
 
Different from REINCARN....much more musical and complex in the beginning and grooves well in the sung portion. The drums that come in just before the vocals are okay but not my fave....a bit repetitive. I'm getting some Neil Young in the chord pattern/vocal arrangement...especially that minor chord.
I downloaded this one and it cut out in the guitar solo section Anyway, good arrangment and use of sounds and well as song writing....
Click to expand...

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I agree about the drums there. We used loops as we didn't have a drummer at the time - I'm sure I could find something more interesting to put in there.

I'm not sure why the download would cut out - it does abruptly end, but that was intentional. :D
 
JeffreyC said:
Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I agree about the drums there. We used loops as we didn't have a drummer at the time - I'm sure I could find something more interesting to put in there.
Click to expand...
Justa few rolls and maybe a touch down on the volume.
JeffreyC said:
I'm not sure why the download would cut out - it does abruptly end, but that was intentional. :D
Click to expand...
Okay if that was intentional - just seems a bit cut off...I wonder if a sustained/quick drum crash might signal the end a bit more smoothly...not a big issue though...:D
 
Okay if that was intentional - just seems a bit cut off...I wonder if a sustained/quick drum crash might signal the end a bit more smoothly...not a big issue though...
Click to expand...

Ah, good idea - :cool:
 
JeffreyC said:
Looking at you from a satellite
Weird specs in a field
A cloud of dust floating in the white
Subatomic particles

You're tied up like a bug
In a moment held like Zen
The trees swaying with a shrug
At the spiders web

How can you feel this way?
I thought I heard someone say
Circumstantial opportunity
Outrageous display

There's a wrinkle above your eyebrow
Like lightening across the sky
A new shade in your soul
From where the sleeping dogs lie

We can choose to believe in anything
Does anything believe in you?
Transmissions in the night
Might find something new

How can you think that way?
I thought I heard someone say
Meaningless mediocrity
Bewildering array
Click to expand...

How did I miss this one?

There are some totally awesome lines in here; for example:
"The trees swaying with a shrug/at the spiders web"
and
"There's a wrinkle above your eyebrow/like lightning across the sky"

The whole song is lyrically unusual, and it is great to hear something new and original.

Listening to the track I am impressed with the arrangement that introduces the track.

The instrumental reminded me a bit of Big Country, and then the song stopped rather suddenly.

When the vocals started, I listened, but then found my attention beginning to wander. Asking myself why, this is what I came up with:

1 As mixed, the vocals were indistinct. They were mixed back, with quite a bit of reverb, and the strength of writing became lost.

2 There was no a lot of change melodically, virtually an eight-bar melody line, and once you had heard it a few times, there wasn't much to look forward to.

3 There was not much variation in the vocal delivery.

I was looking forward to more, and I think this song can be reworked into something much more commanding. The lyrical strength needs to emerge, which can be done by making the song structure and vocal delivery work with, and support, the words. For example, the second verse, with bugs and spider webs, suggests to me something shimmery and delicate, so maybe you could pare the instrumentation back, keeping the tension of the rhythm, but introducing shimmery noises. The verse about the eyebrow is highly intimate, and if the verse before is sung with more energy, it can be lowered for this verse, made more intense, maybe almost whispered or spoken.

Keep the listener guessing what's going to come next, so that they stay listening.
 
How did I miss this one?

There are some totally awesome lines in here; for example:
"The trees swaying with a shrug/at the spiders web"
and
"There's a wrinkle above your eyebrow/like lightning across the sky"

The whole song is lyrically unusual, and it is great to hear something new and original.

Listening to the track I am impressed with the arrangement that introduces the track.

The instrumental reminded me a bit of Big Country, and then the song stopped rather suddenly.

When the vocals started, I listened, but then found my attention beginning to wander. Asking myself why, this is what I came up with:

1 As mixed, the vocals were indistinct. They were mixed back, with quite a bit of reverb, and the strength of writing became lost.

2 There was no a lot of change melodically, virtually an eight-bar melody line, and once you had heard it a few times, there wasn't much to look forward to.

3 There was not much variation in the vocal delivery.

I was looking forward to more, and I think this song can be reworked into something much more commanding. The lyrical strength needs to emerge, which can be done by making the song structure and vocal delivery work with, and support, the words. For example, the second verse, with bugs and spider webs, suggests to me something shimmery and delicate, so maybe you could pare the instrumentation back, keeping the tension of the rhythm, but introducing shimmery noises. The verse about the eyebrow is highly intimate, and if the verse before is sung with more energy, it can be lowered for this verse, made more intense, maybe almost whispered or spoken.

Keep the listener guessing what's going to come next, so that they stay listening.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the compliments on my lyrics Gecko. Not bragging, but I feel these are some of the best lines I've written in a while. I had some bizarre thoughts one day that sort of inspired the start of the lyrics and then it just fell together. :)

Again, you make some very good points. I think I've felt some of the same things you mention here about the way this song turned out, but I couldn't really put my finger on it. I don't think I've ever been really happy with the mix when the vocals are happening and I've also not really been happy with my vocal on this. I don't have a really strong voice and so it's a bit difficult for me to put a whole lot of power into my vocal in certain ranges/keys - if that makes sense - hehe. In other words, I feel more comfortable singing with less instrumentation/volume (more acoustic environment) than fronting a rock band. Anyway, my vocals on this one remind me of some of the weaker Flaming Lips tunes - not bad, but not great either - they don't grab/move ya.

Thx for the feedback!
 
I like the song very much.

As for the mix it was all pretty good for me, but I didnt like that the vocals were buried beneath too much reverb. Thats the only thing I'd change.
 
Another winner, Jeffrey. A+ for variance and style. You kept it interesting throughout. Excellent vocals and lyrics. This was your best track to date that I've heard.

The only thing that I found annoying (and this is very minor :rolleyes:) was the screetchy lead guitar in the intro. For a few seconds, it seemed distorted and clipped. I was listening over headphones, FWIW.

Anyway, the song was good to the point that I listened twice. :cool:

Keep them coming! :)

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Another winner, Jeffrey. A+ for variance and style. You kept it interesting throughout. Excellent vocals and lyrics. This was your best track to date that I've heard.

The only thing that I found annoying (and this is very minor ) was the screetchy lead guitar in the intro. For a few seconds, it seemed distorted and clipped. I was listening over headphones, FWIW.

Anyway, the song was good to the point that I listened twice.

Keep them coming!

Cheers,
Joseph
Click to expand...

Thanks Joseph. :D
 
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