Lyrics to a New Song

Nicole_Rose

Nicole_Rose

Great White North Girl
let me know what you think :)

copyright nicole ling 2008

verses

i heard you whisper in my ear
temptation overcame my fear
and i followed you-to my certain doom
and i’m forever yours

now i’m stained with your disease
you’ve got me begging on my knees
now i belong to you-and your witches brew
and there isn’t any cure

chorus

you touched me, now i’m forever yours
you breathed your darkness, into my heart
yes you touched me, now i’m forever yours
and i’ll never be the same

Verse

you’ve got your hand upon my heart
and manipulate it with your art
i dance to your tune-under a shrouded moon
and still i beg for more


the tasted promise unfulfilled
of this hunger you instilled
i’m in the cold-secrets untold
until you lead me on


you’ve left a mark upon my soul
the consequences all unknown
but i wouldn’t trade-this fervent crusade
for a house upon a hill
 
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I'll give ya one as soon as I check it out...:D



Dark thoughts Nicole!!...but I like dark sometimes. We all have dark moments...and this sure fits some of mine.

I also like, how you have actually left it open for individual interpretation.

As far as structure goes, I am the most unstructured songwriter you can imagine...so I really don't want to comment on that.

For me, this is like a quiet, yet intense story, one that has a flow and rhythm in ones imagination eye. When it is put to music, the energy will awaken and that whole direction of flow, can change drastically....anyway, that's my take on it all. I would love to hear how you *fit* music to your words.

I've not been too helpful now have I?:D
 
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I get a sense of vampirism from reading the lyrics -the kind where you get bitten and are forever cursed. I guess love and vampires are somewhat similar :D.

You've avoided cliches for the most part, except the "House on the Hill". I sort of get what you're going for here but it jumps out - maybe because it's the last words. In any case I can learn from this as I tend to overuse those familiar phrases.

To me it's a bit more sophisticated than your average pop, and I getting a smooth, slow, distorted groove to it. It will be good to hear what direction you take this...

:D:cool::D:cool:
 
true-eurt said:
I'll give ya one as soon as I check it out...:D



Dark thoughts Nicole!!...but I like dark sometimes. We all have dark moments...and this sure fits some of mine.

I also like, how you have actually left it open for individual interpretation.

As far as structure goes, I am the most unstructured songwriter you can imagine...so I really don't want to comment on that.

For me, this is like a quiet, yet intense story, one that has a flow and rhythm in ones imagination eye. When it is put to music, the energy will awaken and that whole direction of flow, can change drastically....anyway, that's my take on it all. I would love to hear how you *fit* music to your words.

I've not been too helpful now have I?:D
Click to expand...

thanks True. my muse lately is a dark one. did i win the darkest song posted in the songwriting forum for the year award? ;0

i have inklings for the music but nothing firm yet i'll let you know when i get something. :)
 
ido1957 said:
I get a sense of vampirism from reading the lyrics -the kind where you get bitten and are forever cursed. I guess love and vampires are somewhat similar :D.

You've avoided cliches for the most part, except the "House on the Hill". I sort of get what you're going for here but it jumps out - maybe because it's the last words. In any case I can learn from this as I tend to overuse those familiar phrases.

To me it's a bit more sophisticated than your average pop, and I getting a smooth, slow, distorted groove to it. It will be good to hear what direction you take this...

:D:cool::D:cool:
Click to expand...

thanks ido. i like your interpretation. i hadn't thought of it as vampirism. :)

i was never happy with the house upon the hill bit. :)
 
i did a bit of tweaking today while trying to put music to it.

revised. copyright nicole ling 2008

i heard you whisper in my ear
temptation overcame my fear
i followed you-to my certain doom
and i’m forever yours

now i’m stained with your disease
you’ve got me begging on my knees
i belong to you-and your witches brew
and there isn’t any cure

chorus

you touched me, now i’m forever yours
you breathed your darkness, into my heart
yes you touched me, now i’m forever yours
and i’ll never be the same

verse

you’ve got your hand upon my heart
and manipulate it with your art
i play your tune-under a shrouded moon
and still i beg for more


the tasted promise unfulfilled
of this hunger you instilled
i’m in the cold-secrets untold
until you lead me on


you’ve left a mark upon my soul
the consequences all unknown
i wouldn’t trade-this fervent crusade
for all the worlds gold
 
Nicole_Rose said:
i did a bit of tweaking today while trying to put music to it.

you’ve left a mark upon my soul
the consequences all unknown
i wouldn’t trade-this fervent crusade
for all the worlds gold
Click to expand...

That change works well....:cool:

ido1957 said:
To me it's a bit more sophisticated than your average pop song :D:cool::D:cool:
Click to expand...
Just to clarify - I meant to say more sophisticated than "the average pop song"....
 
Nicole,
a nice tale of the enlaving power of love or the the bitter sweet knowledge of unrequited love for that matter.
From hill to gold - I think you can actually work on that bit some more. You may not come up with something but you might.
My only concern is how you'll fit the extra syllables of "i wouldn’t trade-this fervent crusade" in. I like the line & your use of internal rhyme to build tension & expectation (though it's not entirly consistent I'm sure the delivery will make it so) but I can't hear it in my head.
I look forward to hearing a sketch soon.
Vampyrism is an interesting take from Gerry. It also conjures up some psychosexual BDSM images as well.
Essentially I read it as a common tendency toward emotional maschocism in relationshhips - especially when the perceived reward/s are valued.
I hope this'll rock!
 
