New Song

F

Fawad

New member
Well guys I wrote a kind of a sad song but not with the usual structure. If it's any good and worth improving, please tell me how and what i should work on and take care of while writing songs. Well here it is.

Walking slowly hands held tight
Crossing hurdles one by one
Not realising that
Slowly in love we had fallen

That day under the shade of the tree
We had promised
Holding hands together
The two of us will always be

Walking alongside each other hand in hand
We turn towards each other and smile
You're face, You're smile, So unforgettable
Why did it only have to last a while

I was so mezmorized
That I did not realise
That you were shedding tears
So beautiful were your eyes

By the time I had noticed it was too late
Your eyes looked at me filled with hate
Slowly letting go, you started to walk away
I try to follow but the distance keeps getting bigger
Our rope of love.. Thinner than a feather
I slowly fall down stumbling..
Trying to get up but falling down again..
Too great to bear the pain..
I close my eyes and rest eternally...

P.S, I don't have any sort of music for my songs nor any vocals so singers and music composers always welcome ^_^
 
In lieu of a rhyming scheme I tried to divine a metre so numbered the syllables per line.
It doesn't suggest a flow.
There's no sense of time passing in the lyric - some clue to the change of love to hate would be useful to tie the love & hate sides together.
The love rope idea is interesting but is not reinforced by feather so you should rethink that line.
What was too great to bear the pain? That doesn't work.
The move to suicide isn't well made. The mixture of stumbling, bearing pain, hate & slowly letting go isn't blended well.
You need to tinker with this some more to make a clear narrative and reinforce your themes.
Some good ideas so keep at it.

Walking slowly hands held tight 7
Crossing hurdles one by one 7
Not realising that 6
Slowly in love we had fallen 8

That day under the shade of the tree9
We had promised 4
Holding hands together 6
The two of us will always be 8

Walking alongside each other hand in hand 11
We turn towards each other and smile 9
You're face, You're smile, So unforgettable 10
Why did it only have to last a while 8

I was so mezmorized 6 (mesmerized)
That I did not realise 7
That you were shedding tears 6
So beautiful were your eyes 7

By the time I had noticed it was too late 11
Your eyes looked at me filled with hate 8
Slowly letting go, you started to walk away 12
I try to follow but the distance keeps getting bigger 14
Our rope of love.. Thinner than a feather 10
I slowly fall down stumbling.. 8
Trying to get up but falling down again..11
Too great to bear the pain..6
I close my eyes and rest eternally... 10
 
Really thank you for your explanations . I actually got to learn I have to work on this song alot. I have some other songs which I'll post here soon for opinions . Cheers ^^
 
Sometimes the well worn phrases are really needed and are used in an imaginative way. I think your lyrics would benefit from a little more depth which could be achieved by using more personal ways of looking at the situations and illustrating them in a way that is your own take. Or maybe think of ways to say what you want that require a little more drilling and require the listener to bring their own interpretation into the mix to a higher degree. As has already been mentioned, some transitions are not as good as they could be with a little more crafting and polishing.

all the best

Tim
 
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