New song w/ Mp3

A

Axis

oompa loompa
lyrics/song up for review would like advice on the writing/compostion.

http://www.nowhereradio.com/artists/?aid=3300/singles
I've Been
Will Nealy

Have you ever taken a chance
on someone that hasn't lasted
have you ever taken a chance
and gone the extra mile

will you ever sentence me
to your imortality
and do you think that we will stand
after the fight is over

I've been asking for the one to say your name
and I've been hoping for the one to say your game

everystep we take
is down the wrong road
we thought we had it all
but we werent thinking right

the bottle falls and shatters
breaking on the floor
the earth and the fire
warm your hearts desire

I've been hoping for the one to hold your hand
I've been asking for vacations to your land

And i've wandered
and i've hobbled to
all in time with
the beat of my aching heart.

I've been asking for the one to say your name
and I've been hoping for the one to say your game
I've been hoping for the one to hold your hand
I've been asking for vacations to your land
 
Hello fellow c-viillain,
First of all, the tempo is kind of....f-ed up! I know you want lyrical comments, but I can't help noticing that first and foremost (mainly right before the lyrics start, there is a weird measure that sounds like it changes to 6/4 or something, is this intentional, because if it is, it doesn't sound like it is). The lyrics are good for the type of song it is. The solo is cool, but maybe a bit heavy on the reverb. Also, I'd lay back on the flange in the chorus rythm guitar. The second lead-into the chorus is much cleaner than the first.
As far as lyrics go, the "man" at the beginning of every chorus line is a little bit too much for me. I'd personally change it up a bit. Example: Man I've been hoping...Boy I...well...and...
Also, too many "I's" xan water down lyrics considerably. Even if it is a personal feel, try using words and phrasings that take the "I" out of it. Hopefully this all makes sense, and I hope that you don't think that I'm raggin'. Everybody has their own take on things and these are merely my own personal opinions.
Keith
 
haha i actually dont say man at all in the song. :P i hear the 6/4 thing your talking about.. and yea that was a mistake.


Also, I'd lay back on the flange in the chorus rythm guitar.

there is no flange on the chorus rythm guitar.


opinions are opinions can't be wrong.. thanks for taking the time to listen.

btw are you from Charlottesville also?
 
Nice song.

I think using a metronome or click track when tracking might help with some of your tempo/timing issues.

I have to go with Freeztar in saying it does sound like there is some kind of flange effect on the rhythm guitar. Also, in your last paragraph of vocals, it sounds like you're saying "man" before each line. Are you actually saying "and?"

Can't really say I have any lyrical advice. I like them the way they are.
 
there are no effects on the elec. guitars except some reverb. I am saying And. Along time I debated using a metronome when i track... but my goal for making a cd is not having the music be flawless because IMO the flaws add to the rawness and trueness of the music. hearing acoustic music with flaws reminds me of just sitting outside somewhere and playing by myself.
 
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