Lyrics based on imposed words: Renaissance

L

loominarypop

New member
I asked our fans to propose 10 words that I would use for lyrics. Here's what they gave me:
Fate, Entropy, Renaissance, Hope, Exit, Next, Graphic, Somewhere Else, Transcendantal, Oracle.

- damn abstract words! Well a little bit my fault because I gave them the theme "self fulfilling prophecy".

And here's the result!

RENAISSANCE

Slowly the world started blowing up
Pieces of glass falling all over you
The painted walls keep on cracking up
Next to the sky, there's an escape for you

I wanna hope
For a renaissance
Give up everything we have
We can break our ropes
Overcome the rules
Entropy won't stop us down

Browsing the news the words are lining up
Something is coming, it's a miracle
Blood in your veins has started heating up
Step on your fears and overcome your fate
Our future's graphic - there's no somewhere else
Transcend the plans of the Oracle

I wanna hope
For a renaissance
Give up everything we have
We can break our ropes
Overcome the rules
Entropy won't stop us down
 
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Not "a little bit" your fault if you proposed the theme.
Sorry, the lyrics read like an attempt to use a bundle of words suggested by someone else.
There're internal inconsistencies, contradictions and trips...
Slowly blowing up
hope for a renaissance
entropy won't stop us
break our ropes browsing the news
future's graphic (2D visual?)
entropy won't stop us down.
You've succeeded in using the words offered, but you've not used them well.
Mind you the story doesn't really match the theme either.
The prophecy, the journey and cycle (like poverty) that generates the result: all are missing.
You show some skill with words - how about spending some time and write something worth saying?
 
I listened to the song - it SOUNDS really good.
The lyrics remain the weak point.
You set a theme, took the words & ignored the theme?
Not exactly a winning formula.
I get contradictions in lyrics but these aren't clever, sharp, ironic, surreal, dadaist or shocking. They read as mundane & "constructed" without emotional content or purpose.
They may read well to someone who has English as a 2nd or 3rd language but to me, as a native monolinguist, they simply don't work.
Condesention doesn't help your case either.
 
Damn you got sharp teeth! Well, you must be right :-/ My real passion is composition - so I consider myself lucky you didn't dislike that aspect of the song already ;-)

Actually I think I had more success with the following song. Please check it out and let me know if it tastes any better...

ANIMAL
(imposed words: Free, Care, Ravenous, Independent, Wolf, Teeth, Astronaut, Savage, Box, Loyalty.)

You've set me free
Watch me running like an animal
Meet my teeth
Caress me I'm your animal

You've put me on a throne
Now you're making me feel glorious
You opened my box
Don't you see that I am ravenous

Turn around
Give me my crown

Touch me I'm a wolf
Savage and bold
An independent soul
Out of control
I'm an animal

Promiss me you care
And you are not an astronaut
Say I'm not a number
My loyalty I will declare

What's with this wall?
Give me my crown

Touch me I'm a wolf
Savage and bold
An independent soul
Out of control
I'm an animal


...

that one has a video...

 
Lyrically much more consistent and you've used language well. The stanza that is
Promiss me you care
And you are not an astronaut
Say I'm not a number
My loyalty I will declare
isn't too good though - from savage, bold, independent, free & out of control to suddenly a dog soldier at best or at worst a potential lapdog, why? There are a bundle of assumptions that could be made but "you put me on a throne" belies most of those. You could've developed the submissive aggressive subtext a little or worked on the more obscure "And you are not an astronaut
Say I'm not a number" bit.
I'm uncertain if the topic is partilally lycanthropic or not but you've left space for imagination within your narrative - good work.
Otherwise: a good song & video. Well done!
Now, with regard to the 1st song:
You posted the lyric and the context, well part of the context.
By doing so you invited comment.
I commented & critiqued.
You didn't accept the crits chosing to turn them aside with excuses & a slightly curled upper lip.
No skin off my nose but I was offering an honest appraisal.
You have strength with a clear narrative and that was what was missing from the 1st set of lyrics.
Please, feel free to have a look at my lyrics and listen to one or two of my tracks. I'd recommend The master, haemophillic heroes or Thanatogenous - they've on my soundclick page. the lyrics are prententious, wordy and in some cases deliberately/willfully obscure. Or look at the extremely amateur collages that substitute for videos at the utub link.
Please comment.
The link is below.
 
