might as well post my most recent lyricset.

[zer0sig]

red room

3 fucking years dying that cold red room
what gives you the impetus to think that you can save me now?

(chorus):
you know why this bed is empty (x2)

and you waited too long to try to open the path to the garden
what was there is dead now
all the doors are closed now
the noose is off my neck now
and i refuse to make you a victim again

(chorus)

(outro verse)
i just
wish i knew
i had the
conviction
to live with
myself..


i figured i'd post. any feedback is cool. i'll try to get the motivation to post an mp3 sometime. the song is in drop d, with a quicker riff in d/db/d#/a# for the verse and a d/e chorus. the outro is picking in the sequence g#/a/d|g/g#/a/d/g-f-g(g slid down to f & back). well, that's vague enough. i'll just try to record it. my next song is going to be insanely bitter, probably, though i haven't decided what style to put it in (may have an acoustic and a mathcore version)

 

[zer0sig]

i'd still love some feedback. too hard to get into without the music? too bitter? lack of context? i buy into the idea that the audience can draw meaning from the lyrics, and htat in itself is often more powerful than the real context itself. anyway, just figured i'd spew a bit.

 

[stonepiano]

red room

3 fucking years dying that cold red room
what gives you the impetus to think that you can save me now?

first thing, "dying that cold red room" or "dying IN that cold red room?" If it's the former, a listener will assume you're singing "dyeing," as in tie-dyed and I DON'T think that's what you're trying to say. If you're trying to say describe your life's cessation, I would use dying IN that cold red room.

second, Why is the room red? Is that just a visual cue a la Charlotte Perkins Gilman? ("Yellow Wallpaper" writer) I assume this is a kind of a rock type angsty thing. In that case, it could make sense. I, personally, like saving the big passionate swearing for the chorus. Swearing this early in the verse seems a bit extraneous. The use of "impetus" also sounds like we consulted a thesaurus. (Nothing to be ashamed of, btw.) I won't give you a line but just let you know it sounded awkward to me.

(chorus):
you know why this bed is empty (x2)

and you waited too long to try to open the path to the garden
what was there is dead now
all the doors are closed now
the noose is off my neck now
and i refuse to make you a victim again

(chorus)

(outro verse)
i just
wish i knew
i had the
conviction
to live with
myself..

mathcore version)

"you know why this bed is empty"?

Is this an ex-gf to which the voice is referring? No more boom-boom? Referring to an empty bed conflicts the protagonist's voice to be both naughty (looking for sex) and hurt (too late to be saved.) Typical teenager feelings, to be sure, but the paradox will cause a confusion of sympathies for the listener that you may or may not want.

Also, I don't know how much I dig the "path to the garden" symbolism. Sounds a little trite to me. It's been used before and I'm sure it'll work but it doesn't strike me as terribly creative.

Ok, I know some of this is tearing you a new one. I just hope I helped give you an idea of what I hear when I'm reading the lyric. Keep up the effort and digging from the soul. It's the only way to develop your skills.

sinc,
stone

 

[zer0sig]

appreciate the feedback. yes, the line is "3 fucking years dying IN that cold red room"-i would edit it, but it's too late-the bourbon seems to have sealed my fate in that case. as far as the line, it refers to the room (that had a red light in it for most of the time) that i spent most of 3 years in, the said 3 years being the years that i cohabitated with (obvious) ex in.

not specifically a rock angst thing, but yes, i did decide that the fact that the room was red made for potentially useful imagery-both literal and symbolic/emotional (and i did consider the rock angst value here-good of you to point it out).

impetus is a word i use all the time, so i can't comment too much on its use here-i know what you're saying, but i don'e expect to market much music to people who don't know what the word "impetus" means anyway

"you know why this bed is empty" is meant to imply more about lack of companionship than sex-i tend to consider regularly sleeping in the same bed to be a pretty obvious element of a fairly committed relationship. besides, the bed is hardly the only place to have sex. i see what you're saying, though-the song is not about not getting laid-i leave an enormous percentage of other songwriters to write most of their material on that.

good point on "path to the garden"-however, i don't have a better substitute in mind-thanks for pointing this out. i may have to brainstorm more on metaphors to use here, though "path to the garden" has a roll i like.

most of my songwriting is very personal, and not MEANT to necessarily paint the picture in specific vivid detail to the listener. a matter of taste, perhaps-i consider a lyricset full of imagery to describe a moment excellent if done right, but typically, i consider the music more important to describing the specific place/time/worldview/etc than the lyrics, and even then, i tend to keep it simple.

i'll have to post an mp3 of it sometime, so one can get an idea of the flow of it-it's a pretty strange layout compared to many acoustic songs-though all the progressions/playing are rather simple.

i greatly appreciate the feedback, and while i don't feel terribly reamed, i do see much more objective feedback than i typically get from many of the people who see my work-most have been moved enough by the passion/etc when i play that they're probably more likely to just praise rather than criticise. also, the fact that i play and sing circles around most of my friends (who are largely aspiring but very unaccomplished musicians) doesn't help with the objectivity. they do, however, have quite a bit of experiential background regarding the song material (at least the parts that are specifically referring to real, tangible experiences), so that can arguably make their opinion more or less valid, depending on target audience/etc.

anyway, thanks for the input, and i look forward to "being torn a new one" when i post another song, too. hopefully, i'll get more motivated on the recording end and start pumping out anything i post lyrics to on mp3.

 

[zer0sig]

also, i'd like to SPECIFICALLY note that i consider 100% honest feedback the best kind, regardless of immediate "oh, that's a bummer" emotional responses-i always feel better knowing i can get real criticism, and i'm looking forward to getting (and giving) more of that here.