New song - feedback on lyrics please

D

davidnyc64

New member
Love and Peace

Verse 1
I'd like to express how I'm feeling
As I look at all the faces in the crowd
Spreading positivity, well that's how things should always be,
one love can make this world go round.
Yea, one love can make this world go round.

Verse 2
There will always be negative people
Who don't agree with what I believe
I believe in to each his own
But I want me a happy home
so please don't take this dream from me
no no, please don't take this dream from me

Chorus
So, take a lesson from our fathers
And learn from the mistakes that they made
A lesson for all generations
We need to find ourselves a better way

We can learn from each other
And live a life where we can be free
And teach our children the power of love and peace.

Verse 3
I believe that we're all of God's children
But what kind of future will we see
But if united we stand, then maybe we stand a chance
and live this life in harmony

Verse 4
Look where we've been and how far we've come
But we're not where I feel we should be
But if we believe in one love
Then maybe we can rise above
And live a life of unity.
Yes, live a life of unity.

Chorus
So, take a lesson from our fathers
And learn from the mistakes that they made
A lesson for all generations
We need to find ourselves a better way

We can learn from each other
And live a life where we can be free
And teach our children the power of love and peace.
of love and peace....
The power of love.....of love and peace

©David Dolinsky 2013
 
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Ok it kinda reads like a story you have done on love and peace for a school english project.
But after hearing is only slightly more lyrical as audio. Is too recital like in other words.
The Other Problem for me is the contradiction in V2 sets the rest of the song in a bad light.
"There will always be negative people
Who don't agree with what I believe
I believe in to each his own"
 
Thanks for taking the time to read the lyrics and listen to the song. Certain songs I try to write as if I'm telling a story. This song in particular, I tried to write about what I experience from the people I meet and those who I know. Some are positive and have the same or similar beliefs and then there are those who are mostly negative and cynical. I do believe in to each his own but I also try to surround myself with positive people. It's not easy but I do try. Anyway, thanks for the feedback.
 
It's very corny and cliche. Almost childish in it's naivety. That song has been written ten million times. Not that I think every song has to be some new direction in music, because I don't think that at all. I like tried-and-true cliches just like everyone else. I just think this is kind of lyrical content is way overdone and quite boring. Peace and love? How unique! Guess what, there is still no love and/or peace. Hate and war still reigns supreme. :laughings:

But......if you're happy with it, and like it, then that's all that matters. It's your song. You can ask for and get opinions, but none of them matter. Only one opinion matters - your own.
 
Have a listen to Jonathon Richman & the Moderns Lovers - Live or In Your neighbourhood era albums for a style that matches the naivety of the theme.
There's nothing wrong with naivety - naive art is a strong and interesting subgenre of the visual arts and there's a thread of it in music as well.
You need a form of music or style that matches the words - one that isn't sacharin or twee nor overblown hyperbole'.
 
Thank you rayC and Greg_L for your feedback. I welcome all feedback good and bad. Life is a contrast of love and hate and I don't feel it's over done because if people give up hope for a better world then we're in huge trouble. As a father of 3 small children, I do hope for love and peace for us all people as silly and naive as it may sound. Thank you again for taking the time to comment.
 
It's a bit silly to ask for feedback then ignore that which doesn't agree with your mind set.
How about redoing the title as POSITIVE Affirming FEEDBACK welcome.
You also need to read into your own words like:
Some are positive and have the same or similar beliefs and then there are those who are mostly negative and cynical. I do believe in to each his own but I also try to surround myself with positive people. Read yourself. Dissimilar means negative and you prefer to be with similar. That reads as people who believe as you do make you feel valid & you prefer not to mix with the rest.
Love and Peace - hardly - the above is the basis for hatred and war.

I'll take the time to give you a clue to why I don't think it works well...

Verse 1
I'd like to express how I'm feeling 9
Do it, don't say you'd like to - it's amazing how hackneyed that phrase is and how wrong it it. If you say you'd like to you're asking for permission. Have you waited for permission before proceeding?
As I look at all the faces in the crowd 11
Spreading positivity, well that's how things should always be, 15
Are these 2 lines or have you opted for illiteration? Criticism should be positive
one love can make this world go round.
Are you referring to rastafarian on god one love intolerance for other beliefs?
Yea, one love can make this world go round.

