opinions please

[grinder]

I haven't completed the rough draft yet, but here's what I have so far. I picture it as being reminicent of NIN's, Hurt. Maybe an acoustic guitar playing dark, arpeggiated chords and the words being softly sung/spoken/whispered, building on the chorus.

Verse 1

Stars shine down on me. You're everything that I can't be.
Hold your heavens high, while I die inside.
Stars weep down for me.

Bring me peace tonight. Travel by celestial light.
With heart hung low, I let you go.
Please, bring my peace tonight.

Chorus 1

What I thought, wasn't at all.
Pulled in tight, Braced for the fall.
Spiraling,Towards the ground.
Hold my breath, As I crash down.

 

[grinder]

Verse 2

The shame has broken me.Lost all my dignity.
Collect wounded dreams. For what it seems,
The pain has broken me.

I walk on shattered time, across the finish line.
Can't push aside feeling tried.
Check out for the last time.

Chorus 2

I can't break, at the top.
Hold on tight,I can't stop.
Spiraling, towards the sky.
One last breath, as I die.

I want to add another verse, probably in between the two I have. All comments/ criticisms appreciated.

 

[jesse8966]

Verse 1 is awesome. I can picture is being played with a solo guitar by a candle or something. But the lyrics for the first verse are awesome.

First Chorus is alright, but i thought your verse had to do with being saved by someone?

Your second verse isnt as good as your first one. Its not terrible but it doesnt paint the kind of picture your first verse does.

 

[grinder]

Verse 1 is awesome. I can picture is being played with a solo guitar by a candle or something. But the lyrics for the first verse are awesome.

Thanks

First Chorus is alright, but i thought your verse had to do with being saved by someone?

Wanting to be saved, is what I had in mind.

Your second verse isnt as good as your first one. Its not terrible but it doesnt paint the kind of picture your first verse does.

Yeah, I agree. The first verse was very spontanious and I had to grasp straws for the second. I think I need to stick with imperfect rhymes in the third line, such as in the first verse-high/inside. Thanks for the input.

 

[jesse8966]

If i were you in the second verse i would talk about being saved.. or maybe that even if you are saved it still doesnt help you at all cause their will always be a lonelyness inside. I dunno im drinking

 

[grinder]

If i were you in the second verse i would talk about being saved.. or maybe that even if you are saved it still doesnt help you at all cause their will always be a lonelyness inside. I dunno im drinking

The way I see it, the resolution is death or wanting to die. Though, I'm drinking too. The song came to me after spliting up with my fiance, I stayed at the house one last night, alone, to pack. As I was carrying boxes out to the truck, I looked up at the clear, starry sky and wished I could just float away, into the night. P.S. The chorus came about ,because I saw the break up coming a couple days before hand, kind of impending doom.