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Hi Ray, your music sounds good and authentic. You're definitely mastering your instruments and got your own rock style. Terry's singing reminds me of David Byrne (Talking Heads.) As for the lyrics I have a hard time giving you proper feedback - the combination of Australian accent, my French ear and your willfully obscure lyrics angle make it quite challenging for me :P Can I read them anywhere?

Regarding your crits, don't think that I believe they're not worthy. What you observed was rather my way to cope with my own limits. Any comment is a gift and an opportunity to improve...
 
If you take the soundclick link below,
then click the FULL link to the right of Than, HH or The Master
you'll find the lyrics if you scroll down a bit.
Jow M sang on the tracks I mentioned, Terry sings on almost evrything else except Alice which is a guide vocal by Eric.
Are you going to post some more stuff, I like your music and Animal's lyrics were quite good. I'd like to look at/listen to more.
 
Hi Ray, I checked out this page SoundClick artist: Pygmy Beat - Folk rock meets blues rock whilst occassionally veering into psychedelic and prog rock. and do not see the lyrics anywhere. Maybe I don't have access? Or maybe I'm on the wrong page...

In the meantime, here's another song of mine. Sorry the full song has not been published yet, but you get a 3 min extract + the lyrics below. These lyrics work on me... let me know if you find quality in them too.



I Loved You At Your Darkest

You had it all
A perfect symmetry
Of gravity and grace
You had it all
You were crumbling blissfully
With your chip erased

I had it all
A perfect fantasy
Everything at all
I got enthralled
By new realities
I didn't see us stall

I wanna do it right
Don't let it overflow

You're gone away
Say it ain't true
I fucked it up
Say it ain't true
My Love
My Love

I wanna walk
Feel you by my side
Pretend we've never met
I'll do it all
Whatever you decide
Whatever the threat

I wanna do it right
Don't let it overflow

You're gone away
Say it ain't true
I fucked it up
Say it ain't true
My Love
My Love

Come, come right away
I'll do whatever you say
We'll run out of display
Back into the Meatspace
I loved you at your darkest
I would do anything today
 
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Terrific song - nicely flavoured by Radio Head OK Computer.
The lyrics are really good. the 2 examples you've shown me since the 1st set demonstrate you consistenly do far better than the initial set suggested.
Here are links to the songs I mentioned. You'll have to scroll down on each page to see the lyrics.
Interestingly the singer on these three is trilingual, (including German & English).
SoundClick artist: Pygmy Beat - Folk rock meets blues rock whilst occassionally veering into psychedelic and prog rock.
SoundClick artist: Pygmy Beat - Folk rock meets blues rock whilst occassionally veering into psychedelic and prog rock.
Thanatogenous by Pygmy Beat Augmented - YouTube
 
Thanks for the nice words about "I Loved You At Your Darkest". Indeed I quite love that Radiohead album - but I'm still surprised that you can feel it in this song. To me it is more obvious in this one:

(I won't post the lyrics of this one, they are weaker)

I was able to read the lyrics of Thanatogenous and Haemophiliac Heroes. Your language is definitely more elaborate, I could not write anything like that :P It sounds like poetry, but not easy poetry. Actually I do not think I can really understand it, it sounds like a foreign language where despise the fact that I understand most of the words, I miss 30% of the meaning of the text. Makes me think of the end of the movie "No country for old men". I understood to some extent but stayed with the feeling that I had missed something. Actually I asked my step sister who's and American Latin teacher what she understood of the end of that movie, and ... she did not understand it either! So - is it just me or your lyrics are weirdly intellectual ? I'm often told my lyrics and music are too intellectual - so no offense intended...
 
