Lyrics: Waiting for Life to Begin

C

Cosmic

Active member
Hi all,

This is only the second time I have ever attempted lyrics, so any and all advice is appreciated. I feel this should be on guitar, maybe with some quiet acc in the background. Haven't decided if chorus should move up, and an instrumental break of some kind is needed. The story of a lost soul:


Waiting for Life to Begin.

A man sits alone, not moving at all,
Trying to stop the clock on the wall
His eyes are covered by a fifty-year haze
Some from the bottle, and some from the days.

He's holding a picture from when he was clay,
To be molded by time, to be set on his way
A frightened young boy, his eyes to the sky
Looks out at himself as if to ask 'Why'?

(Chorus)
He hoped for a chance all the way to amend
He searched for a guide, he searched for a friend
But his body got older,
His dreams all got colder
He's still waiting for life to begin

He opens another, to chase off the years,
The ghost of his marriage, the salt of his tears
His dreams in the wind, his hands letting go
One sunset too many, when "yes" became "no"

(Chorus)

A man sits alone, not moving at all,
Trying to stop the clock on the wall.....




@2004 C. Harding
 
Looks good to me..Nice job!You might need to edit some words here and there..Seems a little formal{but that depends on music}..but see how she fits with melody and rhyt...Good work for your second try! :)
 
Henry,

Thanks for checking it out; I agree I get 'literary' and somewhat old-fashioned in places, so a little tweaking is due...

Best,

CC
 
I've participate in various on-line lyric/songwriting forums for about 8 years, and I can say that compared to many other new lyricists I've read, for only your second attempt, you've done very well. A few minor nits below...

V1/L4: "Some from the bottle, and some from the days".
[I suggest changing the second half of this line to something like "..., some from darker days". Adding an adjective like "darker" to replace "and" and "the" provides more visuals. This is something you should always try and do in your writing, IMO.]

V2/L1,2: He's holding a picture from when he was clay,
To be molded by time, to be set on his way
[I really like the "clay" metaphor in the above couplet. I could be wrong, but I think "of" rather than "from" in L1 is more proper. Also, in L2, shouldn't "set" be either "sent" as in "sent on his way" or, "set" as in "set IN his way. It doesn't read right to me as written.]

Chorus/L1: "He hoped for a chance all the way to amend" [This line doesn't read well to me. What about something like "He hoped for a second chance to amend"
L2: "He searched for a guide, he searched for a friend" [I'd drop the second pronoun "he". I'd do the same with the second "his" pronoun in V3/L3.]

There you go -- hope it helps some. Like I said, nice job for only your second effort!
 
Like The Cheekie one said..There are many ways to skin this cat as it were!
Things like simple edits..

The ghost of his marriage, the salt of his tears

Ghosts of a marrage..Salt of tears ..possible edit
 
Cheeky,

Thank you vey much for your input; I see what you (and Don) mean about making every word either really add something, or else taking it out; the 'the's and such.
It gave me fresh look at the piece and I will definitely go over it again.
Thanks again to both of you for taking time to help,

Best,

CC
 
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