New lyrics "BLUE EYED COOL"...music still to come

[Strat1958]

Just sat down in my sunroom, looking out at the water, felt inspired to write now that spring is in the air. So, here is my effort over the last 30 minutes...any suggestions would be appreciated. The feel is a Jimmy Buffett-style ballad.

Thanks! Mike

BLUE EYED COOL © Mike Pilling 2010

White sands and blue water
Every fool has his day
It’s hot and getting hotter
Dreaming the day away

Chorus
On my third drink or is it my eighth
Sittin on this barstool
She blows in like a coconut breeze
Blue-eyed cool

Inst

Boz sang about the Jamaican bay
Of course this ain’t that place
A few miles south of Monterey
The sea shows mighty grace

Chorus
The surf is crashing behind my back
But I’m wastin time like a fool
She’s in the dark but she’s in the light
Blue eyed cool

Bridge
Do I dare to look her way
It’s like looking at the sun
Easier to turn away
Easier to run

Talk to myself some more
Let’s turn this thing around
But pulled like a magnet toward the door
I didn’t make a sound

Chorus
As I walk the path to the parking lot
Water sparkles like a jewel
The ocean breeze hits my open shirt
It’s blue eyed cool

Inst & fade

 

[Strat1958]

No feedback, guys? I'm recording this weekend, just wondering if some of the lines can be made better...... thanks!

-Mike

 

[gecko zzed]

The lyrics all flow nicely together . . . they have that "blue eyed cool" about them.

The one line that I would spend some time considering alternatives for is "the sea shows mighty grace". I get the impression that you might have been hunting around for a rhyme for "place", and the line is what you came up with. Maybe there are possibilities that won't sound so "deliberate".

Your lyrics are very evocative, immediately conjuring up visions of tropical torpor.

 

[Strat1958]

Hmmmm, thanks GZ, I must admit that you honed in on the one line I struggled with.

How about a little swap of lines, like:

Boz sang about the Jamaican bay
The picture of tropical grace
But a few miles south of Monterey
This sure ain’t that place

-Mike

 

[gecko zzed]

Hmmmm, thanks GZ, I must admit that you honed in on the one line I struggled with.

How about a little swap of lines, like:

Boz sang about the Jamaican bay
The picture of tropical grace
But a few miles south of Monterey
This sure ain’t that place

-Mike

Putting the weaker rhyme first is a good way of disguising it. It doesn't sound so much contrived that way. However, I would still keep my mind alert to the possibilities of alternatives to 'grace'.