Moonlit Meadow

H

Haarfagr

New member
Hey!

I just wanted to share, and hopefully get some feedback on this lyric I wrote some weeks ago.
I usually write very "dark" and "gloomy" texts, but on this I started with the intention of writing something a bit "happier" and "joyful". After some time brooding and thinking, i came up with the consept/idea of Moonlit Meadow.
I ended up describing a meadow, which is, at day, very happy. But day always ends up in night, and thats where my "dark and gloomy" writing enters. hehe. The meaning of the song, is of course not just the meadow. There is a message, or a plot, behind. I just used the meadow to describe that message.

I dont want to say anything about what I thought about writing this song, as I am very interested in other people interpret my lyrics.

Lyrics for me, is as important as the music that is with it. I have wrote some acoustic guitar to it, and vocals. Im actuall stuck at the "night". Cant seem to find any cool riffs that fits, yet.

well, enough talk. I just like to inform you guys about my intentions and thoughts(not all though ;))
Here it is:

Moonlit Meadow

Hear the rustling wind whisper
A song of innocence, a song of the past
The wagtails chitter and the fragrance of the forest fills the air
Flowers reaching for the sun
as leaves shiver, my presence slowly fade

As i am embraced with delight,
we become one
we become whole

A vigorous meadow stretching wide, it's treeline swaying with fierce intensity
rising like a tower of branches
Becoming a devious borderline

The sun sets in the horizon
a restless emotion cringe down my spine
as the absence of light surrounds me

We change in a blink of an eye
Deceiving you
Deceiving me
We yield(surrender) our profound dogma
Deceiving you
Deceiving me

The lunar light encloses the derelict meadow, shadows creeping in
A distant howl breaks the nights silence
Branches alter becoming creatures of the night
devoured, i slip into oblivion

You change in a blink of an eye
Deceiving you
Deceiving me
You mock our profound dogma
Deceiving you
Deceiving me

When that eerie feeling became
Perpetual
I finally knew
When that eerie feeling became
Perpetual
We finally knew

The sun rise in the horizon
giving us hope, forgotten hope
as the sunshine surrounds us

Hear the rustling wind whisper
A song of innocence, a song of the past
The wagtails chitter and the fragrance of the forest fills the air
Flowers reaching for the sun, leaves shiver
your presence slowly fade
As you are embraced with delight
We become whole
We become one


I would really appreciate feedback! Good things, bad things, how you interpreted it, what feelings and thoughts you got from it etc..

Haarfagr/Hakon
 
Certainly a very visual set of lines. A quickie on the grass with a fit young nymph was my first impression but maybe it was a more relaxed encounter with tantric undertones.

I have a small issue with “fade” it reads like, you telling each presence to fade, rather than and observation of the fading of each presence. The refrains probably sound quite catchy in the context of a whole piece. Where the piece lacks for me, whilst simply a set of words on page, is the feel element which needs to come from the delivery of the lyrics, although a few devices in writing terms can be deployed if you’d like some reaction generated from the silent black fonts. The language is perhaps a touch bland when one considers the huge scope the subject provides.

I like what you have here and think you can polish this a little more by choosing some words which convey a stronger sense of desire and passion unless of course your delivery is going to imply that in spades. A small pointer, choose some descriptive words from areas of your song put them in random order on a page and read each to yourself and forgetting the song exists, see what the words conjour up in your own mind. It’s a good way to measure a word in respect of conveyance, for instance “eerie” yep, creepy, scary, but they tell you a condition as opposed to the listener having to interpret and fill in the gaps with pre experienced snippets from memory.

You hint at it being a metaphor and that allows you great freedom to be very rich with your language. Example “I watched, he drew back his bow and fired an arrow into the tree” or “the blue of steel, horizon scanned, as arrow’s tip sunk deep into hazel allure where I still can hear it whistle by”

Good luck with the song, I will keep an eye on the thread and hopefully get an opportunity to hear how you get on.

Regards

Tim
 
Thank you very much for the feedback! I see that you have interpreted the song quite different than what its really about! And thats always fun! actually, Im recording some of it right now, i'll post it when its finished. :) As for the line, "my prescense slowly fade", i was thinking more on a persons prescense. like you can say that the fictional person slips into a dream, being "empty". To describe and tell everything i mean with every little sentence.. gonna take a while. maybe ill do it later! Again, thank you very much for the feedback, i'll think about it!

I'll post the music in a few days.

Haarfagr/Hakon
 
Time for an update.

This lyric now have music to it ;) Here is "part 1" of the song, which is the daytime-song. We do not have a video with the whole song yet(Which lasts for about 18 minutes), but I hope to record it in studio sometime this year.

Take a listen and tell me what you think now that the lyric have music and a feel to it. This live-clip is one of the first we played this song, and we've made some changes to it, but nothing huge. The vocals are also a bit, bad, from time to time, new song and all! AND It is kind of hard to play guitar and sing at the same time, when the song is new! :)

Haarfagr

Moonlit Meadow Part 1 - LesDynamic live @ Union Scene - YouTube
 
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