Verse 2
There will always be negative people
Who don't agree with what I believe
Disagreement isn't negativity - it's difference - as in viva l'...
I believe in to each his own
This contradicts the previous line
But I want me a happy home
Doesn't rhyme - how does this BUT with the prevous line?
so please don't take this dream from me
no no, please don't take this dream from me
Yet you allow yourself the pleasure of calling difference negativity. Who's dream smashing?

Chorus
So, take a lesson from our fathers
Mothers too? Is learning a generational thing only?
And learn from the mistakes that they made
That's negativity - learn form their mistakes - what about their successes?
A lesson for all generations
We need to find ourselves a better way
Way to what? You've really only stated a need for positivity and a happy home for yourself so far.

We can learn from each other
good though one another would read better
And live a life where we can be free
Free from what? Monotheism ?
And teach our children the power of love and peace.
Agreed, though there is a BIG difference between peace & justice. As in anything for a Peacful life meaning giving in, allowing evil to continue uchecked so long as we remain safe & peaceful ourselves. After this point you've basically hung a bunch of catch phrases and cliche's together in a way that would probably get the crowd singing along at a modern Songs 'n' Praise service but there's no depth to the words beyond popularist sentiment.

Slave chants & songs that grew into gospel were sometimes based on secret phrases and shorthand commnication but that's because they were in a second language, subversive, radical and had to get ideas across to those really suffering; to give hope of a better after life because there was no better real life available.
 
I can ask for feedback and I can disagree or have an opinion as to what people think. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my lyrics. Whether people like it or not is ok with me. I wrote for me and for those who get what I'm saying. Why would I want to be around people who are negative and hateful? If people want to go around and live their lives and hate and feel negativity toward life, then they can do it away from me. There nothing wrong with that. Love and Peace will exist regardless of the negativity and hatred that people bring. I choose to stay away from those people.

Cheers!
Davidnyc64
 
david,
it's interesting that you persist in consciously missing the point.
Disagreement and critique aren't necessarily about negativity.
Your rejection of anything that doesn't fit your myopic vision is negativity.
Your paranoia about anything that isn't in tune with your core values is negativity.
You're insistence that a lack of concord equals hate is negativity.
Your violent rejection isn't peace & love it's pogrom and crusade.
Assuming that some day you actually find true peace and a oneness with the world I'm sure you'll eventually understand the error of your interpretation.
For the interim keep company with the like minded and continue to narrow you vision.
With some luck you'll be able to see long distances with an Ocular.
I'll sign off as I usually do when corresponding elsewhere;
What's so funny about Peace, Love and Understanding?
 
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Greg_L said:
Why do people ask for feedback or opinions and then get mad about it?
Click to expand...

I think asking opinions about lyrics, unless you are a poet, is kind of pointless. Outside of the context of the music it is very hard to say what is good.

If you look at the Cars, as an example or Talking Heads, the lyrics on paper are like, huh? But with the music, they seem to work.

I couldn't tell a good lyric from a bad one 99% of the time. Only when it is presented with music for me does it live. This is the toughest thread on the board to comment on.
 
"...asking opinions about lyrics, unless you are a poet..."
What?
A poet can ask questions about a lyric but no one else?
Lyrics can be good on all sorts of levels & bad on just as many.
THe placement of the emphasis on the stressed beat - that's supposed to be good.
Having consistent tense in the right places is good.
Having a narrative is good.
Having words that are used in correct context or are placed deliberately out of context for effect, humour or some other purpose as opposed to not knowing what you're doing is good.
Talking head lyrics - at least for the 1st 4 LP are excellent pieces of writing, clever uses of language and interesting sources of expression - they read well in addition to sounding good.
Some lyrics are constructed for the sounds they make - and have to be considered in context. Some are written in a second language and betray that in their syntax etc & sound bad as well as read poorly.
Some lyrics betray a lazy writer - such as Lou Reed in Heroin using vial/phial & vile as rhymes. Hey, that's a clunker in an otherwise brilliant piece of music - but it does clunk everytime I hear it.
Some lyrics, like David's, are constructed to express emotion and espouse belief & values whilst giving some insight into the mind of the writer - in this case I fear more than was intended.
Some lyrics are meant to be listened to & others to be heard - that's a matter of intent of the writer for the most part and the inclination of the listener in lesser part. Some lyrics are intended to be read along with until the message is clear and others deliver their message, if any, more directly.
Have you never read a set of words taht have a metre and rhythm that catches you straight away, a set of words you immediately start to sing? C'mon!
 
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