Thanks for the comments.
I'm pompous and very wordy in real life so I've written a slightly more formal & elaborate form of my world.
The words were chosen for effect but do, however approximately, fit the narrative.
HH is more a case of using words for the look & sound whereas Thanatogenous was a) named after the character in The Loved One and b) just a story. I did write the original lyrics in 1976 or 7 and reworked them quite heavily when the songs were recorded in 2011/12.
The latest track you've posted is clearly made with reference to OK Comp. I REALLY love Ironlung as well.
This one is a really cool song & I drifted with it instead of typing. It grabbed me & held my attention.
Good stuff.
 
You must be an interesting person to talk with in the real world Ray :-) Do you have more recent writing or did you stop when I was seven?
 
I'm not really. Boring old fart is the best description I can come up with for me.
This song http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=469622&songID=9888244
is about 5 years old; the lyrics were written when I'd finally sorted the music out.
The narrative is about a depressive (my wife) and her ongoing desired to become invisible & then dissolve into non existence on the one hand and to hide from reality on the other all the while fooling most people into thinking she has herself together - she's rarely seen but her public face belies the real person when the door closes.
I like dragging out old ideas and poems to rework into songs because a) I'm lazy & b) I was a different animal as a young'un: less cynical, more extreme and more inclined to mash things up or disassemble them for effect.
You’re wearing yesterday’s raincoat
Safe from tomorrow’s rain
Impatient at today’s departure
Uncertainty goes against the grain
Dreams filled with euphemistic ghosts
Keeping company with your fears
Revisiting the separation
As the memories draw tears

Build a wall of mixed illusions
Thatch a roof with your decay
Make a mask of grand delusion
When there’s nothing left to say
You’ve nothing more to say.


Whisper softly to the darkness
And feel in lightly holding on
Taking comfort from the echo
Well, at least until it’s gone.

Build a wall of mixed illusions
Filling dreams with your decay
Make a mask of grand delusion
All the things we could not say
I reject them every day

Every morning there’s the promise
Every evening there’s the lack
Every moment there’s the prospect
That you won’t be coming back

Build a life of mixed illusions
Scent the world with your decay
Make a mask of grand delusion
When there’s nothing left to say
Just hope it will go away

Eyes wired open you still can’t see,
What was, what is & what will be.
Close your eyes & look around,
You won’t know what’s lost until it’s found
You’re wearing yesterday’s raincoat
Safe from tomorrow’s rain
Impatient at today’s departure
Uncertainty goes against the grain

Build a wall of mixed illusions
Thatch a roof with your decay
Make a mask of grand delusion
When there’s nothing left to say
The world just won’t go away.
 
well this one is much more understandable to me - maybe the context details helped too ;-) Well written even if not very cheering :-/ Is she doing any better now? You seem pretty self concious, not more indulgent with yourself than with other writers...

One thing I like in lyrics are contradictory statements. My head is full of them. Beautiful monsters. Unfair justice. Delicious decay. Light darkness. Team individualism. Maybe I miss a little bit of ambiguity in "Eyes wide open".

I wrote that one long ago and received lot of compliments from NRA fans:

I NEED A GUN

I need a gun, someone stole my car
I need a gun, my family is in danger
I need a gun, and my nephew needs one too
I need a gun, you never know what may come

My neighbour is plotting on me

I need a gun, everybody needs one
I need a gun, everybody has the right to have one
I got a gun, to protect myself from parasites
I got a gun, now I'm a real man

And nothing will happen. Thank God.
 
That's a fun one -
A little point of English grammar would be to convert
My neighbour is plotting on me
to My neighbour is plotting against me.

I'd have steered clear of it as I'm very caurious about firearms and such & the potential to promote their use by being misconstrued by a reader/listener. You do it in a very slash 'n' burn artists way.

Here's something in a similarly wreckless direction I write a couple of months ago for a collaboration. It's a bit early 80's Iggy buut the music was also Stooges meets Voidoids.

I’ve got a car
I’ve got a gun
I’ve got a girl
x 3

I’ll blow her mind
She’ll blow my mind
We’ll show the world
X 3

You couldn’t catch us if you tried
Can’t find our past because we lied
Can’t read our minds because they’re fried.
Hell, that won’t matter once we’ve died
You can hear it here:
https://homerecording.com/bbs/gener...abbage-rides-again-~-final-mix-vocals-352573/
 
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