Lyrics for a Song

[brandoj]

This song has no name, but here are the lyrics as they are, as of now. If it helps to picture a genre while you read, think quietly.

a knife and fruit in my hands
while the sunshine hides my plans
this big boat, it floats
above the water quietly
and even though i know
it's down there below
i won't go jump in now

my straw hat falls off my head
when i think of little things
the rope from the main sail
is fastened securely
the knife slips from my hand
as i glance my head away
oh don't go jumping now

well mercy must be through
before compassion will do
is it me or are these sins you speak of
unspeakably kind?
look in the case by the door
for the broken floor boards
taken from the deck
of my quiet little shipwreck
oh please don't jump in now

 

[Whatmysay]

Reminds me of ‘The Talented Mr Ripple’; summons up Mediterranean sun and murder most foul – probably way off.

I like the imagery very much it is strong without dictating a narrative – I prefer to have a montage that adds up to something by the end or is defined by the lyrical hook in the Ch, as opposed to a linear narrative.

Not all listeners are as willing as I, however to respond to the level of personal interpretation your work offers. My only advice would be to give some Ch or more defined lyrical hook that provides the images with some centre – don’t diminish the poetry with a hammer over the head line saying ‘this is what the song is about’, but offer a little more guidance perhaps.

You have evoked an excellent mood of sinister undertones. Lovely work

 

[up-fiddler]

I prefer to have a montage that adds up to something by the end or is defined by the lyrical hook in the Ch, as opposed to a linear narrative.

I also rest in this camp. Tell me a story, even if it's one I don't like. Your talent for turning a phrase is fantastic. The imagery is wonderful. The next task is to make them add up to something. jmho Nice work and keep writing and posting. Looking critically at the work of others helps us to look more critically at our own work. It's good practice.