Materialistic (Song attached) - Please send me some feedback

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dreamsound2

New member
Here is my latest, below lyrics you will find link with raw recorded version of this song. Still working on tracking so there's absolutely nothing done to it except some panning and compression/reverb on vocals. I like to record raw and then mix as many of you do.

Please send me some feedback, so I can make changes before I finish it. Please don't comment on pitch or mix issues as I will deal with that later. Please do comment on lyrics, structure, etc.

I'll give you the story behind the song on a later post on this thread.


Materialistic
--------------

Tonight
I feel that I am ready to go out
and buy myself every stupid thing I see
to make myself a little more complete
Anything to just feel whole

But this dependence
has its prices
slowly but surely
they are rising
I define
what I've become
in one word
MATERIALISTIC

Nothing changes when you are what you buy
Deep inside I'm still the same
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm incomplete
I'm gonna break all of these chains

And I
Want the newest phone that just came out
With a 100 mega pixel camera
and a 3 dimenzional static hologram
anything to not feel alone

But this dependence
is growing stronger
I need more things
to help me get over her
No one to call and no pictures to take
I just need myself to keep me company

(CHORUS)

Dont hate me cause I do feel a little selfish
When I have more things than you do
Please help me to justify this avaritia
'Cause I can't get enough
NO

I want a new suite by Georgio Armani
I want a Porsche 918 Spyder
I wanna live in PB
and I when I want something
I want it NOW

And I
Feel that I am ready
To be known as the yeti
I know that what owes us
is everything that we owe

(CHORUS-OUTRO)

Temporary (0 tracks) by dreamsound54143 - MixPod.com
 
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hahaha, okay, fair enough. I was thinking about society and sort off becoming a 'monster' on that part but you know a lot of time lyrics won't translate from my head to the world.. so I changed it to "I feel that I am ready, to fit in this society" and got it to rhyme and work just fine. Thanks for the input.
 
Hi, enjoyed the track, which I listened to after reading the lyrics a few times. While reading and getting beyond halfway through I began wondering to what extent the lyrics might lose impact due to there being a lot to assimilate as a listener and also looking at the phrasing I had a hunch that diction would be very crucial in pulling it off. On playing the track, there is much to be impressed about although my initial observations kind of played out as the song progressed. I appreciate this is a raw but engaging version of the track and I can only really offer this by way of constructive feedback: Maybe trim some fat off the lyrics so the singer can really concentrate on good phrasing of the actual content, maybe work a little more with the syllable placements. Obviously feel free to disregard my thoughts, either ways I enjoyed the track and will keep my eye on this thread and get to hear it progress.

Regards

Tim
 
dreamsound2 said:
hahaha, okay, fair enough. I was thinking about society and sort off becoming a 'monster' on that part but you know a lot of time lyrics won't translate from my head to the world.. so I changed it to "I feel that I am ready, to fit in this society" and got it to rhyme and work just fine. Thanks for the input.
Click to expand...

Haha I was just poking fun :) I thought it was a creative use of the word, but it just seemed out of place! If you could develop the idea you were going for some more somewhere else in the song then I think you could pull it off!
 
Prices may be better as costs.

You need to be consistent in voice 1st, 2nd , 3rd, lost - which is it to be in this...
Nothing changes when you are what you buy
Deep inside I'm still the same
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm incomplete
I'm gonna break all of these chains

avaritia? would avarice fit?

Now, I don't know what you intentions were but there are too many words (that's a joke from me I know) in this section. I'd pare it down to the bold:
And I
Want the newest phone that just came out
With a 100 mega pixel camera
and a 3D static hologram
anything to not feel alone

You've very good lyrics: if they approach a more succinct/compact punchiness you'll get the message across more effectively UNLESS you're after a languid, word hungry set that refect the theme.
here's a quick, brutal slash through:
Tonight
I feel that I am ready to go out
and buy myself every stupid thing I see
to make myself a little more complete
Anything to just feel whole

But this dependence
has its cost
slowly but surely
I must pay
I define
what I've become
in a word
MATERIALISTIC

Nothing changes
when I am what I buy
inside I'm still the same
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes incomplete
I'm gonna break these chains

And I
Want the newest phone
100 mega pixels
a 3D hologram
anything to not feel alone

But this dependence
is growing stronger
I need more
to help me get over
her
No one to call
none of the photographs
I need to keep me company

(CHORUS)

Don't hate me
I do feel selfish
I have more things
Help me justify my avarice
I can't get enough
NO

I want a suit by Armani (I don't think Armani make suites)
I want a Porsche Spyder
I wanna live in PB (where's that?)
When I want something
I want it NOW

You'd need a musical change to accomopany the change in perspective of this last section:
And I
Feel I'm ready
To be an asthete
I know that what owns me
Is everything I own
 
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Thanks so much for listening and taking the time to comment.

'Avaritia' is the latin version of avarice, sometimes I like to throw down some italian or spanish in my lyrics given that I'm originally from Chile. I'm not sure if things like that do resonate or rather confuses the listener (?). Lady Gaga does a phenomenal job throwing curve balls like those on her songs using Italian.

So speaking of which my primary language is Spanish so I do have sometimes a harder time with phrasing/diction, something I'm constantly working on. The reason why I made this song so 'wordy' was actually to help me stay in track with the faster tempo, but I do agree and I need to look into doing more with less like Tim and Ray suggested.

You are right Ray I mizpeled (kidding, misspelled!) Suit. And PB is Pacific Beach in San Diego where I use to live and where everyone is pretty with a golden tan and for the most part have lots of money.

The hardest thing in pulling off a melody is fitting words into it, I sadly spent more time I'd like to admit carefully choosing each word to fit but songwriting is a craft and you get better as you do it. I will post the final version here, so please do check back.
 
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