Nicole_Rose said:
now i’m stained with your disease
you’ve got me begging on my knees
i belong to you-and your witches brew
and there isn’t any cure
Click to expand...

This verse in particular is a wonderful piece of writing.

The other verses are fine, though not quite as sharp as this one. I think that in the context of a song they will work out okay.

"I wouldn't trade this fervent crusade" is pretty good, but I am not excited by either "world's gold" or "house upon a hill", though I like the 'house' line better.

I think that what is the last line of the song needs to be much stronger than the alternatives presented. It way well be that the neat internal rhyme of "I wouldn't trade this fervent crusade" has painted you into a corner, almost forcing you to start the next line with "for . . .".

It's possible you may have to sacrifice the second last line to be able to create a more powerful last line.
 
Nicole_Rose said:
you’ve left a mark upon my soul
the consequences all unknown
i wouldn’t trade-this fervent crusade
for all the worlds gold
Click to expand...

cool lyrics, but not sure "for all the worlds gold" is less cliche that than the house on the hill. Rather than stating what it is you wouldn't trade it for, what about saying the consequences if you did trade it...ie. "I wouldn't trade-this fervent crusade / Lest I go cold <or something of your own writing, of course.>

Jeff
 
jdblessing1970 said:
cool lyrics, but not sure "for all the worlds gold" is less cliche that than the house on the hill. Rather than stating what it is you wouldn't trade it for, what about saying the consequences if you did trade it...ie. "I wouldn't trade-this fervent crusade / Lest I go cold <or something of your own writing, of course.>

Jeff
Click to expand...


Or perhaps "to undo wisdom's curse." or "undo all I've learned."

You'll probably change it more when you put it to music.
I often find that the rhythm of the lyrics I write doesn't always mesh
when I put it to a tune.

Anyway good luck.

Moksha.
 
rayc said:
Nicole,
a nice tale of the enlaving power of love or the the bitter sweet knowledge of unrequited love for that matter.
From hill to gold - I think you can actually work on that bit some more. You may not come up with something but you might.
My only concern is how you'll fit the extra syllables of "i wouldn’t trade-this fervent crusade" in. I like the line & your use of internal rhyme to build tension & expectation (though it's not entirly consistent I'm sure the delivery will make it so) but I can't hear it in my head.
I look forward to hearing a sketch soon.
Vampyrism is an interesting take from Gerry. It also conjures up some psychosexual BDSM images as well.
Essentially I read it as a common tendency toward emotional maschocism in relationshhips - especially when the perceived reward/s are valued.
I hope this'll rock!
Click to expand...

well i have time to come up with something better. the music isn't coming easy and i'd like the music to be as developed as in 200 lashes. ya i'm hoping it will rock :)
 
jdblessing1970 said:
cool lyrics, but not sure "for all the worlds gold" is less cliche that than the house on the hill. Rather than stating what it is you wouldn't trade it for, what about saying the consequences if you did trade it...ie. "I wouldn't trade-this fervent crusade / Lest I go cold <or something of your own writing, of course.>

Jeff
Click to expand...

ya guys, the all the worlds gold i'm still not really happy with either. but it's better than the first. jd, i think i might use a variation of your suggestion. it's apt.

you’ve left a mark upon my soul
the consequences all unknown
i wouldn’t trade-this fervent crusade
Lest my heart grow cold
 
Nicole_Rose said:
ya guys, the all the worlds gold i'm still not really happy with either. but it's better than the first. jd, i think i might use a variation of your suggestion. it's apt.

you’ve left a mark upon my soul
the consequences all unknown
i wouldn’t trade-this fervent crusade
Lest my heart grow cold
Click to expand...

hmmm . . . a nice attempt to escape a tricky situation, but "lest my heart grow cold" sounds, to my ears, even more contrived than earlier attempts.

the whole point of that verse is the idea: "despite all that's happened, I wouldn't change a thing"

maybe you could try just saying that:

i wouldn't trade - this fervent crusade
i wouldn't change a thing


now maybe "i wouldn't change a thing" is fairly standard, so maybe you could search around for something less usual, e.g.
"i will not wash my soul"

or, to be a little more obscure
"i will not wash my hands"
 
gecko zzed said:
hmmm . . . a nice attempt to escape a tricky situation, but "lest my heart grow cold" sounds, to my ears, even more contrived than earlier attempts.

the whole point of that verse is the idea: "despite all that's happened, I wouldn't change a thing"

maybe you could try just saying that:

i wouldn't trade - this fervent crusade
i wouldn't change a thing


now maybe "i wouldn't change a thing" is fairly standard, so maybe you could search around for something less usual, e.g.
"i will not wash my soul"

or, to be a little more obscure
"i will not wash my hands"
Click to expand...

ya but i really like lest my heart grow cold. it works, it's apt, and it's true. :)
 
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